Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!

[downtrodden]

I tell my boss about the rape 3-4 days earlier. He says...you don't look like a rape victim.

What does one look like? Should I have bought the t-shirt? Worn a button? What a stupid thing to say!

[crushedflower]

I finally told my mom last week about what dad did.

Eventually she said:

"You endured alot of stress as a premature infant and as the first born child with lots of pressure and expectations and your childhood was unstable. And you masturbated alot when you were 4 years old. It is a matter of perception."

Wow, does masturbation feel like an*l r*pe and or*l r*pe when you are 5-7 years old?!

WTF?!

Edited September 29, 2010 by crushedflower

[BrokenWingz]

I have never had anybody say anything to me but I found out almost two years ago that many of my own relatives knew I was being molested and did nothing. I had one in particular to go around lying and saying that I the person that molested me was actually someone I was dating and that I was in love with him. Yes the sorry w**re said those things about me. Please forgive me but I am getting so upset just typing this. I have to pray hard because that person is worst than scum on the bottom of a sneaker to me. Here this person is someone old enough to be my dad and I no have idea about men and women relationships, clueless about sex yet I am in love with this person and wanted it to happen. That same sl*t even lied and told people that my mother would allow me to leave home with that person and that is the biggest lie. The individual who abused me was also married and I found out that my so called relatives said they didn't tell his wife because she would probably kill him and go to jail and they didn't want her in prison. Screw me I guess. That let me know that those same people who share my "blood" don't give a damn about me. The wife was so upset because she felt bad for not being able to protect me plus they also had kids in the home and all she could think about is what if her kids had been abused as well. I was not the first person he molested and I am not the last one either. I know it's not an exact quote but this is the most ignorant, painful verbal thing that I have had to deal with. Those actions really let me know how they feel about me.

Edited September 29, 2010 by BrokenWingz

[MidnightSunshine531]

i think someone already mentioned this so sorry to repeat things but one of the worst things for me is to mention it to someone and have them say ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL.

[stronger0676]

I was trying to get into a women's trauma support group. The therapist told me my history was "too benign" to need her group. I'm sorry that being sexually harassed and then raped a few months later isn't good enough for you. Guess I should figure it out on my own, huh?

[AnnieSparxx]

I told my parents that I lost my job because of what happened, my dad said, "You always screw things up." Yes, you're right, I wanted to be sexually assaulted and lose my job and dignity at the same time.

I called my mom after my Victim-Witness Advocate told me that the guy finally plead guilty, my mom's reaction? "Oh goodie" Like maybe I just told her that the ice cream man was giving out free popsicles.

Went into my school's campus psychological services department, crying, and asked if I could speak to anyone at all. The cute little old lady behind the counter said, "I'm sorry honey, we can't help you here." Oh, I'm soo sorry, this is for the mentally stable people...my bad.

[Nyxllie]

You could have stopped it if you really wanted to.

You don't think I wanted to?

Are you sure he hurt you?

Um, no, I just imagined it all those times.

Why would you let it go on if you didn't like it?

I don't know, I must have been delusional.

Just get over it already.

Thanks, I didn't think of that..

It's obvious you have mental issues.

It's obvious you're a jackass.

And the worst:

Well, you deserved it.

Well, if that's the case then you deserve it too.

Edited September 30, 2010 by Nyxllie

[LovelyErebeth]

"Think on "good" things...Your obsessed with what happened to you." (on CSA)

"Just stop! I could call ******* at the mental hospital and they will come take you away." (on SI)

"You just want attention."

"You're STARVING yourself??? Why??" (on Eating disorder)

Just so you know, I don't talk to these people anymore.

[Cloudhop]

"Think on "good" things...Your obsessed with what happened to you." (on CSA)

"Just stop! I could call ******* at the mental hospital and they will come take you away." (on SI)

"You just want attention."

"You're STARVING yourself??? Why??" (on Eating disorder)

Just so you know, I don't talk to these people anymore.

People are F*cking stupid. I swear I think there's a mentality out there that if your in mental anguish you must not be a strong person, or like there's something wrong with your character. I had a friend compare having PTSD to a drug addiction, like validation was akin to "enabling" someone with a habit. So out of tough love she was going to not speak with me until I got " my act together" . Like what???! I told her to not F*cking bother. Also had a relative suggest worki g the twelve steps of aa to get rid of my symptoms..... Like writing down all the bad sh*t I've done and making amends will make my hallucinations and body issues go away??? F*ck off!! Of course I don't even think that sh*t is helpfull for people who are addicted anyways. But that's a diff issue

[foggy172]

I know the person who said it didnt mean it as invalidating but it kind of felt like it.

"She is your mother, she must have been going through tough times too, you have to let bygones be bygones".

I mean I get it, in his culture mothers are thought to be endlessly loyal and caring, and I wouldnt have minded that to be true. But what part of abusing and rejecting your own child I'm supposed to forgive and let go? They make first 20 years of my life a living hell, destroy any self-esteem I might hope to have and I have to FORGIVE? Holy moley, WHY?!

[foggy172]

Another one.. by my grandmother after I got the guts to say anything about what happened

"well its obvious you deserved it, I knew you were a wh*re from the start". For the record, she did used to call me that when I was 5 years old

[cm9698]

The one person i have told everything to tends to be really inconsiderate when we are in a group wiht other people. The other night someone brought up SA and his comment was 'well they have to learn sometime!'. I was furious but since i didnt want to end up humiliating myself i just sat there is silence. I dont think he realizes how much his comments hurt.

[annieonymous]

a friend of mine, after i told her my brother sexually abused me:

"why are you telling me this?"

(why are you a compassionless jerk?)

lol. i can laugh now about what a sh*t she was (it was 12+ years ago). but at the time i was so humiliated!

oh, and this is a good one. i used to get triggered during sexual contact with my boyfriend when i was 17. so he wouldn't take it personally, i told him the reason i sometimes cringe and flinch when touched is because i was sexually abused when i was a kid. his response:

"yeah, but i didn't do that to you, so why are you so jumpy?"

LOL. i wasn't at all upset at the time, because he wasn't trying to be insensitive. but i just thought, man, are you an idiot or what. (he really wasn't very bright, the poor guy.)

[annieonymous]

no offense, but i despise your grandmother!!! never thought i could despise a little old lady, lol, esp. one i never met. but seriously, wtf is wrong with her?! it boggles my mind how some human beings can be just such total shits. she may not be a child molester but sounds just as awful!

Another one.. by my grandmother after I got the guts to say anything about what happened

"well its obvious you deserved it, I knew you were a wh*re from the start". For the record, she did used to call me that when I was 5 years old

Edited November 16, 2010 by annieonymous

[foggy172]

Thank you. I despise her too. She is a pretty f-ed up old lady..

[shlacm]

Wow this thread is... amazing... in a bad way of course!

Before I tell mine, I must confess the time I was the cruel and insensitive one!!! I was 16, still in major denial about my csa: it wasn't a big deal, didn't effect me, it wasn't that bad blah, blah... and my boyfriend confided in me that he had been molested as a child. There was a man who tried to reach down his pants. He was so traumatized by it that he had to have therapy for months. His mother posted signs all over their small town telling what the man had done. The man drank himself to death within a year. (I must say, WAY TO GO to my bf's Mom!!!) Anyway, my response was something along the lines of; "So what! That's not a big deal!"

So yeah, I can't complain without first confessing my own evilness. In fact you know what? I really need to apologize to him!!!

So, anyway, the only insensitive/hurtful things I've been told were by T's.

After my sister caught my brother and got me to confess, she told my Mom... long story short, my brother and I were both sent to counseling. Separately of course, but with the same T. She knew it was still going on, but couldn't get either of us to admit it, so I know she was desperate, trying anything to get me to talk, but it was still inexcusable. She told me "**** is perfect. He never does anything wrong."

Another one... I was doing this 5 day a week group with multiple T's and I had received a sort-of, half-way apology letter from my brother. I brought the letter in for help with processing. I was told: "Wow, you're so lucky that your abuser admits it!" Excuse me? WTF?!?!?! I'm LUCKY!?!?!?! Now don't get me wrong, I know it would be even more horrible if he denied everything, but LUCKY!?!?! And the worst part was the timing! Because 1) I had not developed any trust for these people yet (and guess what, I never did and ended up being kicked out of the program), and 2) they all knew full-well that I still firmly believed it was all my fault!!!

And then, the person who was dead set on getting me to believe it wasn't my fault (not a part of the program) said "Well, it wasn't his fault either."

And of course... there's the most recent: "Well he must have been abused to have done that to you, you need to have empathy for what he went through!" What? I was abused, but I never made the choice to abuse a child, EVER! And I certainly didn't continue to make the choice to abuse someone continuously for SEVEN years! Empathy? I don't want to understand what it's like to be him!

Okay, I'm done. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

[Ghostlovescore]

Up until last night I didn’t have anything to contribute, but after a conversation with my boyfriend this is what I have:

“You need to get over this”

He quickly recounted this statement by saying he didn’t mean it like that, but it still hurt

“Why don’t you concentrate on all the good things in your life, instead of the only 2 bad things that have happen to you”

I could’t seem to get him to understand that I have no want to concentrate on the bad things in life, I would love for them to just leave my head

“I don’t like this self loathing, hating, depressed “Ghost”, its doing me no good, and you no good.”

Well thank you, because I am so in love with being like this, and sorry if I am being an inconvenience to you

“I think you should stop going on AS and Facebook, all you ever do now a days is be depressed, and waste a lot of time on your computer”

Well sorry if I havent been feeling the best, but just so you know I’m not wasting my time on the computer, I have classes that give homework believe it or not and that means I spend a lot of time typing up and reaseaching on my computer. And I havent been coming to AS reguraly for a while now(because I have been so busy with school), so just because I get this one idea in my head that you don’t like that I posted on AS you think the site is no good. Forget that he has never liked this site

Sorry this was a bit of a rant

[MortalGoddess]

I admit I've been insensitive about others sufferings. I've never gone so far as to belittle another SAS (that I remember/know of) but when I was a teen (trying to fit in/was in denial about needing to heal/depressed) I would talk about others behind their back. I don't do that anymore. I wish I could go back and apologize to all those people I made fun of and gossiped about. I hope they understand, even if they never knew I talked about them. I feel so horrible now because of this. I was such a bad person.

----

"So, are you and Areanna having sex?" Um...mom...NOT your business. At all. Just because I refuse to even mention I had an abusive ex doesn't mean she doesn't know about my CSA. I told her...she went to T with me once.

I told her "We aren't" while trying not to burst into tears.

"Why aren't you?" Well, while I go vomit, you can figure out what this (sarcastic) vauge response means:

"Because we're not ready and won't be for several years."

----

"You should get a [sexual] toy." --don't remember who said it. But whoever did knew I was SAS. Yes, a penis-shaped toy is going to help me feel less like an object to be further trained and used for someone else's sexual please. Dumbass.

----

"I thought you were over that"--my stepdad about my CSA

---

Me: "I'm afraid of men"

(significant amount of time later, male teacher walks up behind me and lays hand on shoulder) "Hey, whatcha doing."

Me: (slaps his arm away, clearly panicking) "Don't touch me!"

Him: "Are you ok?"

------

"Why are you crying, you should've enjoyed it. I know I did. You pleased me."

Me: (choking and rubbing jaw, sobbing) "....I told you no" (screamed it actually)

"You always say that". I know abusers technically don't count...but that one really hurt. He knew I was CSA. He was also a sadist who enjoyed forcing me. (sighs) So glad he's dead.

---

No longer friends with this person: "I want you". Yes, that's exactly what you say when I'm curled in a chair, whimpering in terror. Let's not mention the fact that less than a minute ago, I told you I was having a flashback.

[Shido]

"But you're a man."

[MortalGoddess]

Can I post some of what my alters said?

[shlacm]

"But you're a man."

Wow!

[annieonymous]

Can I post some of what my alters said?

absolutely. that might be even more hurtful than what people who live outside your body would say. anyways, i'd be very interested to hear that.

i don't have alters, but "singletons" (non-DID folks) often have conflicted consciousness. i have said more invalidating things to myself than anyone else! hm, maybe we should all post on here what we have said to ourselves, whether that be what alters have said or what we as a singleton said to ourself!

i have said things like "stop your f*cking whining you pathetic little b*tch" ... don't say that anymore, tho, thank god.

[jlandrith]

"But you're a man."

Wow!

Double

[jlandrith]

From a female survivor on another forum: "At some point you must have wanted it."

Yeah, I really wanted to be drugged, raped and blackmailed. Do me a favor and don't tell me what I did and did not want. Did you want to be raped? Or cannot you just not get past that fact that a woman can use her vagina to rape a man same as a man can use his penis? Is your brain really that inflexible and your bias so defined????

Another female survivor: "I don't understand why you didn't just say no BEFORE you went to sleep."

UMMMMM, what part of DRUGGED AND UNABLE TO CONSENT is so hard for your to understand you ________ clueless wonder????

Countless "tough" guys: "I'd have thrown her off" or "I'd have kicked that _______'s ass."

Yeah, I'm so sure that you'd have risked hurting a pregnant woman and her fetus in order to maintain your precious status as an alpha male wannabe tough guy. How about you shut up and go back to your action movies and six pack of whatever beer happens to be cheapest this week. I don't need your input.

From another female survivor: "I'd like to hear her side of it."

Why does my rapist get a vote? Because she has a vagina? So that makes it okay to look for excuses to rationalize what she did??? How about no, you don't get to "hear her side of it" you clueless, invalidating so and so.

Gonna stop here as I'm starting to get triggered and very angry. However, this would make an excellent and very therapeutic blog entry. I'm gonna have to publish an extended version there.

Edited December 5, 2010 by jlandrith

[Shido]

From a female survivor on another forum: "At some point you must have wanted it."

Yeah, I really wanted to be drugged, raped and blackmailed. Do me a favor and don't tell me what I did and did not want. Did you want to be raped? Or cannot you just not get past that fact that a woman can use her vagina to rape a man same as a man can use his penis? Is your brain really that inflexible and your bias so defined????

Another female survivor: "I don't understand why you didn't just say no BEFORE you went to sleep."

UMMMMM, what part of DRUGGED AND UNABLE TO CONSENT is so hard for your to understand you ________ clueless wonder????

Countless "tough" guys: "I'd have thrown her off" or "I'd have kicked that _______'s ass."

Yeah, I'm so sure that you'd have risked hurting a pregnant woman and her fetus in order to maintain your precious status as an alpha male wannabe tough guy. How about you shut up and go back to your action movies and six pack of whatever beer happens to be cheapest this week. I don't need your input.

From another female survivor: "I'd like to hear her side of it."

Why does my rapist get a vote? Because she has a vagina? So that makes it okay to look for excuses to rationalize what she did??? How about no, you don't get to "hear her side of it" you clueless, invalidating so and so.

Gonna stop here as I'm starting to get triggered and very angry. However, this would make an excellent and very therapeutic blog entry. I'm gonna have to publish an extended version there.

Parts of this made me laugh...in a 'good lord I know what you're talking about' kind of way. Like the awkward laughter in realizing you're not the only cripple in the room