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Guest Donna

Question?

4 posts in this topic

I was raped 3 times during my 5 yr career with the military....the first two times were very violent, as the guys were both very physically and mentally abusive (calling me a tease, w**re, etc.) and I fought both till the very end (not ready to go into anymore detail about them at the moment). It's the third one that I am having doubts about. My sick mother had a friend in the air national guard that was coming to my base for a training exercise and she gave her $40 to take me out and get me "laid" (despite being happily married for 5yrs and having 3 children). Well I did not know this at the time and went out with my mom's friend to a club (my husband had to stay home because we couldnt get a sitter on such short notice). She bought me drinks all night (was an "unknowing" alcoholic at the time) and offered to give a couple guys that we met on the way out of the club a ride home as they were staying on base in a dorm just down from where she was staying. When we got there her and one of the guys went outside of the room to "smoke" leaving me and this guy alone. He quickly leaned in to kiss me and I said "no, I'm married" and he replied, "so am I, so don't worry"...at this time I was quite drunk and had trouble just staying upright. He then leaned right back in to kiss me again and I said, "no stop" and pushed him off accept this time he didnt really stop kissing me....he leaned into me and pushed me onto the bed. I managed to push him off me and he got up. I just laid there for what felt like forever not quite knowing what was happening until I saw him over me again with his pants off and a condom on.....he started to pull my pants off and i just remember thinking that its gonna happen anyway so why fight...i knew i was just gonna get hurt more (though i did try to squirm a bit but was very weak due to the alcohol). after he had my pants off he tried to get inbetween my legs but i kicked him off with my knees and he just laughed...he then stuck his knee between mine and wedged himself inbetween my legs....his knee hurt and i said OWW! a few times. He hurt me when he started and i again said, "stop get off" and pushed him up off me but he said, "dont worry no one will know". After that i just gave up and went limp, but it seemed to go on forever so i started to imagine my husband on top of me instead of him.....and this leads me to my question - he managed to hit my "spot" during the 20 minutes or so that this went on and i actually had an orgasm, but I was imagining my husband and not him.....i kept it quiet and didnt let him know it happened but im not sure if because i had an orgasm that it means the sex wasnt rape? either way I feel terrible for having one and felt like dieing right afterward when i realized who i was actually with.

Thanks for the help everyone, I really appreciate it.

Donna

P.S. - I hope everyone is doing well.

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(((((((( Safe Gentle Hugs ))))))))

**** Could be tt *****

I have read your post, usually I would'nt have read something graphical, but I could relate to so much, of what you said, and thought, to reply to you, which I wanted, I had to read it.

Usually, I would have been triggered, but Hey, I am ok.

In regards to your question, I will say something re me, and what my therapist told me.

When i was abused at an older age, 14-18, I would get sensations down below, when they did things, at the time, I was not sure what it meant, but now, after actually talking to a counsellor, it was an orgasm, I felt dirty etc, but the truth of it is, I was a youn lady, not really a child anymore, and it was normal for me to have sensations down below, although not normal to be abused. Hope this makes sense?

Counsellor said, it was not dirty, it was a woman responding to stimulation down there, which is normal, what was wrong about it, for me was that I was being abused by my dad. In your case, what was wrong about it, was you were being raped, although you repeatedly Said NO.

The only way, you could deal with it, was thinking of your husband, that is normal, ((((((Donna))))))).

I truly hope that I have written this ok, just wanted to try and explain, how I dealt with that problem of guilt re my orgasm when my so called dad did things.

Take Care

Love Catherine

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Catherine,

Thanks for responding and I'm sorry I didnt give a disclaimer before my post (didn't really expect to get that detailed). I hope my post didn't start your day off on a bad note:( Anyway, I really appreciate your input and admire your strength.

Hugs,

Donna

[Edited on 10-9-2003 by Donna]

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Hey Donna, no, you di'nt trigger me, I was fine, thank you, hope you are felling better this afternoo?

((((((Safe Gentle Hugs ))))))))

Love Catherine

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