58 years old and suddenly dealing with all this

[jrludy]

Good Sunday morning everyone!

Like the title says, I am 58 and suddenly dealing with things. I was sexually molested from the time I was 8 until I was 12, by four different people, all them teenage boys several years older than me. Some of it was extremely horrific, I've been told, though it is still hard for me to grasp the horror of it all.

I was recently diagnosed with CPTSD, which manifested itself with anxiety attacks, flashbacks and hallucinatory flashbacks. WIth meds and therapy, though, it has become manageable.

Anyway, I am not sure what else to say. I don't trust men and don't bond hardly at all with them. Friendships are nearly impossible for me to navigate and cause a lot of anxiety.

Well I've probably said too much.

Thanks for being here.

Oh yeah, the profile pic...I am a HUGE fan, and one of the highlights of my life was the practically front row seats my wife bought us to see them in Nashville this past October. Be careful asking me about them, I can talk for hours!🙂

Edited December 19, 2021 by jrludy
Added explanation of profile pic

[Finchy]

Hello and welcome to AS, @jrludy! I'm glad you found your way here. I'm so sorry though for what you've been through. That is horrible. You didn't deserve any of that abuse. And it's ok to maybe not be able to grasp the gravity of what happened to you. Everyone is different, and we all handle trauma in different ways. It sounds like you've experienced some really crappy symptoms of CPTSD, but it's wonderful that you've worked on your healing and are doing better. I hope that you being here on AS will further help with your healing process. You're not alone!  

That's cool you got to see the Rolling Stones so up close like that! I don't know much about them (that is, I don't listen to their music), but that is VERY cool! 

Best wishes to you. Take your time exploring the site, and feel free to reach out when you need to.

-Finch

[MeBeMary]

Hi jrludy and welcome to our community.

I am very sorry for all you've been thru and the struggles you face. It is unfair and undeserved for anyone to hurt another like this. You are not alone. This community is filled with supportive and understanding members. We are glad to have you.

Making connections can always be difficult but do know this is a safe community to interact with other survivors. Feel free to look around and interact at a pace comfortable for you. I wish you well on this continuing journey we call healing.

Mary

 

BTW...being in my 50s also, I can appreciate the Stones. It's amazing how they just keep on going. The best groups tend to have that longevity. Rock on! 🤘

[missfrier]

Dear  jrludy

 

Welcome to After Silence.  I am sorry to hear of the trauma you have been through!

 

Being here has helped me so much.   Everyone is so caring and supportive here.  I am proud of you for reaching out.  I know that is hard to do.  I also know that you will find that needed compassion and support here within our community.  Know we are here for you and we will listen whenever you would like to lean on us.    

 

Take care and please do not hesitate to ask for any help if you ever need it.  

[8888]

Welcome @jrludy to After Silence.  I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support.  Good job taking this step in your healing process.  You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault.  Take your time exploring and post when you are ready.  If you have any questions feel free to message me. 

[Mic]

On 12/19/2021 at 7:57 AM, jrludy said:

Good Sunday morning everyone!

Like the title says, I am 58 and suddenly dealing with things. I was sexually molested from the time I was 8 until I was 12, by four different people, all them teenage boys several years older than me. Some of it was extremely horrific, I've been told, though it is still hard for me to grasp the horror of it all.

I was recently diagnosed with CPTSD, which manifested itself with anxiety attacks, flashbacks and hallucinatory flashbacks. WIth meds and therapy, though, it has become manageable.

Anyway, I am not sure what else to say. I don't trust men and don't bond hardly at all with them. Friendships are nearly impossible for me to navigate and cause a lot of anxiety.

Well I've probably said too much.

Thanks for being here.

Oh yeah, the profile pic...I am a HUGE fan, and one of the highlights of my life was the practically front row seats my wife bought us to see them in Nashville this past October. Be careful asking me about them, I can talk for hours!🙂

I am just turning 50 and was also just diagnosed (last week) with CPTSD…my poor wife has been dealing with my mood swings, anger and dissociation(due to flashbacks) sleepless nights due to nightmares and panic attacks  for the better part of two years now…I finally accepted a psychiatrist appointment last week to see if meds can help the symptoms so I can get back on track with processing my abuse with my therapist…I’ve recently just shut down, everything seems pointless lately. I’m glad meds/therapy seem to be helping you, it’s a glimmer of hope to me to read that. friendships are tricky when you can’t trust anyone, I get that too. I feel so alone even surrounded by family and friends who “love  me”…I contend they don’t really know me. Thanks for posting….the Stones are great btw.

[jrludy]

Well the meds quit working this past Sunday, and I ended up back in a psych unit for the second time in 30 days. It is astonishing to me how deep and profound the abuse impact is. At times I feel as if my life has no meaning, no purpose, no point...

[TatteredSunflower]

14 minutes ago, jrludy said:

Well the meds quit working this past Sunday, and I ended up back in a psych unit for the second time in 30 days. It is astonishing to me how deep and profound the abuse impact is. At times I feel as if my life has no meaning, no purpose, no point...

Hi. Yeah, I get that. Very much so. Sometimes I wonder if everything I thought was my personality is just another trauma symptom. This ish goes deep. But kudos to you for getting yourself back to the psych ward and getting help when your meds quit on you. That's huge. You could have waited days, weeks, years, or forever to try again -- but you didn't. You proactively got back there and got yourself sorted. Big praise on acting for your own health. That says a lot about your desire to get better and your motivation to make it happen. Here's hoping today has been a better day. 

💜

[Mic]

Damn, I’m sorry to hear about the meds, so frustrating. I hope you’re as good as can be in the psych ward, been there several times myself…hopefully you can use the quiet time and professionals at hand to you’re benefit. I know the feeling all too well right now that it’s all pointless…but maybe if everyone keeps telling us we’re wrong…Idk, trying a positive spin today…Take care of yourself.

[jrludy]

Back to work tomorrow. We'll see how it goes. I have friends who know the situation and will be there for me, if need be. So that will be some help. Otherwise I am a little nervous to be honest. Could use hugs, prayers, etc. right now. Thanks!

[Mic]

Here for whatever you need. Glad you’re out and well enough for work, that’s great that you have some support there. Ease back in if you can or maybe work will be a good 8 hours of distraction? Fingers crossed that the new meds help! Here if you need an ear.

3 minutes ago, jrludy said:

Back to work tomorrow. We'll see how it goes. I have friends who know the situation and will be there for me, if need be. So that will be some help. Otherwise I am a little nervous to be honest. Could use hugs, prayers, etc. right now. Thanks!