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Finally told someone what happened when I was a kid (CSA)


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Trigger warning: CSA

 

(I'm sorry if I posted this in the wrong forum)

 

I'm finally admitting the abuse to myself I think. It's really hard because I still doubt myself. I doubt my memories, their accuracy. I've lived my whole life into adulthood denying and suppressing these horrible memories of what my dad would do to me. It's so difficult and painful and confusing. I was raped as an adult but, for some reason it's been easier for me to accept and not deny because the memories are much clearer.

I've suffered with terrible anxiety, depression, anorexia and substance abuse since I was 14. I'm in my early 30s now.

I'm sober today, yet I feel like a child emotionally. 

 

I have a therapist, who is a man, and it's been really helpful to have a stable and healthy male figure in my life who I have been able to trust. I don't think I could be managing without his support.

 

But I think having a support net outside of therapy would be really helpful, which is why I'm posting here. I feel so much guilt and shame and self-hatred. My hope is I can heal and have some self-worth.

 

I still have contact with a man who has abused me in the past. It's hard for me to choose healthy people and things for myself because I don't have any self-worth right now. 

I do have contact with my father because when I told my family what happened they didn't believe me and stopped talking to me. They said the only reason they would talk to me is if I apologized and basically took back what I said, so I did that because the pain of losing my sisters was too painful.

 

Edited by Hopeful12
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Hello Hopeful12 :hi:

Welcome to After Silence!!!  I'm sorry for what brought you here but I'm glad you found the site and I hope it will provide you with the kind of extra support outside of therapy that you are seeking.

That's awful that your family demanded that you basically deny the truth in order to maintain relations with them.  That must feel very unfair and like a betrayal that they would not believe you and support you when you told them the truth about what your father really did.

Again, I hope you will find kind and compassionate support here from the members of AS and that it will feel like we are walking beside you on your healing journey every step of the way!

ActivistAlly

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Hi @Hopeful12

Welcome to AS. I'm sorry for the trauma you have experienced, but I'm glad you found the site and decided to join. This is a kind and caring community and we are all here to help each other heal. Sometimes talking with other survivors can help you feel less alone. Healing is hard and takes a long time, but it is possible. You are welcome to post on the forums whenever you feel comfortable. Just reading posts is fine too. 

Please know that I believe you. Wishing you all the best. 

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