Just need to talk it out....

[Dee12]

I am in my upper 40s and have only really come to the realization that I am a victim survivor.  It began when I was 13 and, lucky for me, I was able to stop it at 15 before it went beyond fondling.  Because of that, I didn't see myself as a victim although it clearly impacted my life.  It was during a training for work a couple of years ago that it came out.  It was a sexual abuse training that discussed almost exactly what I went through.  I couldn't take it and had to leave the training.  It was after that time that I was able to tell my husband and a couple of close friends what happened.  I was also already seeing a therapist, and made an immediate appointment.  Since then, I almost feel like my life is in turmoil at times and better at other times.  I am seeing how my trauma related to so many of my choices in life.  Every so often something will trigger me and I find myself pulling away again.  I don't want to live like this anymore.  I want to get this out and talk about it.  I don't feel like my therapist is really assisting me in anything more than assuring me that my feelings are normal.  I can't talk to my husband because that means that I have to talk bad about my dad, whom I do love.  I don't hate him for what he did to me.  He was very young when I was born and he made mistakes.  I forgive him per se.  I just need to let it out.  Tell my story, I guess.  I may have forgiven him, but my anger and hatred of what happened is still very raw.  I dread talking about this or going to additional services because I feel like people will think bad of me, not because of what happened, but because it's not as bad as what so many had gone through.  I thought the same thing for many years and buried it as deep as I could.  I no longer fight my triggers and try to push my it away but allow myself to feel these emotions.  It's been a rough couple of years.  My almost weekly visits to my parents' home has been less than maybe 6 times in these past 2 years.  I am distancing myself to heal and that has gotten easier for me.    Anyway, I think I just needed to express some of this.

[Minty]

Hi Dee12,

I never saw myself as a victim, but just realized what I went through was abuse as well. 

I found these great journaling prompts that helped me to start writing about what happened. Maybe this can help you in some way 

https://psychcentral.com/pro/recovery-expert/2017/04/writing-prompts-for-recovery-from-an-abusivetoxic-relationship#1

I am sending healing thoughts to you. 

You are not alone! 

[Dee12]

Thanks Minty.  I love the journaling prompt idea.  I will definitely do that.

[Capulet]

Welcome to After Silence, @Dee12!  I love that cross-out of the word 'victim.'  Congratulations on recognizing yourself as a survivor - that's an incredibly difficult first step to take toward the rest of your healing journey.  

I can definitely relate to trauma impacting many of my life's choices.  It has taken a lot of time and patience but eventually I hope you will see that the choices you've made were likely the ones that would provide you the most protection from harm.  No need to ever be ashamed of that.  

Anyway - I am sending lots of healing vibes your way.  Please don't hesitate to give me a shout if you need help with anything.  

Best wishes,

Capulet

[Poppy_]

Hi, @Dee12 - 

Welcome to After Silence! I'm sorry to hear of the trauma you went through. And I know you feel that yours "wasn't as bad" as other people, but that doesn't matter. There's no scale to measure who has the worst trauma. What happened to you is just as important as what anyone else has gone through. Your feelings are valid and your story is important. 

I also saw that you mentioned wanting to share your story... I wanted to tell you that we do have a Share Your Story forum that will unlock for you once you reach 10 posts on your account. These can be posts you create or comments on other posts! It's a safe place to let out everything you're comfortable sharing. 

If you need any help or have questions, I'm just a quick message away! Again, welcome   

Sending love and light,
Poppy

[Finchy]

Welcome to AS, @Dee12!  I'm glad you found your way here. We're a really supportive bunch.

I'm so sorry for the trauma you've experienced. You were a child and did not deserve that.  Like you, I've only recently come to the realization that I'm a survivor...and also, I've struggled with comparing my trauma with others, feeling like it's "not as bad." But we really shouldn't do that. There isn't an award for "worst trauma," and we are all equal as survivors. Regardless of what we went through, it was horrible and undeserving. It has affected us all in different ways, but it has affected us nonetheless. I hope you find AS to be helpful. Sending you lots of support and healing thoughts! ❤️ 

-Finch

[Dee12]

Thanks everyone.  I know just being able to really talk about it is going to help me tremendously.  I appreciate all of the support.

[missfrier]

Dear dee12

 

I am sorry for all that you have been through.   You have been so brave in reaching out to us, please know that this is never easy!   We are all here for you and we want to support you.  You're not alone in your healing journey and are always welcome to lean on us for extra support.  You can post as much or as little as you like.  We are here to support you in the way you need.  I have found this community to be very helpful.  Everyone is so understanding and non-judgmental and I am hoping you feel the same way once you've gotten to know us a little.   

 

All my best,

missfrier

 

 

[8888]

Welcome @Dee12 to After Silence.  I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support.  Good job taking this step in your healing process.  You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault.  Take your time exploring and post when you are ready.  If you have any questions feel free to message me. 

[MeBeMary]

On 2/22/2021 at 10:52 AM, Dee12 said:

I am in my upper 40s and have only really come to the realization that I am a victim survivor.  It began when I was 13 and, lucky for me, I was able to stop it at 15 before it went beyond fondling.  Because of that, I didn't see myself as a victim although it clearly impacted my life.  It was during a training for work a couple of years ago that it came out.  It was a sexual abuse training that discussed almost exactly what I went through.  I couldn't take it and had to leave the training.  It was after that time that I was able to tell my husband and a couple of close friends what happened.  I was also already seeing a therapist, and made an immediate appointment.  Since then, I almost feel like my life is in turmoil at times and better at other times.  I am seeing how my trauma related to so many of my choices in life.  Every so often something will trigger me and I find myself pulling away again.  I don't want to live like this anymore.  I want to get this out and talk about it.  I don't feel like my therapist is really assisting me in anything more than assuring me that my feelings are normal.  I can't talk to my husband because that means that I have to talk bad about my dad, whom I do love.  I don't hate him for what he did to me.  He was very young when I was born and he made mistakes.  I forgive him per se.  I just need to let it out.  Tell my story, I guess.  I may have forgiven him, but my anger and hatred of what happened is still very raw.  I dread talking about this or going to additional services because I feel like people will think bad of me, not because of what happened, but because it's not as bad as what so many had gone through.  I thought the same thing for many years and buried it as deep as I could.  I no longer fight my triggers and try to push my it away but allow myself to feel these emotions.  It's been a rough couple of years.  My almost weekly visits to my parents' home has been less than maybe 6 times in these past 2 years.  I am distancing myself to heal and that has gotten easier for me.    Anyway, I think I just needed to express some of this.

Hi there, Dee.

Welcome to our community. I am very sorry for what happened in your early teens, but as you see, you will find tons of support here. As it is mentioned above, trauma is trauma, so we try not to compare. There are unfortunately too many ways to be hurt, but in the end, there is hurt...and there is the need to heal from the struggles and the memories. You deserve the same healing as everyone else here and are fully validated. 

You mention your T not fully assisting you with your trauma struggles...it may be that she does not specialize in csa and doesn't fully know how to help. If this is the case, perhaps thinking about a change to a T that specializes. Of course, this is your choice, just something to consider?

Your struggles do seem normal, for these un-normal circumstances, but facing what happen and being supported will hopefully make more better days, than bad. I am glad you reached out. I also wish you many steps forward as you continue your journey down this path we call healing.

Mary

 

[WannaMoveOn]

Hello @Dee12 and welcome to After Silence, I am Wanna

This is a safe place to share whatever you'd like. We fully believe you, and only you own your story. I understand that you have been through a lot, and I am sincerely sorry for all that trauma and pain. You are being very strong for reaching out, that is very important to do. 

I was relieved to read that you've gotten into professional help, which I advice every survivor to do. However, if you feel like that a certain method or counselor doesn't fulfill your needs, it is perfectly fine to share that with them. If you still feel that the treatment is lacking, there are many different ways of professional guidance that might not only suit specifics trauma better but also you as a person. 

If you feel like that you've been swinging between high life and lowlife, I can personally relate. It is indeed normal, but also a signal that something is still burdening you; Requiring the best of your energy at some periods and suddenly leaving you be in other times. You can DM me if you'd like a chat about that. 

I encourage you to forgive if it helps you moving on, but it is not your duty to make somebody sound good if they've hurt you, even if they've changed. You have the right to talk to your husband about what is going on in your life. 

I hope you'll find what you need here, After Silence carries kind members who form a wonderful support system. I am so glad you chose us! 

Once again, welcome!

- Wanna ☀️