Vera

Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!

760 posts in this topic

I've had some dumb things said to me:

from a former best friend - we're no longer talking: when I said how my dad would yell at me when my mom wouldn't sleep with him since this was somehow my fault "oh, you know why...it's because you look just like your mother..."

or this from another close friend:"are you sure you didn't hallucinate it, I mean you were really hallucinating a lot of things at the time."

from a stupid psychiatrist: "you actually think what?" okay it's not called mental illness for nothing, you'd think he never had a patient before, though he had been in practice for 25 yrs.

But I also had a thought: Let's start a thread of the nicest, strongest, wisest, most encouraging words people have spoken to us.

~ dreamer.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

"Get over it and move on" WTF?! I'm sorry, let me say that again...WTF?!!!!!

"It's in the past now, don't let it bother you any more!" rrrrrright....sh*t for brains, you are quailfied to say this why??? Oh that's right, you're not so shut the f**k up.

"Like my life isn't bad enough right now, I have to listen and support you with your 'poor me' past bull sh*t. Move on, you can't be hurting that bad from something that happened in your past!" Thanks a lot jerk, now I feel like crawling under a rock for the rest of my life.

There you go...I have heard all three of these today...I feel like sh*t. :(:mad::(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I wrote a letter 2 my mother over 2yrs ago as i found out what she said about my father s*xua*ly a*usein me-she said all these 2 police en social workers en councilers..

"She asked for it"

"When her father comes home from jail(goal) 2 live with us i wil have 2 keep an eye on "Sookie""

My bro"Nothin happened she just wants 2 take away my good dad"

(He was @ da age of really needin him..)

my bro even went as far as 2 call me a sl*t..

Ive only just got contact with my mother again thou id never 4give norr 4get wot she said..

(am i crazy 2 want contact with her again after all that?!)

guess we wil c if so..

STICKS EN STONES CAN BREAK MY BONES BUT NAMES CAN NEVER HURT ME-im not sure this childrens ryhme is true now..

:(

((huggles,smiles en friendship love)) xo

P.S: May every nice words we say 2 1 another whipe away all the bad 1s.!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

P.P.S: Words from others 2 me..

"Did u enjoy it??" -Yeah thats y i put a stop 2 it/sum ppl r just stupid!!

"Did he..??!!"-enter ere any s*xu*al thing thats 2 do with s*x (L*ckin,t**chin,f**gerin..)

Thou i sumtimes dont mind the q i have found ive got 2 b prpaired 4 them so i think this notice/forum is good 4 every1 as we can all get ready 4 ANY q that wil b asked 2 us bout it..

((huggles,smiles en friendship love)) xo

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

people are such sick bastards. there are some comments my friend has made before that really bothered me.

mostly just ignorant male double standards and him trying to continuously convince me that his life is more terrible than mine. i just don't care about that, i just wanted him to be my friend when i needed it. no one ever really was.

<3 ignore em! :P

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

or how about this:

the you think you have it bads:

- starving people in developing countries

- so and so's daughter has cancer.

~ dreamer

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i can only really think of one that comes to mind...

when i first started therapy i had no memories of my father's abuse, but was having nightmares of the abuse and was having panick attacks all the time especially in certain areas of the house where i grew up. i was telling my therapist of the nightmares and that i was almost positive that i had been sexually abused by my father for lots and lots of reasons. i just nad no visual memories (just memories of fear and shame when i was little when it was happening). she said that because i didn't have any memories of the abuse, that it probably didn't happen. she said that i probably was using it as a justification of my hatred towards my father for being so mentally and physically abusive to me and my mom. i didn't really believe her, but i tried to cuz it was easier than talking about how i had felt.

three and a half years and a few different therapists later, i was sitting in class and i was hit with a memory out of nowhere, this time it was visual. what i had felt and known all along was validated. i went to therapy the next day and didn't say anything. partially because i had pushed it to the back of my mind, partly because i was afraid. about 5 days later, i told my best friend and my sponsor (like a mentor...i'm a recovering addict), and for the first time that part of my life was validated. i can't explain how incredible that felt. the next tuesday, i went to therapy and was shaking. i was going to tell her, but i didn't know how. i was so afraid that she'd think i made it up too. i was shaking. terrifyed. i knew in my head that she would be awesome and understanding, but my past experience rendered me terrifyed. i went in there shaking, and told her, and it was amazing being able to start working through it with her. yay.

ok that was a really really really long reply. sorry abouts that. it did feel good tho to get that out.

and i just want to add that people definitely don't get it sometimes. we just can't let them get to us.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

ive had sooo many comments like these in the past too many to list but aren't there soo many ignorant insensitive unfeeling totally sh**ty a*sh*l*s out there?

I said to a friend once i hope it happens to you!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Caierlan,

I never even heard the expression, "that exam seriously r*ped me". That's awful. I'd be mad at any friend who'd use an expression like that in my presence. All of the ones that are written, are crazy stupid, "you kind of looked like a woman?"

No shortage of insensitivity sometimes.

:( Dreamer

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This came from my mom...these are her words...I know she loves me, and never ment to hurt me...but these words hurt pretty bad...maybe I'm being over sensitive. Anyways...all I could say back was, "I know, it's ok mom"........but it wasn't ok.

"tracy I don't want to be afraid to say thing to you, Please don't make me feel like I have to worry about everything that comes out of my mouth. I don't ever mean to hurt you."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two days ago while at work, I was talking to my co-workers about how great the new Tori DVD/CD is and this is my supervisor's reply:

"All of Tori Amos' songs are about her rape. She should just get over that shit already."

I said.."Rape is not something you just 'get over with'. "

Ignorant fucktard! :angry:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

"What did he to do to you? *insert crude sexual comentary here* Did you enjoy it?"

"So many people have had it so much worse...just get over it alredy."

"Oh, you were abused? That's nice *changes subject*..."

*sighs*

<3

Alex

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

nice thread...Good to know I'm not the only one who runs into insensitive fuckheads...

"Did he ejaculate inside you?" Did he ...the list goes on?"...Does it really matter if he(fill in blank) I hurt inside and I'm humiliated every time you ask these horrible questions.

Get over it is a common on for me as well

When at the hospital after last time I was r*ped...at first everyone was kind until they found out I had done drugs that night then it was suddenly unimportant that it happened. I was a loser, a stoner who cares.

My mom after last r*pe...She cries, yells, screams, you don't ever tell me anything. I just wanted her to hold me and say it was going to be ok. She refused to hug me even. She was mad I didn't go running to her right after it happened. Why would I if you make me feel worse. She did apologize later and has helped me though some things.

"you had sex with him before why was this time any different?"

"at least you got some."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

oops I forgot one

after telling someone a piece of my story...I get the pitiful stare...I shrink a little inside...then comes the horribly awkward silence

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

nice thread. hmm lets see

"Are you sure he just wasnt curious, i mean my brother showed me his winky when he was little" ~mom yes well did he proceed to make you touch him and then touch you.. oh and can you really be "curious" at 16 really.

"dont tell anyone itll ruin our family"~mom oh.. ok that helps so now im the dirty family secret. kthx

my friend is always trying to put his hand on my shoulder and i always freak out and back away and several times hes said "jeez whats wrong your brothers touch you when you were little" yes.. well as a matter of fact...

"shes fully capable of getting a boyfriend, she just needs to stop being so sad or shell be alone forever" well ya know what if we could all just be happy all the time i think we would.

people say some stupid stuff sometimes.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

-Get over it already.. it happened almost a year ago.

This one from a friend of mine who's in a band. They asked me to be their photographer so Im at all of their shows (he knows about my r*pe)

-Yea so we're gonna cover Nirvana's "Rape Me"

I said "Ugg... I love Nirvana and everything but.. erm that song really upsets me. I know it bothers a lot of people... you know because of the subject matter.

-He laughs and says -Eh well we're doing it anyway.

-Youre over exaggerating

-Its no big deal

-Lets talk about something happier.

AND THE WORSE...

-YOU WERE ASKING FOR IT. ITS YOUR FAULT TOO.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

my best friend keeps saying stuff like "he m*lested me!" in a jokin manner talkin about this guy who's very huggy and what not. its one thing to talk about feeling uncomfortable around the guy, its another thing to use that word in that context. i keep wanting to tell her that she doesn't know what its like, but my voice gets stuck everytime i try. :angry: its just like when people say "thats so gay" to talk about things that are boring or pointless. :ranting:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah I haven't had a direct one to me but my uncle while talking to some family members about a cousin who hadn't been in touch cos of a miscarriage said about "Its been a year she should be over it by now, depression is just an excuse for being lazy."........She had PTS, the miscarriage had been real bad, and I had called it cause and effect...She had a different cause but we basically had the same effect ...well I lost it,shouting the place down, I do remember that I was so angered by the lack of understanding( even though the Doctor had said it may take years) but to make matters worse he was talking about it when she could not defend herself, but to her face was saying there was no problem, take as long as you need... Thank god Mum was there , although she didn't hear what was said she was the one person who could calm me down .... And like the doctor said years (10) later my cousin finally had the strength to come to a family party ( My great aunts 80th..And my great aunt danced everybody off the dance floor ) I have just thought..The incident happened at the same aunts 50th wedding do....... wow that I have only just realized ...Hummmm weird or what..... But I would have do the same thing over again .. if we can't stick up for each other what can we do ...................

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think the worst one for me was when I went to the college psychologist (I was made to see her this spring because I had some SI/suicide stuff going on in early February) and I had just been sexually assaulted on the subway. She said "Well, I told you to never go out alone. See what happens to you when you do that?" First off, its one thing to go out alone at midnight and ride the subway, but its totally different when its around 11 am and there are tons of people around. And the last time I checked, psychologists are supposed to help you, not make the situation worse!!!!!

Lindsay

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Lindsay:

that's unbelievable!!!!! where did that person get her degree??? and even worse, did she grow up in the middle of the jungle? how the hell could she have such little compassion?...that's just plain wrong...especially from someone who is supposed to be a professional who knows what you are going through, etc. :ranting::ranting::ranting::ranting:

PS: no offense to the jungle people here :)

Edited by mariposa

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

MY god ...It just goes to show how badly trained some so called "experts" are.. and why I think it is important that we keep talking to each other and get our stories out there when we can. :hug:

What an a*se hole, I hope that someday all people in that position are aware of how stupid that sort of talk is..I still can't quite believe it!!!!!!! :duh:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When I first went throughthe flashbacks I got really angry about people saying things like:

Get over it

Maybe he had a reason for doing what he did, you don't know what might have been going on in his life.

But it was so long ago, why does it matter now?

At least you have your arms and legs, you aren't crippled.

Count your blessings

Forget about it, its the past

You shouldn't talk about it, especially not in public

Why did it take you so long to come forward?

It wasn't really rape if you didn't fight

It wasn't really rape if you didn't scream and yell

Why didn't you say anything?

One time, after hearing one of these things I remembered that I had said the same thing to others. And I read over this list and I have to admit that I say some of these things to myself, even now. So sometimes, when I have the energy, when I hear a hurtful statement of ignorance about rape or abuse I try to use it as an opportunity to educate someone. But only if I like the person.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

maybe *T*

"all he did was touch you" - my mother (about my father who shes still married to)

and thats not all he did mom... and are fathers really supposed to stick their hands in their daughters underwear on a regular basis?

"why don't you get over it and let it go" - my mother

:ranting::ranting::ranting::ranting::ranting:

i let her have it and totally went off on her and it felt soooooooooooo good

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now