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hi everyone! i'm in college and i'm really looking forward to getting tips and healing methods after abuse as well as hearing your stories. my first ever relationship ended up being a bunch of constant emotional & sexual abuse, and i left this person almost a full year ago but i'm still haunted by everything that occurred. i'm constantly thinking about it - even in conversations i'll end up zoning out and getting more and more anxious. 

my question is how do you guys try and distract yourself or get your abuser off your mind? it's really interfering with my focus and maintaining of friendships. i'm generally an extremely positive and extroverted person, but this has totally taken a toll on me. i'm super hopeful that this message board will be able to help! you all seem very knowledgeable and kind 🙂

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Hello @houndst00th and welcome to After Silence! I am Wanna :flowers:

I am sincerely sorry that somebody you've cared for would hurt you this way. We discuss all types of violence, even if the site's profile formally dedicates towards sexual and domestic violence. You can share as much or as little as you'd like. You own your story and we believe you. Please know that you have no guilt, nor shame in this. 

When somebody gets their toxicity into our system, we tend to not realize the consequences before we are out of the relationship. It takes time to process the memories, and often some assistance to understand what specifically hurt us.

Finding social occasions harder and struggling to distract oneself are two typical reactions. Change in personality trades, interfering in focus and being challenged to move past the relationship are common as well. Every experience is unique, but you are not alone in this! 

After Silence is a great way to get in touch with fellow survivors, our members form a wonderful support system. You can share, relate, get support, offer support, find advice and much more here!   :youcanheal:

I would say that a good distraction can be to do something, that is just for plain fun. Something that has no prestige in it, like watching a move, listen to music, take a walk, jam on an instrument. Something which only purpose is joy. 

Aside from having a community, I always recommend some professional counseling. Have you considered that? 

Once again, welcome! If you would need anything at all or have further questions - please know that us staff has doors open for you   :notalone:

- Wanna ☀️

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Hi @houndst00th

Welcome to AS. I'm sorry for the trauma you have experienced but I'm glad you found the site and decided to join. This is a wonderful community filled with kind and caring people. We are all here to support each other through the healing process. Talking and sharing with other survivors can be helpful and let you know that you are not alone. You are welcome to post and share on the site whenever you feel comfortable.

Healing is not easy, but it is possible. Part of healing is learning what "tools" are helpful to keep you grounded and make you feel safe. This can be taking time out for self care, journaling, mediation, etc. It is different for everyone. You will get to a point someday where you feel more in control. And in the meantime we will all be here to help get you through it.  

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Hi houndst00th,

Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry for the trauma you've endured and the struggles you still face. Nothing about what you've been thru is fair or was it deserved. You have found a very supportive site tho, with many understanding members. You are not alone.

I encourage you to look around and interact when and where you feel comfortable. There is no pressure, but it will show you how many know really do understand similar struggles that you do. Tho it is sad so many of us have been thru trauma, it is reassuring when you know others understand. You will find this a safe and healing place to be. I wish you many forward steps as you continue this journey we call healing.

Mary

:supportu: 

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Welcome @houndst00th to After Silence.  I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support.  Good job taking this step in your healing process.  You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault.  Distractions can be good to help in the moment, some other posters offered some good suggestions or anything that brings you joy really.  I would also recommend trying to process the trauma with a therapist as Wanna suggested.   As my therapist says therapy can help you put the trauma is a sort of mental filing cabinet where it can be accessed but isn't in the forefront of your mind all the time.  Take your time exploring here and post when you are ready.  If you have any questions feel free to message me. 

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Dear houndst00th
 
I am sorry for all that you have been through.   You have been so brave in reaching out to us, please know that this is never easy!   We are all here for you and we want to support you.  You're not alone in your healing journey and are always welcome to lean on us for extra support.  You can post as much or as little as you like.  We are here to support you in the way you need.  I have found this community to be very helpful.  Everyone is so understanding and non-judgmental and I am hoping you feel the same way once you've gotten to know us a little.   
 
All my best,
missfrier
 
 
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On 1/25/2021 at 4:28 PM, houndst00th said:

hi everyone! i'm in college and i'm really looking forward to getting tips and healing methods after abuse as well as hearing your stories. my first ever relationship ended up being a bunch of constant emotional & sexual abuse, and i left this person almost a full year ago but i'm still haunted by everything that occurred. i'm constantly thinking about it - even in conversations i'll end up zoning out and getting more and more anxious. 

my question is how do you guys try and distract yourself or get your abuser off your mind? it's really interfering with my focus and maintaining of friendships. i'm generally an extremely positive and extroverted person, but this has totally taken a toll on me. i'm super hopeful that this message board will be able to help! you all seem very knowledgeable and kind 🙂

I am sorry for all you have experienced.  How do you distract yourself?  There are a number of ways to distract yourself but the main thing is to acknowledge that it was abusive (which you have done).  The next thing is to work on staying in the present moment.  It may help to eat a piece of sour candy while you are in a conversation with someone.  The sourness of the candy can help you focus on the present moment. (I am sitting at my computer, FaceTiming with (fill in person here).   The sun is poking through though the clouds.  It is a nice day to talk to a friend at this time.   Something else that may help is eating ice.   It can be crushed ice, shaved ice, or ice cubes that have been in water.   The coldness of the ice can help in the same way.   I hope this helps.  

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