Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!

[Guest imageless]

After telling my story to someone I really thought was my friend:

"Well, I know someone who was 'really' abused!"

(invalid...she was NOT right)

[IfYouAreDreaming]

"Why didn't you scream? Maybe you should take a self-defense class."

-Well, I'm sorry I froze because I was so shocked and numb that someone I knew was doing that to me.

A month after, I was telling my friend about how I'm having a hard time with life, etc. His response:

"Oh, did something happen?"

-I guess he expected me to forget about it in a week?

"Are you sure you didn't give him the wrong signal?"

-Yes, you moron, I'm sure. I didn't even say anything to him the day it happened.

"Well, do you really consider it genuine sexual assault?"

-Speechless...

[~FOUND~]

I could add some more invalid words or phrases to the list, but I can't say it they hurt too bad.

[amethyst11]

"youve just got to move on and put it all behind you"

yup ill do that shall i ,just pretend that i wasnt abused every day for 7 years!!!!!

" it has happend to loads of people and its happening to people right now"

yes i do know that but it doesnt mean it diddnt happen to me and it certanly doesnt make me feel any better!!

"why diddnt you say something to someone when it was all going on"

eeeerrrrm,, let me think, well, i was only 13, terrified and he drummed it into my head that knowone would believe me anyway!

"youve got to stop thinking about it now"

yeh right , ill do that!!

sorry, another one from an EX support worker...

"nicola im not having this, ive had people in my office saying theyve been analy raped and ive just said well no its not happening right now to you is it? but it is to other people, so your not in that situation anymore move on"

i was speechless, i cried for days after that, and was dreading her comeing round to my house.

from my mum......

"erm im confused, if he really did that why were you always with him, and if he really did that why diddnt you say something, are you happy now ! look what youve done , youve split the whole family appart!!he might be a ba*terd but he isnt a per*ert!!!"

eerrrmm mum,, i was always with him cos he wouldnt let me out of his sight, he was making sure i couldnt say anything to anyone, wasnt allowed to go anywere on my own, ever!! and i diddnt say anything cos he made me believe that knowone would believe me and that youd hate me!!!! oooohh look!! he was right!when i finally did say something, do you believe me???NO!!!!! and yes mum he is a per*ert!! he ra*ed me every single day from me being 13 for 7 years!!!!

AAAARRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! makes me so mad!!

ohh another 1,,, my support worker(before my new one)

said to the lady who was taking over from her " dont talk about the past with her and dont let her dwell on it"

maybe thats the problem? always tring to push it all way way down so i dont have to deal with it? maybe i need to get it out, need to talk about it?

Edited November 22, 2009 by amethyst11

[katemonster]

I hear people make rape jokes everday and I usually just turn to them and go, "I'm sorry, what about rape is it that you find funny exactly?" it always shuts them up.

The worst thing I've had said directly to me was one night at a writers night, where my friends & i take pieces we've wrote & read them to each other and get critiques. One of my friends had written a piece that was about a rape victim and that alone was hard to hear, but he wrote it wonderfully & had good reason to it, so I was okay. When critiquing one of our friends started off his sentence with, "And from the point of a rape victim," ....he wasn't a rape victim. He then proceeded to make jokes about it...

[breakingsilence]

Therapist: Well, you didn't say no, guys need to hear it to know it isn't okay. It's sort of your fault.

Group therapy guy: Ewwww

Mutual friend: He's a good guy, you should give him a chance again.

[mariskunk]

"Enough with your Dad. He's been in the ground for ten years, get over it."

[tuliptorn]

Mine happened here.

"You heal when you choose to heal"

"You are stuck"

WTF???

Fric Frack you! Like I don't want to? Nobody but mt good friends and T knows how hard I work. To be judged by own of my own pissed clean the frack fric me off.

Clean own your floor before you pizzle on mine. I live in KC, so you know where I am too. I won't fight you though, hugging you would scare you more.

Who need friends who act like my family? Not I!!!

Sorry Mods, I'm trying to chill. It would be a shame to get kicked off for this, so hopefully I'll cool down and chill it out with this last statement.

Thank you for letting me vent. Cause the Tulip is horribly pissed off and done being pissed on!!!!

[Glowbug]

"You need to stop thinking about it...you're making yourself sick."

This in reference to my csa. IF I COULD, I WOULD! Do you think I WANT to feel like this?!

[Kez]

"I thought you giving yourself an ulcer would be that pivital point where you would realize you needed to take a different road and be almost over this"

"my girl friend about 10 minutes ago"

hmm yeah which road would you like me to take dear? The one back to denial? God I wish to f'ing hell i could find it again so i could sleep, stop the flashbacks and just plain not remember! so sorry it seems to be inconviencing you!!!!!!!!

[invisibility]

"man id love to get raped by a group of women"

what do i even say to that? he has no clue what hes saying.

"well no offence but i know someone whos had it worse"

what? does that f-ing matter!?!

"youre a big guy if you didnt want it, you could of gotten away"

you let me know if you can react when someone jumps you while youre sleeping

[Annette]

"I'm sorry, but from what you've told me I can't say it was sexual abuse"

-county detective, when I tried to write it down but couldn't say all the little 'important' details

"I'm gonna give you some honest sh*t, you're never gonna heal until you leave it in the past"

- a 'friend' who couldn't handle it

"Are you sure it really happened?"

-another friend

"maybe it was somebody else, and what he did just seemed bad"

-my sister, and the detective

"I just think you're uncomfortable with him"

-counselor, who told me what she thought, but would not listen to what I knew

The worst is when they say nothing at all to me, ever again.

Annette

[~FOUND~]

"Get over it." UGH I sooo wish it were that easy.

[AWhisperofTruth]

Good thread.

I told my friend about one incident (when I was raped with a knife).

Her response. . ."Wow. Was it serrated?"

WTF does that have to do with anything? Like if it didn't happen to be serrated it would have been okay?

"Get over it and move on. You're ruining your life and you're really becoming crappy to hang out with."

I'm sorry if my suffering is a killjoy for you.

"I don't want to hear about it. What an awful thing to listen to on a Saturday afternoon."

It wasn't a walk in the park to live through either.

After revealing I have DID to someone I thought I could trust:

"You mean you're a schizo like that Sybil b*tch?"

No words for that.

Edited January 29, 2010 by AWhisperofTruth

[tmj1984]

As a teen when my mother and I would get into an argument she would say " You act like you were molested as a child!"

Hmmm, that's funny b/c I was.

A mother only says something like that if she really knows. And does this mean every teen who talks back to their mother was molested?!?!?! I don't think so! It was a slap in the face.

[Mon45]

From my step-son regarding my not telling my husband of my abuse when we first met ...

- had he known your secrets he may not have entered into a relationship with you.

WTF - my abuse didn't come up for me until at least 10 years later

From my ex husband on the same topic ...

- I am not hiding your abuse from the kids like you did to me - if only I knew back then - you F*cking sucked me in.

Also from my ex husband ...

- I only started to realize where you were coming from when I found out your brothers were involved too.

Again WTF - he knew my father abused me for 14 years. Isn't that enough, even without knowing about my brothers.

Also ex husband ...

But your father only molested you - never had sex with you - not like your brother.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

From my abuser father when trying to justify his actions ...

- your mother told me to go bed another woman, but I couldn't, so I turned to you.

Hell dad I was only 3 years old.

Also from my abuser father ...

- I don't want you getting pregnant.

Oh so is that why you never had full sex with me?

Edited February 2, 2010 by Mon45

[MagicalForest]

From my mum the day I told her:

"Are you sure you didn't want it? Maybe you're just regretting having sex, load of girls do"

My reply:

"Do you really think I would have wanted anything like that? I had no choice in the matter, I couldn't fight against him".

I was so hurt by her comment, she didn't believe me and I so desperately needed her to. I felt so unsafe at home.

From someone in the hospital:

"Why make up something like that about your friend? What has he ever done to you?"

My reply:

"He r*ped me"

As if I'd just make something up like that. I trusted him, told him a lot about me. Couldn't they not see the absolute fear in my eyes?

[HopePsalm70]

And the insensitivity continues:

"weren't you just a little interested in him"

like that would make a violent attack more meaningful because he was handsome

"what the hell were you doing on the bed with a 16 year old?"

um, he was on my bed, violently attacking me...

"I heard your husband leaves you alone all the time"

???So women need a babysitter not to be raped in their home

"You know you are not the only one who'se been through this"

"As I remember she was close to him"

So being close to someone always justifies rape

There are so many more. I just feel calm right now and cant thing of them. but we have forty three pages of insensitive comments...like dont be a drama queen, or so you werent a virgin right...does it really matter. It is a violent violation

[KitK]

"no offence but you were drinking and that kinda makes you look sl*tty"

umm...WHAT...so anyone who drinks ever is a sl*t?

a now former friend after I accidentally texted something to them instead of my brother about when I was little

"You need to shut up about that. I know tons of people who were raped it's not that bad"

yes it is!!!

"You just want to be popular so you're saying they raped you to make it seem like they wanted to have sex with you"

just now some girl who's dating one of the guys...about the gang rape last year...which was done by "popular" guys

"well gay guys usually sleep around. It's not his fault he thought you would want it"

"You're to fat and ugly no one would want you stop lying"

Edited February 8, 2010 by KitK

[RiseAndShine]

"why can't you just be ok again!"

- yeah. sorry to bother you.

"i never wanted to be with anybody who is depressed again!"

- well, sorry, i did not particularly sign up for this sh*t either.

"it's like you choose to be unhappy, you need to try being happy, it's not just gonna happen, you have to want it!"

- really? oh yeah, good idea. maybe i should try, huh. have not even thought about that.

"that's not even a problem, not knowing to which library to go to print. you wanna make a survey and ask all your friends if that is a problem?!"

- i have told you five hundred times that this is my main symptom, that the smallest things make me feel shitty and desperate and throw me off track completely; and if i were healthy then no, this would not be a problem, ok?!?!?! but now it is!! do you see how i am doing??!!! thank you so much for caring.

"why does everything you do have to be related to your problem. why can't you just decide that something is ok"

- because unfortunately this has taken over my life. and unfortunately, i was not given a remote control to turn it off when inconvenient.

i hate this bullshit. i dont want to hear things like that and have to justify myself all the damn time.

[~FOUND~]

Let it go really bugs the h e double hockey sticks out of me.

[MagicalForest]

"I don't want to hang around someone who's got a face like a slapped arse. Cheer up"

Oh.. Thanks alot! Shows how much you care.

"Can't you just take a break from this and just enjoy something for once?"

Don't you think i'd give anything to get a break from this agony?

[~FOUND~]

Don't be a Debbie downer.

[flowergirl]

'You deserved to be raped'

WHAT! someone really said that to you

have some hugs :hug:

[~FOUND~]

Yes. URRRGGGGGGG

I hate insensitivity.