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Grown Man Reflecting On Childhood


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Hi everyone,

I'm new here and trying to come to terms with sexual abuse as a child at the hands of my father.

It has affected me in countless ways, and I am finding it difficult to put some sort of shape to it all.

the paradox of being abused my him, and also loving him as a father is very confusing. I don't know what to think about that one.

I seem to be such an insecure person, thinking myself unworthy of respect, and of love. yet the people who know me say I'm caring, gentle, sensitive..

i don't know how to go about addressing this but I strongly feel a need to deal with it, to understand what I am feeling..

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WELCOME
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Hi and welcome to After Silence. :hi:

This place is wonderful and supportive. I hope you find the support you deserve.

Take gentle care,

Lindy

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Hi and welcome to the group...

"I'm new here and trying to come to terms with sexual abuse as a child at the hands of my father."

Then you are in good company here, this is a none judgemental place where people can so associate with what you may have been through..

"It has affected me in countless ways, and I am finding it difficult to put some sort of shape to it all."

Yes,incredibly confusing, nothing fits, bit like jigsaw with some pieces missing or some additional wrong pieces thrown in :o(

"the paradox of being abused my him, and also loving him as a father is very confusing. I don't know what to think about that one."

Your dad was/is a significant other in your life, maybe the most significant other you will ever have. Maybe now its about understanding why he did what he did and what that means for you right now, maybe this will give you a handle on your feelings towards him..

"I seem to be such an insecure person, thinking myself unworthy of respect, and of love. yet the people who know me say I'm caring, gentle, sensitive.."

Maybe the insecurity is about the unaswered questions you have. Your learned way of being may be that the love of the closest people to you comes with conditions, as you look back maybe it is this that makes you feel unworthy now :o( Know this, you are most worthy and definately good enough, all survivors are !!

"i don't know how to go about addressing this but I strongly feel a need to deal with it, to understand what I am feeling.."

And why wouldnt you right now..these questions and answers exist on the edge of your awareness, as time goes by they grow stronger and almost demand to be heard and answered.I wondered if you had considered counselling or therapy of some form ?

I wish you lots of luck with this and again welcome to the group

Brian

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