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Next Step in My Journey (Hello)

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Hi everyone, thanks a lot for having me.

I have been working really hard lately to heal from an experience that happened to me as a child, a decade ago. I struggled immensely with my mental and physical health because of it and spent a lot of time depressed/severely dissociating through my school years. My memory from that time is super foggy and unclear, and I had shoved everything I remembered about that time so deep down that I thought I had moved past it-- that is, until my first serious relationship in college turned physical and I started reacting in ways that I didn't understand. Even though my girlfriend was very patient with me, I was constantly gripped by paralyzing fear at the mere thought of sex and I sank into a deep depression. I couldn't even explain what was happening to me, because any time I tried to speak it was like my heart stopped and my mouth disconnected from my brain. After having a huge panic attack on our second anniversary, I admitted to myself that whatever happened in my past was still stuck in me like a thorn in my heart and I started seeing a therapist. Unfortunately it was too late to save the relationship, but it started me on a path to healing that I am still dutifully walking three years later. 

I've since switched therapists twice and finally found one I am very happy with. As part of my plan for healing, I am trying to learn to coexist with the memories of my trauma and learn to talk about them. I've managed to start talking in therapy, but I thought it would be helpful if I could practice outside of therapy too, among people who would understand. Mostly what stops me is the immense shame involved, but I'm so tired of feeling so alone in this journey. I look forward to participating here and reading everyone else's stories as well. Thanks ❤️

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Hello @forestwhelk and welcome to After Silence! :flowers: I go by Wanna. 

I am sincerely sorry about your trauma and ongoing pain. Getting therapy is a huge milestone, and I am happy you've found a good T.

Trauma tends to stay until we actively deal with it. Time can give us distance, but healing begins when we start to process. Healing can feel like we're stuck in a loop, but really the journey includes ups and downs. Having a community can ease those bumps a bit. This is a safe place for you, where you decide the pace, and how much you'd like to share. Our members are kind and create a warm atmosphere. After Silence is there for the good, bad and anything in between. You are not alone! 

Please let me know if I can help you out, I am just one DM away :notalone:Do not hesitate with questions, or if you would need some support/venting. 

All best! 

W ☀️

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Hi @forestwhelk

Welcome to AS. I'm sorry for the trauma you have experienced, but I'm glad that you found the site and decided to join. This is a wonderful community filled with so many kind and caring people. We are all here to help each other heal. Sometimes talking with other survivors can help you to feel less alone. Take your time looking around the site and then feel free to post whenever you feel comfortable. Just reading posts is okay too. I hope you end up finding this site to be as helpful as I do. 

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Hi forestwhelk and welcome.

I am so sorry for what you've been thru and the struggles you are facing. I think many of us ignore or deny that what we've been thru is more than those moments that passed. We do struggle long after, even if we don't understand why. Processing the trauma, especially those that happened when we are children, are very difficult. Our minds were not equipped to understand what was happening and why. Without doubt tho, what we've been thru is wrong and destructive. You did not deserve this. 

I am glad you found a therapist that you feel more in sync with. You've also joined a community that will understand, support and validate what you have been thru. You are not alone. Feel free to look about and interact where you feel the most comfortable. Be assured that you are not alone. 

Wishing you well on this path we call healing.



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