Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!

[Arynna]

The main thing that sticks in my mind is when I had told my sister that during my rape the guy wanted me to 'go down there' for him and I refused! She said, "If it were me I would have and I would have bitten it off!!!" I was stunned by her comment and all I could think was, how do you know what you would do!!! And I didn't want 'IT' in my mouth! The situation was disgusting and humiliating enough...I didn't need to hear that from her....

[bunnyblue]

I'm sure there are plenty I'll have to add to this... but for now, the one that sticks most in my mind is the one that comes from my rapist:

"We were drunk, we made a mistake, you need to f*cking get over it."

I said f*ck you, called his name, and said f*ck you again and hung up on him.

He called back to call me a b*tch, and to tell me I'm f*cking spineless.

Some friend.

I guess next to that was hearing the police report read back to me. It stated that I "wiggled my hips and butt around". *excuse me?!*. I was trying to get away from him, and I never used those words. I said scooting away from him, pushing back on the bed. I remember showing the officer what I had done, tears streaming down my face as I showed him my movement, yet the sergeant who read that report back to me made it seem like I wanted it in those six words. Damn. The sergeant followed that with a question isn't whether or not the two of you had sex, it's whether or not it was consensual. My attacker's attorney said the very same thing in court....

oh, right, because I often report consensual sex to the authorities, and I think it's a fuckin' riot to drag my "friends" to court. Woo! PAR-TAY.

fachkers.

Edited May 22, 2007 by bunnyluv

[blackbird]

The main thing that sticks in my mind is when I had told my sister that during my rape the guy wanted me to 'go down there' for him and I refused! She said, "If it were me I would have and I would have bitten it off!!!"

I hear that fairly frequently or "You should have bitten it off! You had power." oh, right, because he wouldn't have hurt me at all if I'd hurt him. Yup.

[Alicia]

This thread pisses me off. A lot.

[AmyLyn]

It's not this thread that pisses me off...it's ignorant/mean people that piss me off...

[ButterflyRose]

I read all the comments here and I can relate, I have not told people close to me what really happened, I have told them I was "assaulted" and "beaten"

The response I have recieved from those close:

No response, changing the subject from numerous people

"He (my attacker) is so nice and cute"

"Well, who the hell told you to hang out with him"?

"Well, you knew he was bad news"

Not the response I was looking for which made me glad not to tell them I was R*ped.

Just wanted to say to those of you who have people tell you "what was she wearing", etc?

My Mom makes comments about women on the news that have been r*ped, "well she went off with 3 guys in a car, she knew what would happen"

I always explain to people that R*pe is a form of violence used to humiliate a person. If you look at various Genocides throughout history, Rape was used as one of the choice weapons along with guns, stabbings, etc, Men were anally R*ped by straight men in front of their families just to overpower humiliate and destroy them.

Elderly People in nursing homes are raped as well, to overpower and humiliate them. I always explain rape is not about sex, its about humiliation, control, and violence towards another human.

People always looked schoked when I say this and have nothing to say at all.

[hungtoi0763]

people are assholes, thats the only thing I know to be true....

One of my best friends said to me, in an attempt to cheer me up <I think? I hope?> while I was balling my eyes out afterward...

"WOW, Congratulations, you finally lost your virginity"

not cool.

[AmyLyn]

people are assholes, thats the only thing I know to be true....

One of my best friends said to me, in an attempt to cheer me up <I think? I hope?> while I was balling my eyes out afterward...

"WOW, Congratulations, you finally lost your virginity"

not cool.

Just when I thought I had heard it all...when I read this one my eyes were like:

Seriously...WTF is WRONG with these people????????????!

[justbeginning]

I always explain to people that R*pe is a form of violence used to humiliate a person. If you look at various Genocides throughout history, Rape was used as one of the choice weapons along with guns, stabbings, etc, Men were anally R*ped by straight men in front of their families just to overpower humiliate and destroy them.

Elderly People in nursing homes are raped as well, to overpower and humiliate them. I always explain rape is not about sex, its about humiliation, control, and violence towards another human.

People always looked schoked when I say this and have nothing to say at all.

This is very true. People have a hard time understand that it is not about sex most of the time. Sexual abuse is the most humiliating thing ever, and once you have humiliated someone, it is easier to have power over them.

[hungtoi0763]

Thanks Snow :]

[gumby]

My neighbor, a perceptive teacher a few months after I was raped and she figured it a 1 or 2 years later that I was raped, said but not the intended comment if she had known who the rapist was. She said, "he's hot. maybe you should date him," when he was at my house.

Afterwards of figuring out when and what had happened to me, she agreed not let my family know and said that "if [she] ever found out who he was that [she] would [punish (in my fav form)] him."

[kellyweired]

I hate that people just pretend nothing happened or they don't think you should just stay the same and get better

[ainedb]

I hate this:

"He didn't physically force you so it isn't rape."

and

"It's not like you couldn't have fought him off, you are bigger and stronger and even trained in martial arts".

and

"He was your boyfriend for two years, right? So he probably thought you wanted it."

Well, guess what, I didn't want it, we had been broken up, and he used emotional coercion, which will always be far more painful and hard for me to fight than any physical confrontation. Plus nobody is ready to fight someone when they are woken up out of sleep feeling helpless and confused.

Oh, and my friend who was raped gets this one a lot:

"You always were such a drama queen. It's been a few years, don't you think it's about time to pull yourself together?"

Edited May 31, 2007 by ainedb

[AmyLyn]

I hate this:

"He didn't physically force you so it isn't rape."

I hate this one too. It's complete bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[cmbolton]

From my mom when I told her I went looking for my rapist (on the computer) to see what has become of him and found him:

"Well there's nothing you can do. Its your word against his and they're not going to believe you."

Edited June 1, 2007 by cmbolton

[AmyLyn]

^ if ok? I know people saying things like that doesn't help one bit! I'm sorry she said that.

[Rabbit]

Haven't told many people, but definitely the most invalidating that hurts SO much was my mom's response... "You were making out with him. Don't even go there."

And my a**hole ex, "Most women are turned on by rape."

[Icyjava8]

A long list, I will probably add new posts when they occur.

"You and Eric have ruin the family"

My sister referring the fact that both my brother and I have PTSD.

"You are just making it up so you can get attention"

Like I want to go through the pain??? This was told to me by my sister while I was shaking and crying. What is even worse is that my parents want me to get over the fact that my sister thinks I am lying.

"Oh, she is overreacting."

My parents telling my understanding sister that they were not coming home to take care of me after my sister had picked me up because I was having a severe panic attack and thinking about suicide. This is the most common response I get from people.

"There is nothing we can do for you."

My parents view on their role in my recovery.

"I want to speak to your therapist about the clothing that you wear. It is too provocative."

My father's main concern about the aftermath of the abuse. Ok, so I guess I have to wear baggy clothes to convince him I was raped????

"I was raped and it has not affected me. Why are you bothered by it?"

Ok, if she is truly fine with it, I am jealous.

"He was such a nice guy, he could not have raped that girl."

My sister discussing a friend of hers that was accused of raping one of her other friends.

[la_columna_rota]

"Get over it"

This is by far the most common one.

But there are other reactions, too... after the article I wrote, I was talking to a classmate "A" about it and another classmate "B" overheard who (but not what) we were talking about.

B started going on and on about how he idolized the man who raped me, totally oblivious as to what A and I had been talking about. Finally A blurted out, "He raped her, man."

Then B went bright red and his mouth moved but he didn't say anything, just started to cry. For some reason this really stuck with me... after all the careless comments and insults and stupid people, this guy crying his heart out without saying a word, like knowing this had just destroyed everything his world was built on, struck me the hardest.

[onlyhope]

I had someone ask me if 1, did he use a condom, and 2 didn't you take the time to tell him you wern't on birth control?! (as if he gave a crap that i might get aids or pregnant?!?! and excuse me if that wasn't on the list of things i tried shouting!) augh.

Even better is I finally fessed up to a friend of mine what was really going on. And then she started relating it to her relationship problems with her boyfriend, oh boohoo...I'm so sorry that your life sucks more than mine.

And, well why didn't you want to be with him? (did i even know the guy?!)

or, hey you need to get over it and concentrate on living. (excuse me if this may have interrupted something!)

or, why didn't you kick his butt? wern't you a soccer player? (and what was i supposed to do about the times he brought his friends?!)

[Justice Fighter]

Why did you want the baby in the first place, it wasn't even really yours?!?!?! (half my DNA you f***wit)

It's your fault the baby died, you didnt protect it. (Ok.. and when there are six people attacking you you're meant to do what?!?!)

You should have slept more and eaten better then maybe the baby would've survived (And the beating had nothing to do with any of it)

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[nat_6152]

This little gem from my ex:

"Why should you care? What's your problem? I mean, come on, it's not like you can feel anything anyway" (the background to this comment is that I have a spinal cord injury and don't have any movement or sensory 'awareness').

Excuse me??!!! Why should I care?? Well, hey, maybe because I got repeatedly...well...you know...until I went unconscious, so pardon me if I should dare to have a problem with that

Good thread, btw

Nat

[AmyLyn]

.

Edited March 5, 2008 by AmyLyn

[sonnet]

got this one not that long ago....

I was out with my ex, and one of my friends at a pub..( we had been therre less than an hour when he said it)

cant remeber exactly what he said..but it was some really horrible, inapropriant joke about child abuse...specifically child sexual abuse...

i looked at him, gave him one of my "you filthy creature how dare you" glares....he go's "wot??, it was just a f*cking joke..its a night out man, chill"

I said.."i really dont think children being raped is somthing to laff about..i think its quite sick actually"

he looked at me, laughs, then says " Oh for fucks sake jacqui..just cos it happened to you, dont make yourself a Martyr for the f*cking cause"

I didnt know what to do...my firend didnt even know anything happened to me..she looked at me with this look of concern...i couldnt handle it, and bolted to the toliets to lock myself in and hide..my friend follwed me, and stayed with me till i calmed down again...i was soooo triggered...

He just sat there..when i came back he gsve me this look..like i was the one on the wrong. I felt horrible all night..like everyone in the bar knew, and thot it was funny

[wmnow80]

I have been fortunate to have been validated by the few people I have told my story to, so I thought that would put a little spin on this one and show how I personally have invalidated someone who has come to me with their story. This happened when I was 12 years old in the seventh grade. My friend D. , also in the seventh grade, was "dating" as senior. She came to me during the first two weeks of school and said that she was raped by her boyfriend. I think I gave her the "Are you sure?" I don't blame myself for not having better advice for D. I was 12 and I certainly didn't get that advice from home, but a little while later the 18 year old boy was arrested and chared with rape of D. I don't know what happened after that. D. stopped talking to me for what seemed to be unrelated reasons at the time, but I bet it had more to do with me not being there for her.

The point of all this. I think it would be benificial to teach our pre-teens and teens to take their friends seriously when they come to you with very personal information, teach them to look beyond the assumptions they might have about their friends behavior. For example, so what she is "dating" a senior (yuk) don't assume she's loose and sexual contact is consentual. That was my mistake. I make a character judgement based on very little knowlege about her character rather than listening and protecting which is what a friend, or even an aquaintence, as long as someone feels safe confiding in you should do. This is another on that I gotta tell this neice