Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!

[audionectar]

"I don't think you should be sharing this"

"I don't want to know anything about it"

"The fact that you were unconscious doesn't make it rape, you were doing drugs"

"I think we should break up I don't think I can support you through this"

A conversation in reference to a sexual position

"Why can you do it it like that"......"god fine forget it"

First words from a new male therapist

"so I heard you were raped"

I could go on but I think thats enough

[AmyLyn]

But the worst invalidation is pretending like nothing was ever said at all.

Absolutely true.

Agree also.

[Katia60]

Yes. Deal with that all the time with my family.

Hugs to us all.

Kate

[AmyLyn]

"Just don't think about it"-my dad.

Yeah because that's so easy when you have PTSD and having flashbacks every 5 minutes...

[birgit.fishwife]

"This is always going to be with you, you have to come to terms with it."

Oh, marvellous. So my brain's going to be broken forever? Fantastic, thanks for letting me know.

[AmyLyn]

^ I've gotten that one before too, I'm like, "uh ok yeah thanks for letting me know. Gee I never would have figured this out..." Ignorant people...

Oh I got a personal favorite last night...*rolling her eyes*

I try to talk, and well..."oh...***changes subject***"

Ok you idiot why did you even offer to talk to me if you're not going to even listen?! Why do I even bother?

[audionectar]

I don't know if this response makes me feel better or worse

" I'm so sorry" then silence or subject change I just feel like saying "well thanks for the apology but I don't need you to feel sorry for me I need you to let me speak and for you to give me a meaningful response to what I'm saying"

[free2Bme]

`you know you and your H should just work it out`` some people have no consideration for others and seem to make assumptions without all the facts.

Ìt couldn`t have been all that bad`` talk about a trigger moment!

[cmbolton]

"Well maybe if you didn't act the way you did, we wouldn't have had to beat you and drag you down the stairs by your hair."

"You are such a burden. It would be best if you were medicated in an impatient mental facility."

"You were trouble since the day we brought you home from the hospital. No wonder you turned out the way you did."

"It's not like we didn't have a reason to beat you."

Thanks Mom and Dad. Glad to know I was a burden and I "provoked" you to beat the sh*t out of me and leaves me with marks on my body.

[Ashley Marie]

"Are you better yet? i mean.... its been a few months....when r u going to heal"

yes, because all it takes is a few months, then im f***in ducky! (geez)

[AmyLyn]

:bighug: Edited August 3, 2008 by AmyLyn

[SeekingSerenity]

From my dear older brother earlier tonight...

"You have nothing to be depressed about. You haven't been through enough to be so fucked up."

Oh yea. JUST what I needed after having heard that I have no grounds to press charges on the bastard. (The detective came by this morning to deliver the news.)

[Someone]

I've spent the past few days reading through this whole thread. Some people just seem to say insensitive things because they don't understand, but so many of these are just vicious and cruel. I'm SO SORRY that everyone had to deal with these.

I stopped to think about it and realized I have a few. I see this thread has been quiet for a while, but I hope it's okay if I post these. I want to get this out.

The worst one ever was from a relative who is my abuser's mother. At my baby shower, we had these silly little games. One asked our guests' to write down their favorite memories from our childhood. This female relative actually wrote something like,

"Walking in on you and my son playing doctor when you were kids."

What on earth? You've known me all my life and your favorite memory of me is WHEN YOU FOUND YOUR KID ABUSING ME?

I bawled and ripped the paper up. I locked myself in the bedroom and my husband held me. We were at my parents' house at the time. My dad has no idea (he would KILL the guy if he knew). My mom knows, but doesn't believe it was abuse. I've never told her it was. When I was around 7, we were caught naked together by that female relative. This female relative told my mom and they both berated me for being a sl*t.

I've always wondered if that same relative was abused by her father. Her responses to him really strike home with me. I asked my mom about it once and she blew up and asked, "How dare you even think that?" A few years later, during another conversation, my mother very matter-of-factly told me that the same female relative once claimed her father tried to "Do sex stuff to her." I asked if my mom believed it. Her reply was,

"No. She was a chubby ugly kid. Who would want to mess with her?"

And that is one of the reasons I have never told my mother that what happened was abuse.

Edited September 1, 2007 by Someone

[joss]

I send you all lots of care.

Edited December 25, 2008 by joss

[Cazzie]

It irritates me when someone is trying to speak out and it just gets slammed back intheir faces

[joss]

good on you!

Edited December 25, 2008 by joss

[joss]

I am sorry they were so hurtful.

Edited December 25, 2008 by joss

[joss]

Lilea, OMG that last comment made to you was the worst!

Hi Vera, this was a really good idea, venting like this. I myself have thought about it too. Here are the comments made to me:

By my "best friend" the DAY AFTER the rape:

"You seem upset. Your mom is worried about you. It's not the end of the world. Cheer up."

- Are you kidding me?? Unless you're totally emotionless, if YOU were raped, you would be A LOT MORE than upset!!

By my "best friend" after I started counseling:

"If that happened to me, I wouldn't need counseling."

- How would you know? You have never been raped, so you are not in any position to say!

(She is no longer my best friend.)

By the first people I spoke with after the rape...the police (actually just one officer):

"I think she's been here SEVERAL times." and

"Weren't you here A FEW WEEKS AGO?"

- No, I haven't been here in years. You don't know who I am, nobody has asked to see my driver's license. I hope you're not this insensitive to other rape victims.

Well Vera, this was a very good idea. Thank you!!

[joss]

this thread was a good idea.

Edited December 25, 2008 by joss

[joss]

Edited December 25, 2008 by joss

[joss]

I am sorry he made your house feel unsafe again.

Edited December 25, 2008 by joss

[shelfies]

After telling my mom that her boyfriend was molesting me.

She says.....What? You're a liar! You're just saying that because you hate him.

[morethanmelody]

"You need something to distract you! How about this magazine?"

"I've never known a christian woman who got raped. It just doesn't happen. Now, go read your bible. Something like that couldn't happen to you"

[LuthienTinuviel]

"I've never known a christian woman who got raped. It just doesn't happen. Now, go read your bible. Something like that couldn't happen to you"

exactly what my mom said to me recently

[shelfies]

"I've never known a christian woman who got raped. It just doesn't happen. Now, go read your bible. Something like that couldn't happen to you"

exactly what my mom said to me recently

That's terrible your mothers told you that. What bible are your mothers reading? King David's daughter Tamar was raped. Dinah was raped. Also a woman with no name was gang raped and died on a doorstep after she dragged herself home. Granted it was in pre-christian times, but there must have been a good reason why God had this written down in His Word. It does happen to worshippers of God.