Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!

[cryingstar]

I have been thinking all day about this. Most of us had to deal with "invalidation" in some form or another. It can be someone minimizing your experience, even avoiding you because of it, or just saying the wrong thing. Sometimes stupid comments are made by friends or relatives, those closest to you and whose opinion you value the most, or by random strangers. Either way, they hurt. No wonder survivors often have a huge problem with trust...sometimes we learn not to trust to protect ourselves.

I thought I'd make a list of some of the stupid remarks that have been said to me together with my replies (Most of the time I didn't say anything but I'll write what I now wish I had said back then)

"This is an unpleasant issue"

Huh, really? You know it was so pleasant for me to live it.

"My life is still worse then yours"

I'm sorry, are we having a contest?

"Are you sure he raped you? He seemed like such a nice guy"

Geez, let me think about it...Yes, I am sure.

Feel free to share any stupid comment you heard and maybe we can find a way to laugh at them together

BRAVA VERA: i couldn't have said it better. here are a few of mine: you know how he gets when he drinks, maybe, you should have worn something different, you are obviously lying to gain attention, i told you never to stay up and watch t.v. and my all time favorite, what was your problem?, he was fixed. gee, the last time i looked, AIDS, has become a real problem. not to mention, numerous STD infections. MY GOD, are these people, "friends" or family, really that stupid? why that is a big affirmative!!!! i'm looking forward to reading other ridiculous quotes. take care, cryingstar

[John]

From some ex-friends:

"I would not have gotten myself r*ped in the first place"

(well clearly that was my goal. i worked very hard at it.)

"A lot of other people have it MUCH worse, you should be grateful it wasn't worse"

(other people having it worse doesnt make mine hurt any less!)

"Who would want to r*ape you?"

(umm, pedophiles and r*apists, duh )

"People like us don't get r*aped"

(and exactly WHAT kind of people are we??)

ugh. these types of people are why i left high school and went to college a year early. so clueless.

They're very clueless, and the responses you put under the invalidating words are very appropriate, it is very sad that anyone could be so narrow minded as your ex-friends, and I am glad you no longer associate with them because you deserve better from your friends

[sunshinegirl]

"If that woman were never intoxicated, it just wouldn't have happened"

Yeah and what about the others that weren't drunk? What about them? Didn't think so, asshat.

Why didn't you tell us? I mean, we could have stopped it.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I was a F*cking CHILD and I didn't know it was wrong. Thanks for invalidating my abuse.

When telling a friend about it...

"I was r*ped"

"Oh my god, are you like, okay?"

"Umm...yeah I guess so"

"So how do you feel about it now"

WTF??? I mean, what am I supposed to say to are you okay? Umm, no you dumbshit, I'm in therapy and I have anxiety disorder and an eating disorder.

Edited December 17, 2008 by sunshinegirl

[sonnet]

has a 'friend' disbelive everything..never ever to my face. to my face she seem caring and supportive..and actually it was usualy her who started up converstations to get me talking...

then my other friends told me she was going round all of them, tell them about all the 'lies' i was telling...tellinghem all how dangerous i was..how much i was atention seeking...how sick i was..how i should not be belived.

i thought she was my freind

i wasnt lying!! i wasnt!

[purpletintedcrystal]

Past T -- "So can you go into details please?"

Doctor -- "Well if you put it to the back of your mind and don't let it bother you then it's okay"

[sonnet]

Doctor -- "Well if you put it to the back of your mind and don't let it bother you then it's okay"

oh yes..cos we of course CHOOSE to be haunted!!!

[beatrixface]

my God, some people say the most awful things!

ones i've made are mostly from my mummy

ones like "why is it still affecting you? just try not to think about it."

"i don't think you should wear that skirt - you know what happened last time you showed off your legs like that."

"you have nothing to be upset or worried about" - she said his 2 months after i told her what her brother had done to me.

i reminded her for the 3rd time to get me some natural sleeping aids and she replied "oh for god's sake bea stop annoying me with your problems!" i cried for a few days after she said that.

the only other one is from a teacher at school who saw i was upset. i didn't want to delve into it so i just said i had personal problems and they were upsetting/distracting me. while i was saying that i broke down, and she said "oh bea, you're so pretty, why are you in so much pain?"

like that has anything to do with it! and i've read of that being said before - what goes through these peoples minds when they decide to say this stuff. not every much i imagine.

[theprofessor]

"Who would rape you?"

Uhh... The question is, who WOULDN'T?

"there are a lot of people in the world who have had the same situation and worse"

I know, and as sad as that is for them, I was talking about MY problem!

"C'mon, don't tell me you didn't enjoy it just a little bit"

I didn't enjoy it in any measurement.

"But wasn't he married? He seemed like he was pretty normal"

Jeffery Dalmer was "normal" Ted Bundy was "normal"

"Well, you were probably asking for it, those big burly men working in your house. You were probably flaunting your sex appeal."

Ya caught me, in my most vulnerable state(sleeping), in my ugliest pjs, and I hadn't showered in like... 3 days, yeah, I was SOOOO flaunting my sexiness that day.

"Your nightmares sound stupid"

Oh, and I suppose an elephant falling from your ceiling fan sounds Soooooo much better

"I've had it much worse than you"

So its a contest now?

And my favorite:

"You know what Lindsey, Get over it, No one cares! No one will EVER care, okay? So stop whining about it and move on"

That one I didn't say anything, I punched her in the face.

[tasteslikecanadian]

A then ex-boyfriend when I needed to talk. It was about a week after reliving what had happened in my dreams, loudly. Someone in residence was running a gossip blog and made a post about it, which took it from being just my house that knew, to the entire campus.

All he would say to me was "Mer, you were drunk."

I think he was trying to make me realize that it was out of my control what happens in my sleep, but he was completely missing the terror, shame, confusion, and other emotions I was dealing with, and didn't understand why I was so upset about it.

*********************

The friend who called the ambulance when I wouldn't wake up from the dream:

"Mer, it's just a dream. It's in the past, it's not like it was even really happening. It's all in your head."

She did not get the whole 'it really happened, and while I was asleep as far as I knew it WAS happening" thing. We don't talk much anymore, or at least not about anything that matters.

[prezioso]

my dad talking about the one rape he knows about..

"you just need to be mentally strong. you can get past this."

Im being as mentally F*cking strong as i can be!!!!! what the hell else does he expect from me?! he jsut doesnt get it..

[Alicia]

"I can beat any story you've got."

[wendolynmarie]

This is something said to me by someone who didn't know about the situation. I was really depressed and a friend of mine said this:

"Hey. Cheer up silly. Things could be worse. I mean you could have been raped or something."

Yeah. My friends are silly.

Something else the same friend said to me was:

"You remind me of Eeyore from Winnie the Poo. Maybe we should pin the tail on the donkey with tacky glue instead. Then you will have a paper tail hanging from your butt. Yes I just called you a donkey. You silly silly donkey."

She's an interesting type person. Even if she does say things that sound stupid. >_<

And yes at the time the Eeyore thing did hurt. Now I just laugh about it.

[akpowell2000]

"Well, you should have known that would happen!!"

I should have known - really?! I must be a total idiot!

[sweetaslemons]

Comments made by my parents:

"Why do you let this bother you so much? You need to get over it and move on."

gee, thanks for that support you offered me

When my mom first found out about it, she looked at me kinda wierd and said "So you didn't try and fight him, try and scream for help? I thought we taught you better. You should have done something."

um, hello. knock knock, anyone in there? first of all, yes, I did try to get away from him at first. Second, I was 11 freaking years old and he was HUGE compared to me. Do you seriously think an 11-year-old that's scared shitless can fight off a grow man? Oh, im sorry. Ive only played it over a million times in my head, trying to figure out what I could have done differently. Youre really helping how I feel about this a lot, arent you.

"Youre school work is number one right now. It is more important than anything else."

Oh, right, im so sorry. I didnt realize that Im better off getting into a good college when my sanity isnt even in tact. And sorry that something might be just a little more important to me than my school work for once, ie whether or not Im alive tomorrow (i was suicidal when they said this).

I could say more, but I think this is enough for now.

[Mar]

Edit

Edited March 14, 2009 by Mar

[sunshinegirl]

Not specifically to me, but a friend said "if she had never drunken that night, she wouldn't have been raped."

Yes, because we really know what's going to happen when you go to a party. What a shame that she didn't bring her anti-rape condom, right? All her fault, isn't it.

[beatrixface]

"that's nothing to be suicidal about. stop talking sh*t and grow up."

from my mum, when i confided in her that it thought about ending it all.

yeah, that hurt.

she made me feel so pathetic.

[ShoePanda]

"You just don't appreciate your life."

Yeah thanks, as*hole. You certainly appreciate yours much better, always pissing and moan about how horrible your life is because you can't get anyone to settle down with you when your problem is exactly sh*t like this.

I told him he didn't hold the monopoly on pain and walked off.

professor: I wish I had the nerve to punch people in the face, lol. Good for you, maybe it straightened that b*tch out a bit.

Edited February 1, 2009 by ShoePanda

[Meredithgrrl]

"Friends":

"That's not rape."

"If you don't tell me everything, how can I believe you?"

"Then why do girls wear clothes like that if they don't want the attention?"

"Why were you with him?" ("with" as in "dating")

Mom, before it happened (still haven't told her because of this):

"Justin (previous boyfriend) wasn't the problem, you are!" (about my apparent "sexual promiscuity")

Mom, years afterward:

"Yeah, but you think everything down there hurts." (about vaginismus and annual exams)

[Shywriter]

My Dad told me this recently:

"Why didn't you kick him in the balls?"

I told him it was because he was sitting on my chest at first and also I was in F*cking shock!

I saw another post that said this too:

"You school work is number one right now."

A school counselor said this to me:

"Well guys are just like that" "God just made them that way, it's like a car going 100 mph and sometimes it's just so hard to stop"

I'm sorry but what the F*ck! Nothing, nothing gives the right for someone to do that. Nothing gives a person the right to violate another person like that.

My counselor today:

"Well you need to deal with it."

Really!? You think!? It's just a little bit harder than just saying it! Don't you think that I'm F*cking TRYING!? It's not like I'm twiddling my thumbs thinking, oh these are such lovely feelings, they just fill me with joy. I'm dealing with it the best I can!

She's actually quite a good counselor.

"Well it kinda was your fault"

"You have a little bit of blame in this."

Oh, the best one was from him:

"It isn't your fault. It just happened. I didn't mean to. It was an accident."

A F*cking accident!? He didn't take responsibility at all! But of course, why would he?

[xxisurvivedxx]

Some of the nastiest remarks were mentioned to me: *some are T*

My brother: "Lin, if you're doing this to f*ck up the guy, then you're fucked up!"

"Take a pregnancy test and if it comes up positive, tell mom, otherwise, keep your mouth shut"

From my boss when I needed time off:

"Are you sure this happened? You didn't dream this did you?"

From my boss, this time when I was browsing through A Sorta Fundraiser website:

"Incest. We shouldn't be helping people who are victims of incest. No one knows what is like to be raped. When you come into work and someone steals a sale from you, that's a f*ck up the ass."

My reply was: "How dare you, you know I am a survivor."

His smart ass remark:

"Who raped you, Fran?" (Meaning my close friend Francesca.

I cried for 2 days after that...

I've been told smart remarks too, but guess they weren't as bad because I have seemed to forget them.

My best friend asked if I was sure I didn't dream mine too. Yeah....people suck

[Sorrel]

"What's wrong with you?"

It makes my blood boil!!!!

[Guest lam_scot]

Sorell, I could`nt agree more. especially when they don`t want that question answered, huh?

[melsv]

Some of the nastiest remarks were mentioned to me: *some are T*

My brother: "Lin, if you're doing this to f*ck up the guy, then you're fucked up!"

"Take a pregnancy test and if it comes up positive, tell mom, otherwise, keep your mouth shut"

From my boss when I needed time off:

"Are you sure this happened? You didn't dream this did you?"

From my boss, this time when I was browsing through A Sorta Fundraiser website:

"Incest. We shouldn't be helping people who are victims of incest. No one knows what is like to be raped. When you come into work and someone steals a sale from you, that's a f*ck up the ass."

My reply was: "How dare you, you know I am a survivor."

His smart ass remark:

"Who raped you, Fran?" (Meaning my close friend Francesca.

I cried for 2 days after that...

I've been told smart remarks too, but guess they weren't as bad because I have seemed to forget them.

Complete A-hole!

[Cakes89]

I've heard hurtful comments towards my experience and about rape by people who have no idea i was raped.

Man he got raped in the ass! -my brother describing a football game and the player who had the ball intercepted from him.. i told him that was not even a little appropriate and was like please that barely happens anymore.. if only he knew!!

Well you should not drink anymore until you learn how to "handle" your self- I drank and went to bed!!!! by myself told everyone good night and crashed in MY BED IN MY ROOM IN MY MY MY APT while they stayed and partied with my roomate... this was by a rape hotline councler..

Why didn't you lock the door? damn you should have locked it, my boyfriend said that.. he's not a horrible person just had no idea what to say..

Why does this keep happening to you?? my boyfriend again.. his immediate reaction was terrible

Your stupid for not going to the cops.. my bf.. i know he sounds bad now but he was just mad and felt like i was letting this perv get away and have a wonderful life while i suffered .. this is what he told me

Well you do flirt alot-stupid friend

I wish he tried on me i would have kicked his ass-my roommate.. thanks for making me feel even more weak and stupid.

UGH this was a good vent