I'm Hoping This Will Help...

[BeautifullyBroken]

Hello, I'm Helen and I'm 18. I came here because it helps to know that I am not alone, and I was hoping that I could get advice from people who have been through a similar situation.

I was sexually abused from when I was 8-10, by a family friend. Not a friend of my parents, but a friend of my cousins and Aunt. I have been abused emotionally and physically too (not by the same person), but the memories of the sexual abuse came flooding back to me last October. Since then, I have been trying very hard to hold myself together and get on with life as usual; do my exams, etc.

However, the past few weeks have been so difficult...I'd been under a lot of pressure anyway and just reached breaking point. I had a kind of breakdown with my best friend on August 17th, and we both ended up crying and screaming and holding each other (she was abused by her brother). I am incredibly grateful to have her, as she has been the one getting me through everything, and vice versa. But the minute she isn't there I feel terrible again. Last Tuesday, I was in a bad way and felt as though I couldn't cope anymore, with anything. I felt as though I was going insane, couldn't stop crying, and ended up telling my parents. I never wanted to tell them, as I didn't want to ruin their image of me being their 'perfect princess'. I never wanted them to know how ruined I felt. When I told them, they were in deep shock and devastated. My dad wanted to know all the facts (which didn't help), and they kept saying that I should have told them sooner, and why didn't I? Truth is, they never really listen. And there have been signs all along. But I don't blame them for not knowing...there is no way I would do that.

Since I told them, they have not mentioned anything. My dad mentioned my mums reaction briefly, but that was it. Their reaction is screwing me up even more, as it is like they are doing what they always do: ignore the situation, pretend it will go away. I've been feeling very depressed, and just staying in my room. I don't feel like seeing anyone. My mum told me yesterday that she presumed I was 'down' because of 'university stuff'! (I am yet to know if I have got into university or not). I can't believe this is what she honestly thinks. To be honest, I have spent the past 6 years planning to go to university, thinking it will be a 'fresh start', but I don't even care right now. Thats how bad I feel. It's like it doesn't matter where I am, I will still feel like this. My parents think that if I get into university, everything will be just wonderful. I can't stand it. I can see no way out of this... I would give anything to feel whole again.

Sorry this is so long...I hope it is okay me being here, as I don't know where/who else to turn to.

[Becky]

Helen,

Welcome to AS

We are glad to have you here. I am sorry for what you have been though.

Have you considered going into therapy ? I have found it to be extremely helpful. It is very hard for family members to know how to deal with this. It is hard for most people who have never been through it to understand how damaging it is. I think you expressed it perfectly when you said, you felt ruined. I think it would help you to be able to talk it out with someone who is trained to help.

Please know that we are here for you and want to support you in any way possible. This is a wonderful, supportive environment and I think you are doing the right thing by coming here.

Sending warm thoughts your way.

Becky

[BeautifullyBroken]

Thanks...it is nice to know people care and want to help =)

I have thought about therapy...and when I told my parents, my dad suggested it. But therapy goes against what I have been trying to maintain for many years: 'I can deal with it by myself'. Its very important to me to be strong, but I can feel it fading. I don't know how to even go about therapy.

Also I forgot to mention something. My dad was sexually abused when he was a child too. I guess it doesn't make it easier for him to help me though...

[Becky]

Hi,

Maybe your dad did the same thing you have been trying to do- handle it alone, be strong, push it all away. Maybe he has never fully dealt with it himself.

I understand exactly how you feel. I have been a master at it. Unfortunately, it doesn't work forever, as you are finding out now. Sooner or later it all catches up to you.

In therapy you learn that there is a process. You have to go back and face it head on- fully excepting that you were a victim, that you were hurt and acknowledging the damage that was done, mourning that lost innocence and only then can you really become strong.

I understand that to feel helpless is the worst thing. I have spent the majority of my life avoiding that very thing. I always believed I was strong and I could get through anything...that I needed noone.

It is still a daily struggle. I thought showing emotion was weak. The truth I am learning now is that real strength comes when you let the emotion in...sometimes it feels overwhelming but until you do that you can't get through it fully. We learn defense mechanisms but ultimatlely what at one time protected us, later keeps us from fully being able to live. If you keep out the feelings of pain, it is hard to feel real joy too. You just become numb.

Therapy is hard. But worth it. A trained therapist can help you to deal with all of this in a healthy way.

You have to decide what is right for you...but keep reading other members posts and soon you will see more clearly.

You have taken a good first step in beginning to talk about it. That is a very hard thing to do and you should feel proud.

Take gentle care.

[Bianca]

Hi honey im am so glad that you found this site... these people here are full of advise and love they surely can help you.

Bianca

[dodo]

hi and welcome to AS

best wishes

karen

[BeautifullyBroken]

I just hate how I feel. I have held it all together for years but now it is as though I am falling apart piece by piece...I have this terrible feeling that one of these days I won't be able to stop screaming. I just want to get away from everything.

[EllieMae]

Hi Helen,

Welcome to After Silence. I'm so glad you've found your way here. May your journey be a beautiful one of change and healing. Your name - "Beautifully Broken" has such an incredible meaning to me. Thank you for blessing my life today.

~Ellie Mae

[azaleacmu]

I just want to let you know you're not alone. When I revealed to my parents, they did nothing. Eight years later it is still hard to deal with that. When I began counseling, it got harder because I told them and I felt like they ignored me all over again. But what I know now is sometimes, as unfair as it is, you have to give yourself what others can't. My mom, too was sexually abused so it was her I was most dissapointed in because I thought she'd understand. But she never dealt with it and her unhappiness of stuffing it in, as you say, has haunted her entire life. That's why I decided to get help--I won't let myself be 60 years old and still letting this bum hurt my life. You are smart in getting help young. Counseling can be hard-they aren't all good, but it's worth it to have someone at least get you started in sorting it all out. What can be even more helpful is support groups like this site and going in person-they have them in most communities and they are free. You can call your local shelter hotline.

Best of luck sweetie. You are doing a great thing! Hang in there!

[thriver]

Welcome, Helen. I think you've found a helpful, supportive place in AS. I don't know about England--I've met a few survivors from England through the boards I'm on and through my blog, but only a few--but here in the US you can find a therapist who is an expert in traumatic stress. It sounds like working with one may be very helpful to you as it sounds like you're dealing with a lot of trauma. Maybe your parents would support that? Best wishes on your healing journey. You deserve to heal!

[Donna]

Welcome to AS.

[Haullie]

Welcome to After Silence!

We are SO glad that you are making this healing journey with us.

Love & Hugs, Haullie

[girl_interrupted]

I think you are incredibly couragious and I'm sorry you've had to endure all that . I only found this site yesterday but I already feel it's helping me, it really is a wonderful site. Loving your name. If you ever need to talk huni i'm here lv mic x

[~Catherine~]

Welcome to After Silence

~Catherine

[Ardatha]

It takes a stronger person to know when they need help and seek it out than it does to simply ignore it until it hopefully goes away. Strength of character is often confused with physical strength and it does not matter how physically strong a person is if their strength of character is lacking. To know oneself and understand that seeking support is not exposing weakness. To stand up for one's beliefs and do the right thing requires an enormous amoung of courage and strength. To face down the odds, regardless of what others may think, say, or do... that is to show great strength and enormous courage.

Courageous people are not without fear. Instead they understand their fear and know their limitations. They will be the first ones to accept help in times when they are the most courageous. Hun, you are not exposing weakness when you reach out for the assistance it sometimes takes to deal with the tough situations our lives tend to throw in our paths. What you are truly doing is seeking guidance for a part of your path that has become obscured and potentially harmful. There is no shame in that.

I hope I've made some sense here in what I'm trying to say. Darned drugs... they do help with the pain but make my thoughts a little foggy sometimes. I can see it clearly in my head but getting it down on "paper," as it were... that's a whole 'nother ball game.

Anyway, welcome to After Silence. This is an enormously supportive and encouraging community of people who've pretty much been where you've been and seen what you've seen. Most importantly though... you are not alone.

Meg

[Rebel Grrl]

Welcome to AS, Helen. I am sure you can get a lot of help and support here!