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I’m happy to be here. I am just accepting that what had happened to me at 15 years old was not my fault. I’m 33 now, and I haven’t talked about this much because I didn’t quite understand what had really happened. I was 15. The young woman was 21 and her older brother was 24. It started with warm embraces. Signs of love. I’ve been grappling with this for years. I was in denial for many years. I never wanted to be a victim/survivor. As I got older, I felt extremely confused about what had happened. I felt something wasn’t right, but I continued to blame myself. ‘I allowed them to do it,’ I thought. ‘I’m just stupid,’ I thought. It has been a very rough weekend for me. 

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Hi JustCats,

Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry for what happened to you at 15. It was wrong and undeserved. I know the confusion and the doubt you must have felt. The thought "I allowed them to do it" is something many of us blame ourselves for. "Allowing" tho, is not what happened. Manipulation happened. Confusion happened. This by the hands of those that have hurt you. We tend to think abuse all plays out in a certain way, when in reality, there is no exact way. Then we question what happened and how. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Acknowledging it for the first time for what it was can be painful, but it can also be a very big step. One thing that I have found out myself is that denial impedes healing, even if you don't realize it. It is brave tho, to validate your own experience. It's that first step we hope will be of many we take forward. You do deserve healing and I wish you well as you continue down your path.


BTW...like your user name. :)


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Thank you :) I haven’t told my therapist, but I plan on opening up about it to her on Wednesday. I never knew how much this had affected me. I never understood why I felt so physically weak and small when I would think about them. I do feel a sense of relief now after posting that. 

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Dear justcats

Welcome to After Silence!!

I'm sorry for what you have been through.  I find it is easier to talk on forums then out loud.  Being here has helped me so much, even from the first time I ever posted.  It is still helping me - I have so much support here and I know you will, as well.  Here at AS, we are like a big family and our members are kind and non-judgemental.

Good luck for wednesday

I am sending you lots of safe hugs! 

Take care!

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Hi @JustCats and welcome to AS.  I'm so sorry for what you went through, it sounds really confusing and hard to have to carry that around.  I am sad you had a reason to come to this site, but I'm glad to meet you!  Sending support and a friendly wave!


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Welcome @JustCats to After Silence.  I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support.  Good job taking this step in your healing process.  You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault.  You certainly aren't stupid either.  Take your time exploring and post when you are ready.  If you have any questions feel free to message me. 

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