I don't know what to do

[Kaykaykay]

possible tw

Hey everyone! I'm very new here and I don't know exactly how this site works, either way I want to thank everyone upfront for taking the time to be here and help those who need help.

I am currently very confused regarding my situation and I don't know who to talk to, I'm googled everything but I always value answers from people more. I guess what I'm wandering is if what I'm experiencing is normal and what I can do about it.

I was sexually assaulted 2 and half months ago and it's just now hitting me very hard. I don't know if this is a common thing, but I know the first moth afterwards I was generally doing okay, and I was pretty good at pushing it out of my head. I can't push it out of my head anymore it's gotten very exhausting so I just let myself think about it. Which isn't much better because I get upset and cry.

Everything reminds of it, I trying to constantly do something to get my mind of things but then everything can remind me. If I watch a movie and they have sex it will remind me, I opened my closet to get dressed a few days ago, I saw the dress I was wearing that day and I had a full on breakdown.

It's very scary because I remember everything so vividly, every single detail. I can give a whole chronological rundown of everything that happened, which is scary, I don't usually remember details. But I can't get it out of my head.

I've also actually vomited from feeling so disgusting two times now, and I can't sleep or I have weird dreams that are kind of related to everything. 

I told my best friend, but I don't know how to talk to her because I don't want to upset her. Then on the other hand it feels dishonest to pretend everything is okay. 

It's been almost 3 months and I feel I should be feeling better by now, but I just feel worse. I'm usually pretty good at ignoring things until go away but this just isn't working so I don't know what to do.

I don't know why I'm writing this, I guess the truth is I need someone because I've never felt this lonely in my life. I hate admitting that, I liked how normal my life was and now this has heppened. 

Thanks for reading if you did. I appreciate it

 

[shein3]

Hi I am also brand new to this sight. I have been experiencing a lot of what you are describing and it sucks. For me its hard as well. I have been trying to push it down. I notice myself always looking over my back. I can barely look at myself in the mirror, I find myself with nightmares and have to force myself to stay awake because every time I close them it feels worse.

I am trying  to put a smile on my face but half the time I am close to having a panic attack.  Even when I am awake I can't forget it. I  have been assaulted many times but for some reason this one is just affecting me the most.  I just don't understand why this one in particular is the one that  I remember the most. The fact that Halloween was two days ago and my assault last year happend  during halloween makes it even worse. I don't know you obviously but I am stuck as well and I suck at asking for help. 

[MeBeMary]

Hi Kaykaykay,

Welcome to AfterSilence. I am so very sorry for what happened to you almost 3 months ago. It was unfair and undeserved. You have found a very supportive site with many understanding members. You are not alone.

It sounds like to me that you were in shock. It has taken this long for that numbness of it all to dissipate and you to feel the horror of it all. Assault is a traumatic experience and I wish I could say that it was easy to just get past. It takes time tho. It takes patience and perseverance. It is not something we survivors like, as we endured the trauma, but then the after affects come into play. As I said, it is very unfair.

I understand about your friend. We never like to upset those we love. Since you have told her, I would maybe test a little to see how much she actually may handle. She might be more willing to hear you and you don't even know it. It can be good to have someone in your corner, so just a thought.

This community is with you too. Take a look around and interact where you feel comfortable to. I wish you many forward steps on this journey of healing.

Mary

 

[missfrier]

17 hours ago, Kaykaykay said:

possible tw

Hey everyone! I'm very new here and I don't know exactly how this site works, either way I want to thank everyone upfront for taking the time to be here and help those who need help.

I am currently very confused regarding my situation and I don't know who to talk to, I'm googled everything but I always value answers from people more. I guess what I'm wandering is if what I'm experiencing is normal and what I can do about it.

I was sexually assaulted 2 and half months ago and it's just now hitting me very hard. I don't know if this is a common thing, but I know the first moth afterwards I was generally doing okay, and I was pretty good at pushing it out of my head. I can't push it out of my head anymore it's gotten very exhausting so I just let myself think about it. Which isn't much better because I get upset and cry.

Everything reminds of it, I trying to constantly do something to get my mind of things but then everything can remind me. If I watch a movie and they have sex it will remind me, I opened my closet to get dressed a few days ago, I saw the dress I was wearing that day and I had a full on breakdown.

It's very scary because I remember everything so vividly, every single detail. I can give a whole chronological rundown of everything that happened, which is scary, I don't usually remember details. But I can't get it out of my head.

I've also actually vomited from feeling so disgusting two times now, and I can't sleep or I have weird dreams that are kind of related to everything. 

I told my best friend, but I don't know how to talk to her because I don't want to upset her. Then on the other hand it feels dishonest to pretend everything is okay. 

It's been almost 3 months and I feel I should be feeling better by now, but I just feel worse. I'm usually pretty good at ignoring things until go away but this just isn't working so I don't know what to do.

I don't know why I'm writing this, I guess the truth is I need someone because I've never felt this lonely in my life. I hate admitting that, I liked how normal my life was and now this has heppened. 

Thanks for reading if you did. I appreciate it

 

Dear kaykaykay

 

I am sorry for all that you have been through.   You have been so brave in reaching out to us, please know that this is never easy!   We are all here for you and we want to support you.  You're not alone in your healing journey and are always welcome to lean on us for extra support.  You can post as much or as little as you like.  We are here to support you in the way you need.  I have found this community to be very helpful.  Everyone is so understanding and non-judgmental and I am hoping you feel the same way once you've gotten to know us a little.   

 

All my best,

missfrier

 

 

[8888]

Welcome @Kaykaykay to After Silence.  I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support.  Good job taking this step in your healing process.  You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault.  I tend to agree with MeBeMary that I think you were in shock.  I hope you will be around again now that our site maintenance is complete.  Take your time exploring here and post when you are ready.  If you have any questions feel free to message me. 

[Butterfly live]

On 11/2/2020 at 9:03 AM, Kaykaykay said:

possible tw

Hey everyone! I'm very new here and I don't know exactly how this site works, either way I want to thank everyone upfront for taking the time to be here and help those who need help.

I am currently very confused regarding my situation and I don't know who to talk to, I'm googled everything but I always value answers from people more. I guess what I'm wandering is if what I'm experiencing is normal and what I can do about it.

I was sexually assaulted 2 and half months ago and it's just now hitting me very hard. I don't know if this is a common thing, but I know the first moth afterwards I was generally doing okay, and I was pretty good at pushing it out of my head. I can't push it out of my head anymore it's gotten very exhausting so I just let myself think about it. Which isn't much better because I get upset and cry.

Everything reminds of it, I trying to constantly do something to get my mind of things but then everything can remind me. If I watch a movie and they have sex it will remind me, I opened my closet to get dressed a few days ago, I saw the dress I was wearing that day and I had a full on breakdown.

It's very scary because I remember everything so vividly, every single detail. I can give a whole chronological rundown of everything that happened, which is scary, I don't usually remember details. But I can't get it out of my head.

I've also actually vomited from feeling so disgusting two times now, and I can't sleep or I have weird dreams that are kind of related to everything. 

I told my best friend, but I don't know how to talk to her because I don't want to upset her. Then on the other hand it feels dishonest to pretend everything is okay. 

It's been almost 3 months and I feel I should be feeling better by now, but I just feel worse. I'm usually pretty good at ignoring things until go away but this just isn't working so I don't know what to do.

I don't know why I'm writing this, I guess the truth is I need someone because I've never felt this lonely in my life. I hate admitting that, I liked how normal my life was and now this has heppened. 

Thanks for reading if you did. I appreciate it

 

I am sorry so that this happened to you and you should really tell your best friend about it. Confide in her and your parents. You shouldn't never feel like you can't talk about it. We all need someone right. P.s I can remember every single detail about my sexual assault too. 

[BooksnCoffee]

On 11/2/2020 at 6:03 AM, Kaykaykay said:

I've never felt this lonely in my life

You don't have to be alone in this. I think this is the best part about this site is that we can talk about what happened to us and even if we don't share, there are others who understand. It can be very isolating at times and when all you want is to be "normal", it's very difficult. Three months is a very short time and there's no need to rush your healing process.

Writing things down gave me a sense of control and a way to make sense of things. Even if it's not coherent or just a list of things that come to mind, it may help. 

I don't want to call this experience "normal" because that's a terrible thing to go through but the body's response to trauma can be jarring and it's okay to feel what you feel.

I hope you find your safe space here.