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Childhood trauma


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Happy New Year, that has been on the lips of everyone I’ve heard from today. Little does everyone know that this holiday, makes me sick to my stomach. Where do I begin, there is so much to tell, so much to say, I’m a walking, talking, Lifetime movie alert. I’m a survivor they say, not really true, yes physically I survived it all, mentally my life was destroyed. I’m the secret in the room, the big white elephant that the “elders” in my family hold their breath waiting for all the secrets to come out. 28 years, I’ve smiled and pretended everything was ok for the good of the family, that’s what was wanted, that’s what I was told had to happen for everyone involved to move on. My feelings never mattered, my hopes and dreams crushed, my trust gone forever. I was only 14, and had everyone against me, family, friends, the cops. It was too horrible to comprehend, not in this town, not that family. When two adult males take a 14 yr old family member down a deserted dirt road and rape her, it’s unspeakable, better to cover it all up for the sake of the family. So for 28 years, not a word, not a whisper, but a innocent child who was already being tortured at home by an drunkin stepfather already, then had two more monsters in the closets. The villains in my story is everybody I knew and trusted, the guilt eats my love ones alive that know about during this time. The rest that came later have no clue and it would destroy many families if it ever came out. So I have sacrificed myself for close to 30 years for the “good of the family” or so I was told. During the unspeakable act the one thing I remember the most was the count down of the new year on the radio, along with the smell of whiskey. I’m broken and unfixable, but I’m a survivor. 
I’m new here, so if this isn’t the right way of posting something let me know please. 

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Hi SadAtHeart and welcome.

I am so sorry for all you've been thru...the trauma you've endured, all the secrets you were forced to keep, and the struggles you still face. What happened to you was wrong and undeserved and I am sorry that you were sacrificed for the "betterment" of the family. It seems someone (or many someones) forgot YOU were a part of this family and YOU were not ok. How could you be?

I've held on to my secrets for the sake of the family, too...but in a different sense, so I won't pretend that I know exactly what you feel, but do know the struggles and the pain of not having that support or love that one needs to help them look forward and find a path that could lead to healing. I'm very sorry you know this. 

Many here have difficulties with holidays. It can stir emotions and sadness. You will see the "Happy New Year" here and there on this site, but it is meant more on wishing us all a better year to come than perhaps the last year or years have brought. It is a good sediment, but you are dealing with the added...what we call here...a traumaversary. It's a specific day one remembers in which the trauma has taken place. No traumaversary date is a good one, but as it collides with a holiday, it's understandable difficult and triggering. I'm very sorry.

You are described with the member title of survivor, but if you aren't comfortable with it, that is ok. Hopefully, one day you can think of yourself that way, but each of us needs to come to that point of believing ourselves.

I am glad you decided to reach out. This community is filled with many supportive, understanding and kind members. You can share what you are comfortable with and there will be no judgement...just validation. I hope you come to see this as the safe and healing place the we do.

Wishing you the best as you continue down this path we call healing. You are not alone.

Mary

:supportu:

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Welcome to AS and I am so sorry for what happened to you and how it continues to affect you to this day. Know that here you can share as much of what happened as you wish and be heard in a way you were not before. ♥️

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18 hours ago, SadAtHeart said:

Happy New Year, that has been on the lips of everyone I’ve heard from today. Little does everyone know that this holiday, makes me sick to my stomach. Where do I begin, there is so much to tell, so much to say, I’m a walking, talking, Lifetime movie alert. I’m a survivor they say, not really true, yes physically I survived it all, mentally my life was destroyed. I’m the secret in the room, the big white elephant that the “elders” in my family hold their breath waiting for all the secrets to come out. 28 years, I’ve smiled and pretended everything was ok for the good of the family, that’s what was wanted, that’s what I was told had to happen for everyone involved to move on. My feelings never mattered, my hopes and dreams crushed, my trust gone forever. I was only 14, and had everyone against me, family, friends, the cops. It was too horrible to comprehend, not in this town, not that family. When two adult males take a 14 yr old family member down a deserted dirt road and rape her, it’s unspeakable, better to cover it all up for the sake of the family. So for 28 years, not a word, not a whisper, but a innocent child who was already being tortured at home by an drunkin stepfather already, then had two more monsters in the closets. The villains in my story is everybody I knew and trusted, the guilt eats my love ones alive that know about during this time. The rest that came later have no clue and it would destroy many families if it ever came out. So I have sacrificed myself for close to 30 years for the “good of the family” or so I was told. During the unspeakable act the one thing I remember the most was the count down of the new year on the radio, along with the smell of whiskey. I’m broken and unfixable, but I’m a survivor. 
I’m new here, so if this isn’t the right way of posting something let me know please. 

Dear Heart, so sorry for all that has happened and mostly for what should have happened and didn't.  Reading your story is just quite shocking as it could be my very words and story. Know that you are not alone.  Also, you will get passed this.  It does get better.  I promise.  Been there and here and sometimes there again a few times.  This is a very triggering time for you no wonder it is extra difficult now.  I want all the best for you.  You are so young.  I started my rocovery at 38 years of age. Also, there were no resources then.  But there are now and something great you have found us here at AS.  We will keep you company through your healing journey that starts here and now.  Welcome beautiful person.  So glad to meet you and I am really looking forward to hearing from you.  Hugs if K.  We are survivors and have made it this far. The world is before us full of hopes and dreams and happy times. awi

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Welcome to AS. So sorry for all you have been through and the secrets you were/are forced to keep. We are all survivors. We will keep you company through your healing journey.

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@SadAtHeart I am sorry that you experienced trauma.  It was undeserved and unfair.   I am glad that you found your way to AS, and I hope that you can find the comfort and healing here that many of us experience. 

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On 1/2/2024 at 3:35 AM, SadAtHeart said:

Happy New Year, that has been on the lips of everyone I’ve heard from today. Little does everyone know that this holiday, makes me sick to my stomach. Where do I begin, there is so much to tell, so much to say, I’m a walking, talking, Lifetime movie alert. I’m a survivor they say, not really true, yes physically I survived it all, mentally my life was destroyed. I’m the secret in the room, the big white elephant that the “elders” in my family hold their breath waiting for all the secrets to come out. 28 years, I’ve smiled and pretended everything was ok for the good of the family, that’s what was wanted, that’s what I was told had to happen for everyone involved to move on. My feelings never mattered, my hopes and dreams crushed, my trust gone forever. I was only 14, and had everyone against me, family, friends, the cops. It was too horrible to comprehend, not in this town, not that family. When two adult males take a 14 yr old family member down a deserted dirt road and rape her, it’s unspeakable, better to cover it all up for the sake of the family. So for 28 years, not a word, not a whisper, but a innocent child who was already being tortured at home by an drunkin stepfather already, then had two more monsters in the closets. The villains in my story is everybody I knew and trusted, the guilt eats my love ones alive that know about during this time. The rest that came later have no clue and it would destroy many families if it ever came out. So I have sacrificed myself for close to 30 years for the “good of the family” or so I was told. During the unspeakable act the one thing I remember the most was the count down of the new year on the radio, along with the smell of whiskey. I’m broken and unfixable, but I’m a survivor. 
I’m new here, so if this isn’t the right way of posting something let me know please. 

Thank you so much for trusting us and sharing your story. I am sitting with you. I am sorry for all the pain those people caused in your life, I am sorry you had to stay in silence for so long, I am sorry for the injustices you had to face and the wounds all these terrible experiences caused. I know how heavy can silence become, however here you do not need to be silent anymore. Here we can hold your pain with you together. You are not alone. Sending hugs if it is ok. ❤️

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I’m sorry that no one in your family is on your side, even though they should be. I’m sorry for the trauma you’ve suffered. I can’t imagine the pain you’ve gone through for so long. I hope things get better soon.

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Dear Sadatheart

 

Welcome to After Silence. I am sorry to hear of the trauma you have been through!

 

Being here has helped me so much. Everyone is so caring and supportive here. I am proud of you for reaching out. I know that is hard to do. I also know that you will find that needed compassion and support here within our community. Know we are here for you and we will listen whenever you would like to lean on us.    

 

Take care and please do not hesitate to ask for any help if you ever need it.  

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