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I Barely Believe It Myself

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I have tried to write an introduction but whenever I try to simply say why I am here I find I cant. I have pretended that it all never happened and pushed it out of my mind for so long I almost dont believe it did now. Almost.

I was raped by a stranger at knife point when I was 14 - I never told anyone and beat myself up about this for years

I was raped by an acquaintance when I was 17 - I told the police - it went to court and he was found not guilty - I was devastated.

I was drugged and raped when I was 27 - I dont remember much about this incident - not even how many were involved.

I ended up with major depression and ptsd - I then moved to australia to start again - this was 5 years ago.

I made a conscious decision to put it all out of my mind, pretend it was all something I had read in a book or something and not something that happened to me. This has worked in varying degrees for the past 5 years but I am having nightmares again now and finding it too hard to pretend it didnt happen. I have not had counselling as I cant see how talking can make it any better. It is what it is.

When I read what I have written it looks as if it must have been made up. How can this have all happened to one person? Maybe this is why i tell no one. I dont want to feel this way anymore. I cant see how I can ever not feel this way though either. I dont know how to move towards being free of it all. When I try to sort it all out in my mind and make myself accept it - all I feel is empty inside. How can it be that I feel nothing?

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I believe you. It is a hard road when you decide to heal, I've only just begun myself and I tend to take more steps backwards than forwards most days. Just know you are not alone, the support and understanding I have received at AS has been overwhelming. Welcome to the board!

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Hi and welcome to AS :hi:

I understand that you feel like looking back on things, how can this be your life? I feel that way often. You will find that many of us have been a victim of multiple assaults. i can't explain that. It just seems like at some point you have this bulls eye on your back.

The thing is that therapy really does help...if you have the right therapist. It should be someone who understands sexual abuse.

Sometimes as hard as we try, we can't just forget and get over it. A trained therapist can help you help yourself. Pushing it all away doesn't work in the long term. The only thing that works is to fully deal with it and to do that you have to be able to go through the stages...of feeling it, the anger and the grief is a part of it. We become good at avoiding all that but eventually it catches up with you and causes problems.

I hope that you will find all the support you need! We are glad to have you here. :hug:

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I understand the pain you feel and i can say for everyone hear we believe your story. many of us had multiple rapes or rapist. i myself was molested form age 8-13 and was date raped at 21. so you can feel comfort in know we all understand. I hope you find this place to be of as much help as the rest of us have. and I pray for your healing journey to not have too many pot holes.

God bless,

Kristine :tealribbon:

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We all have a story to tell, we all do understand. Our experiences may differ but our pain is the same. Part of the healing process, from my own experience, is taking our own time to talk about what has happened to us. I believe if you look around on this site you will probably see that we all have and still do have fears of sharing what we are going through, what we have survived. A little bit at a time. Take it second by second if need be. It is okay. We are all here for you.

Take care,


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Welcome to AS. :)

How can it be that I feel nothing?

Feeling nothing or numb is a protective measure your body and mind use so you can go about everyday life and function like you need to. Unfortunately for most of us, that coping skill doesn't last as long as we want it to so the past comes back and can really affect your present. Keep reading on AS and you will find you are not alone. Post as you need or want to. Take gentle care. :hug:

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I'm glad you're here. It helps me to know that I'm not the only one this has happened to. I hope you will find the same strength and comraderie here that I have. You are more brave than you know and we will be here to help you every step of the way. Together, we are strong!

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  • 3 weeks later...

:butterfly::chat:Welcome to After Silence! :bighug::hug:

We are SO glad that you are making this healing journey with us.

Love & Hugs, Haullie

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