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Not Feeling Alone


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HI everyone! I am feel so blessed that a place such as this exists, because I really don't know where else I could go to not feel alone right now.

Until about a month ago, I had no idea that I myself could have been a victim of sexual abuse because I honestly don't have any visual memories. I am 34 years old, and I just thought I was born this way. And then about 2 months ago, I realized that I am on the autistic spectrum. That was a huge game changer for me because it explained so much of my life experience until now. But there were still some pieces missing.  And suddenly in the last few  weeks, I guess my subconscious decided I am ready to deal with this and suddenly the triggers and the body flashbacks started out of the blue. Not only was I so disturbed by what I have been experiencing, it is been hard for me to wrap my head the fact around that this is real, something did happen to be as a child.

Its so surreal....How could I live 34 years and not I have a clue that something happened to me until now? How can have these body memories and yet have no visual memories at all? My T did explain that all this is possible but this is truly a whole new journey for me that I didn't even know I was meant to go on. The combination of recently realizing I am autistic and now this, its been the most intense rollercoaster of my life. And I really can't share it with anyone in my life. I cannot deal with having to prove or justify what I know it is true. Our bodies cannot lie to us, but people who haven't experienced something like this, they cannot even begin to understand and that is why I am here.

I am here to heal, to grow, to learn, and to help where I can.

Much love to all the beautiful people here!

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Hello AlmondJoy and welcome. 

I am very sorry for what you went thru as a child and the struggles you face now. What happened was unfair and undeserved. You are not alone in this. You are accepted and supported here by a very understanding community. It's not easy realizing and accepting what had happened, but it is the start of a journey down a healing road. It takes time, but it is possible. 

Memory issues are very common. A child especially has a difficult time processing what had happened, that the mind decides to hide it, so we don't have to deal with it. I understand how confusing and surreal it feels. Many of us do. Sometimes it can take years or decades to remember. Sometimes one never fully remembers, but the signs or evidence is there. It is normal for an un-normal circumstances, so be gentle with yourself on "how long" it took you to get here. 

You will also find that we have others on the spectrum here, so in that aspect, you are not alone either. Take your time and get to know our community...interact where you feel comfortable and know we accept and welcome you. I wish you well as you begin this journey.

Mary

:notalone:  

 

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Welcome to AS, @AlmondJoy! I love your username, by the way...that is one of my favorite candy bars! I'm so glad you found your way here. 

I'm terribly sorry for what you've experienced as a child. It sounds like you've gone through a lot recently, what with the autism diagnosis as well as realizing what happened to you as a child. I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve what happened to you. Like Mary said, memory issues are fairly common among survivors, especially when the incident(s) happened when we were young. You're not alone in this. ❤️ 

Sending you strength and support! Take your time exploring the site, and I'm glad again you found us.

-Finch

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Welcome @AlmondJoy to After Silence.  I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support.  It's funny how the brain works.  I was abused as a young child (about 4 years old) but didn't remember until I was 16.  Also I'm autistic too.  Navigating this new realization and a new autism diagnosis sounds like a lot to handle.  I'm around if you ever want to talk.  I don't know too many autistic trauma survivors but would like to as I think it's made me healing process slightly different.  

 

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Hi, @AlmondJoy. Welcome to AS. It's the strangest thing, isn't it. It's taken me nearly 30 years to see it. I like how you put it, 'a whole new journey you didn't know you were even meant to go on.' And the 'intense rollercoaster'. Yes.

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Dear almondjoy

 

I am sorry for all that you have been through.   You have been so brave in reaching out to us, please know that this is never easy!   We are all here for you and we want to support you.  You're not alone in your healing journey and are always welcome to lean on us for extra support.  You can post as much or as little as you like.  We are here to support you in the way you need.  I have found this community to be very helpful.  Everyone is so understanding and non-judgmental and I am hoping you feel the same way once you've gotten to know us a little.   

 

All my best,

missfrier

 

 

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Hi, @AlmondJoy - 

Welcome to After Silence! I'm glad you found this community and I hope we can help you to feel less alone. 

I also went a long time before discovering that I had been assaulted as a child. I didn't know it was abuse until my T told me that it was. It can be really scary having such a big realization after so many years and I'm sure it's somewhat frustrating not having any visual memories. This is not totally uncommon though, and you are not alone. 

I hope you're finding your way around the community okay. If you need anything, don't hesitate to send me a message! 

Best wishes,
Poppy

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