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Hi,

My name is pretty long to type so please just call me JJJ. I am 35 years old, female and have been married for coming up to 3 years.

 

I was sexually groomed and assaulted when I was 15 - it happened abroad. It did not progress to sex since I refused to go along with the man who was abusing me.

I was sexually assaulted again by an elderly client in his own home. I was his social worker. The first time he did it he apologised and so I let it go but he did it a second time and I had to report him. I felt like my care agency blamed me for it. I just didn't feel too good after what they said.

I was sexually groomed and abused by a man at work, this is ongoing since we both work in the same building and we haven't seen each other for coming up to a year (due to lockdown we are working remotely)

I am to undergo counselling for depression and I have been referred to rape and trauma services in my local area for support. I am also taking Mirtazapine to help with insomnia - it has since been increased because my appetite has decreased significantly and I have lost a fair bit of weight. :(

Anyway, glad to be here.

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Dear jjjj

I'd like to welcome you to After Silence! 

I am sorry for what has brought you here, but I am glad you have   found us. It has really helped me to be here and I do not feel as if I am alone.  Everyone is so supportive!  Well done for reaching out to us.  I am sure that was difficult.  Please know that you can say as  much or as little as you want to.  You will never be alone in this journey...we are all behind you!

You will soon receive an official welcome message in your inbox.  Please don't hesitate to respond to that PM if you have any questions.  We are here to help!

Take care - I am sending safe hugs!!! :hug:

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9 minutes ago, missfrier said:

Dear jjjj

I'd like to welcome you to After Silence! 

I am sorry for what has brought you here, but I am glad you have   found us. It has really helped me to be here and I do not feel as if I am alone.  Everyone is so supportive!  Well done for reaching out to us.  I am sure that was difficult.  Please know that you can say as  much or as little as you want to.  You will never be alone in this journey...we are all behind you!

You will soon receive an official welcome message in your inbox.  Please don't hesitate to respond to that PM if you have any questions.  We are here to help!

Take care - I am sending safe hugs!!! :hug:

Hi missfrier, thanks so much for the warm welcome! Hugs back to you xx

I have been wanting to reach out to as many support networks as possible, just to get my head around this man's behaviour at work. At first I thought, does he like me? But when he'd been asking my friends questions about where I worked in the building, my name, the hours I work, who my manager was, where I lived...it then started to sound dodgy.

It's not the fact he potentially likes me that bothers me. I don't mind people liking me, be them man or woman - but it's the nature of the questions he's been asking my friends if not for the strange ways he conducts himself around me that are making me uncomfortable - staring, licking his lips at me, suggesting he and I meet up and have sex, scanning me from top to toe, making comments to my guy friends about how "****able I am"...

I could go on. But I don't find myself very pretty, blimey, boys at school thought I was the ugliest thing on the planet - and this guy finds bikini-clad and lingerie-clad female models in his calendar attractive. I don't look anywhere near as good as them!

I hate having to make anyone I care about get into trouble - and I do care about him (in a friendly way and because I am usually nice to everyone). He told me he lives alone (I didn't ask him) and I thought it was a shame for someone so outgoing and friendly to be that way. He's only 2/3 years older than me.

Thanks again and take care,

JJJ xxx

 

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Hi, @Jazzyjojo and welcome to After Silence!!!  I'm sorry to hear of the traumatic events that have led you to us, but do hope you'll get plenty of feedback and support from our members.  Many understand where you are coming from and this community is amazing.  (I'm not biased, I promise! 😉)  

So, I feel that your co-worker's behavior is very disturbing.  Based on what you've shared about him, I'm getting predatory/stalkery vibes - even if he is not acting on this behavior, there are many red flags out there that I'm glad you're not ignoring.  Given your career as a social worker, I imagine those red flags are a bit too difficult to dismiss.  This is clearly a case of sexual harassment, and although you don't want to get him in trouble, it's still unacceptable behavior and I'm hoping you'll protect yourself by letting HR know about it.   

I know it's a hard choice to consider making....but know that regardless of what you choose, you have support and validation, here.  Please try to keep yourself safe.  That's most important! :) 

By the way, I'll have my social work degree in May!  

Again - welcome.

Best wishes,
Capulet

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5 hours ago, Capulet said:

Hi, @Jazzyjojo and welcome to After Silence!!!  I'm sorry to hear of the traumatic events that have led you to us, but do hope you'll get plenty of feedback and support from our members.  Many understand where you are coming from and this community is amazing.  (I'm not biased, I promise! 😉)  

So, I feel that your co-worker's behavior is very disturbing.  Based on what you've shared about him, I'm getting predatory/stalkery vibes - even if he is not acting on this behavior, there are many red flags out there that I'm glad you're not ignoring.  Given your career as a social worker, I imagine those red flags are a bit too difficult to dismiss.  This is clearly a case of sexual harassment, and although you don't want to get him in trouble, it's still unacceptable behavior and I'm hoping you'll protect yourself by letting HR know about it.   

I know it's a hard choice to consider making....but know that regardless of what you choose, you have support and validation, here.  Please try to keep yourself safe.  That's most important! :) 

By the way, I'll have my social work degree in May!  

Again - welcome.

Best wishes,
Capulet

Hi there Capulet, thank you for the warm welcome. 

Yes it’s very difficult. I care about the guy as a friend because he took me off to chat to me during a period I needed comfort - unfortunately he overstepped boundaries with me by squishing his body right into mine and I was almost on his lap!

I do like to think his heart is in the right place and I’m guessing I’m kind of naive too, but when I put all his other past actions together...I can’t see his behaviour as anything innocuous.

I loved working as a social worker because I just love to help people. But my physical illnesses impaired my judgement and thinking and so I resigned from the industry to do office work - where I met that guy.

Congratulations on your social work degree when you get it!! 👍 

JJJ xxx

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Hi JJJ,

Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry for what you've been thru and your current situation. I agree with Capulet above, your co-worker's behavior in not right and shouldn't be tolerate. Tho we don't tell member s what to do, I am with Capulet and strongly encourage you to report it. It is just that situations like this, then tend to escalate, not reduce and you should feel safe and comfortable in your workplace.

I much respect what you do and know it's not an easy job, but I do hope you find a certain joy in helping others...of course with the exceptions like the client you mention and this co-worker.

I am very glad you found our site and decided to reach out. Know you are not alone. This community is filled with understanding and supportive members. Feel free to look around. I also wish you the best on the path we call healing.

Mary

:supportu:

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1 minute ago, MeBeMary said:

Hi JJJ,

Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry for what you've been thru and your current situation. I agree with Capulet above, your co-worker's behavior in not right and shouldn't be tolerate. Tho we don't tell member s what to do, I am with Capulet and strongly encourage you to report it. It is just that situations like this, then tend to escalate, not reduce and you should feel safe and comfortable in your workplace.

I much respect what you do and know it's not an easy job, but I do hope you find a certain joy in helping others...of course with the exceptions like the client you mention and this co-worker.

I am very glad you found our site and decided to reach out. Know you are not alone. This community is filled with understanding and supportive members. Feel free to look around. I also wish you the best on the path we call healing.

Mary

:supportu:

Hi there Mary and thank you for your kind words.

It has been hard for me to accept in the past - I don’t have much in the way of life skills and i didn’t meet my now-husband through flirting...so I find men acting like the way this guy is as strange.

i think I will report him.

JJJ xxx

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It is strange, I agree. Keep us posted and hoping you find relief from his inappropriateness...before you go back into the office.

Sending hugs, if ok. :hug:

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9 hours ago, Jazzyjojo said:

Hi,

My name is pretty long to type so please just call me JJJ. I am 35 years old, female and have been married for coming up to 3 years.

 

I was sexually groomed and assaulted when I was 15 - it happened abroad. It did not progress to sex since I refused to go along with the man who was abusing me.

I was sexually assaulted again by an elderly client in his own home. I was his social worker. The first time he did it he apologised and so I let it go but he did it a second time and I had to report him. I felt like my care agency blamed me for it. I just didn't feel too good after what they said.

I was sexually groomed and abused by a man at work, this is ongoing since we both work in the same building and we haven't seen each other for coming up to a year (due to lockdown we are working remotely)

I am to undergo counselling for depression and I have been referred to rape and trauma services in my local area for support. I am also taking Mirtazapine to help with insomnia - it has since been increased because my appetite has decreased significantly and I have lost a fair bit of weight. :(

Anyway, glad to be here.

Welcome, JJJ! I'm glad you found us. :aswelcomesu: 

I'm sorry about all you've been through and continue to deal with. It's not right at all. I really hope that reporting your co-worker will stop his behavior. You don't deserve it, nor did you deserve what you went through when you were younger. You will find a lot of kind and supportive people here. ❤️ I hope that counseling will prove helpful and your appetite will increase. Take care of yourself. Best wishes!

-finch

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Dear JJJ,

Welcome to After Silence.

I'm sorry that you had so many painful experiences, but I am glad you found us.  

We are a kind and supportive community full of people who understand - all of it.  Take your time looking around our forums and post whenever you would like.

Wishing you comfort and healing,

Gold Raindrops

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8 hours ago, mini.finch said:

Welcome, JJJ! I'm glad you found us. :aswelcomesu: 

I'm sorry about all you've been through and continue to deal with. It's not right at all. I really hope that reporting your co-worker will stop his behavior. You don't deserve it, nor did you deserve what you went through when you were younger. You will find a lot of kind and supportive people here. ❤️ I hope that counseling will prove helpful and your appetite will increase. Take care of yourself. Best wishes!

-finch

Thank you Finch. :)

Yes, we have an external reporting system I can use. I am off sick with depression - not just from this but also from family problems and my husband and I actually considered starting divorce proceedings going back a month ago because he felt that I would actually leave him for this person.

But this person socially drinks, is into sports, is very blunt at times and swears a lot. He holds very biased opinions on LGBT issues/rights and I have heard him talk about the friends we're friends with behind their backs. I don't think that's the sort of person I want to be with, if I were single or not!

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2 hours ago, goldraindrops said:

Dear JJJ,

Welcome to After Silence.

I'm sorry that you had so many painful experiences, but I am glad you found us.  

We are a kind and supportive community full of people who understand - all of it.  Take your time looking around our forums and post whenever you would like.

Wishing you comfort and healing,

Gold Raindrops

Thank you Gold Raindrops! :)xx

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@Jazzyjojo Welcome to After Silence, I am Wanna :flowers:

I am sincerely sorry about your trauma, how it has effected you personally and professionally. None of what happened is on you, whatever your superiors or anyone says. This is a safe place, where you can receive support, advice and a chance to connect with others with similar experiences. We tend to relate to each other one way or another here on After Silence. 

I am happy for your courage to seek help, you shouldn't be in this alone. Feel free to have a look around, and once you are ready, you can share anything you'd like. I wish you the very best on your healing. I hope this community will make your day easier.  :notalone:

Take good care, and once again - welcome! 

- Wanna ☀️

 

 

 

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Welcome @Jazzyjojo to After Silence.  I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support.  Good job taking this step in your healing process.  You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault.  Take your time exploring and post when you are ready.  If you have any questions feel free to message me. 

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On ‎2‎/‎2‎/‎2021 at 7:36 PM, WannaMoveOn said:

@Jazzyjojo Welcome to After Silence, I am Wanna :flowers:

I am sincerely sorry about your trauma, how it has effected you personally and professionally. None of what happened is on you, whatever your superiors or anyone says. This is a safe place, where you can receive support, advice and a chance to connect with others with similar experiences. We tend to relate to each other one way or another here on After Silence. 

I am happy for your courage to seek help, you shouldn't be in this alone. Feel free to have a look around, and once you are ready, you can share anything you'd like. I wish you the very best on your healing. I hope this community will make your day easier.  :notalone:

Take good care, and once again - welcome! 

- Wanna ☀️

Hi Wanna, thank you - I love your name by the way :)

Yeah my thoughts are just going round and round at the moment...my sleep was very broken this morning and as of today I've returned to work.

I've had my mirtazapine increased from 15mg to 30mg  but it knocks me out so quickly! I am due my first lot of counselling the end of March but I didn't want to keep waiting until then to go back to work. I'd be taking unpaid leave and I would feel like a pest to my employer.

In amidst of my broken sleep this morning I am slowly coming to the conclusion that one of my friends - or should I say one of my so-called friends - has been sending this man photos of me via Facebook. I can't prove it, but I recall telling this friend that my mum and stepdad had gone away and a few days later my mum and stepdad were talking to this person about where they'd gone and how they were.

I got very close with this person since she was friends with my mum and it just made sense to have this rapport with her. We were very good work buddies too, but I left about a month or two before she did for a new job within the building.

The only thing is, I don't know why she would want to be complicit with this guy. I understand that both the guy and her are friends on Facebook, even since after she changed jobs within the building and there was no hostility between me and her.

What I have also learned is that she knows where I've moved to as I told her and she said that she also lives up this way. I told her what car I drive, only because she asked me if I drive and I said I do, only that the car was off road due to me being unable to afford to tax and insure it (I can now, of course, since I work). She said her sister has the same car as me.

I have made an incident log because of the stuff that's been going on. Mostly the recent stuff that I am able to recall, however. 
A few days after Boxing Day just gone, my husband and I went up to our local shop and I saw this guy drive out of the car park. Same car, same vehicle reg. There were bigger shops nearer to him and he once said he always shops at the ones nearer to him and he does not have any other friends or family around this way.

I don't know why, but I thought I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and that I was really misconstruing things, so I sent him a message on Facebook to say that I applied for the role with his department. I applied to work with him simply because it would confirm to me, once and for all, that he would show his true colours to me if we were alone again and that he's actually not the nice person I thought he was when he was helping me and being all nicey-nicey. I mentioned to him in my initial message that I was actively seeking work in and out of the building - something he didn't want me to do - I can't think why but he reiterated to me about 2 or 3 times in passing that he wanted me to stay within the business and not to go for phone work...which I now do. If I am due to start an early shift, he turns up a few minutes after I arrive. If I am working a later shift, he will stay on with me through Skype. I have no concrete video or written evidence, and I wish in hindsight that had I have known he'd behave towards me the way he did when he took me off that morning I would've filmed it.

Exactly a month after I was signed off sick, I have noticed this guy's car circling around my road at the same time each day and I am being led to believe that I've given him the impression that I've left the company and he is stepping up his tactics. He would know my address if he looked it up on the company's database, which he has full access to. He would just need to enter my previous company code and my name - then my details would appear. I have holdings with my previous company and that'd be why my details would be there.

He threatened me not to leave the building...but didn't say why he didn't want me to go. I still don't know why he said any of this and I thought to myself "well, what'd he do if I did? Come after me?" OMG I wish I didn't treat it as such a joke as I did back then, because I believe this is what's happening right now and that it should now be a police matter.

 

Quote

 

 

 

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On ‎2‎/‎4‎/‎2021 at 10:42 PM, 8888 said:

Welcome @Jazzyjojo to After Silence.  I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support.  Good job taking this step in your healing process.  You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault.  Take your time exploring and post when you are ready.  If you have any questions feel free to message me. 

Hi 8888 and thank you.

I don't understand this guy's problem. Every time I'm due to sign in to start my shift he turns up mere minutes after - and when I stay on for the later shifts he too stays on with me through Skype. It's just freaky.

I like him personally and I would like to think that he simply just likes me, just that it seems to be more obsessive. I spoke to other people and they say to me "he finds you attractive", "he likes you", "why don't you talk to the guy and go on a date?" If anything were to happen between us, it'd be as friends - I don't want to break my wedding vows - but because of what's been going on, I get the feeling he wants more than that. He knows that I'm married, too. He is still single and has lived on his own since moving out of his mum's about 3/4 years ago (my friends told me this without me even asking).

It's gradually become a police matter now - not just from what he did to me 3/4 years ago at work but also because I've got reason to believe he's been asking a certain friend of mine to send him photos of me as a child and to get some idea of my whereabouts. This friend knows what car I own, roughly where I live and who my family members are (since she is friends of my mum's.) What I don't understand, though, is what would make my friend complicit with him. She too, knows I'm married and we were really good work buddies. It doesn't make sense.

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7 hours ago, Jazzyjojo said:

Hi 8888 and thank you.

I don't understand this guy's problem. Every time I'm due to sign in to start my shift he turns up mere minutes after - and when I stay on for the later shifts he too stays on with me through Skype. It's just freaky.

I like him personally and I would like to think that he simply just likes me, just that it seems to be more obsessive. I spoke to other people and they say to me "he finds you attractive", "he likes you", "why don't you talk to the guy and go on a date?" If anything were to happen between us, it'd be as friends - I don't want to break my wedding vows - but because of what's been going on, I get the feeling he wants more than that. He knows that I'm married, too. He is still single and has lived on his own since moving out of his mum's about 3/4 years ago (my friends told me this without me even asking).

It's gradually become a police matter now - not just from what he did to me 3/4 years ago at work but also because I've got reason to believe he's been asking a certain friend of mine to send him photos of me as a child and to get some idea of my whereabouts. This friend knows what car I own, roughly where I live and who my family members are (since she is friends of my mum's.) What I don't understand, though, is what would make my friend complicit with him. She too, knows I'm married and we were really good work buddies. It doesn't make sense.

That does sound obsessive to me.  I'm sorry to hear this is happening.  This is the public welcome forum so it's best not to get too into detail here but you can PM me anytime or start a separate thread in one of our private forums.  

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2 hours ago, 8888 said:

That does sound obsessive to me.  I'm sorry to hear this is happening.  This is the public welcome forum so it's best not to get too into detail here but you can PM me anytime or start a separate thread in one of our private forums.  

Thank you 8888. I am happy to drop a message to you. :)

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