New & confused

[TND]

Hiya, 

I'm 25 from London, been spending the past year taking time to be single and am on a long road trying to regain confidence within myself after abuse at 16.

I am just curious, as I know this might not necessarily even be sexual abuse, but I have spent a lot of time reflecting on trauma from my youth and uncovered this memory from when I was about 12-13. For a period of time me and my mother had to stay at my grandparents house while we were moving. Me and my mother shared a bed for some months, and every night she would masturbate next to me before going to sleep, I guess presuming I was always asleep but I would always be awake the whole time. 

I feel like I have obviously repressed this and may be the reason why I feel so much misplaced anger towards my mother? 

Just wondering if this even classifies as some kind of trauma, as completely different to other sexual trauma I have experienced, but its quite distressing to me now and I wish i had never remembered it as i really struggle to get it out of my head when it comes. 

This is the first time i've even admitted it to myself that something has happened so just hoping for some reassurance before bringing it up to my therapist

Thanks

Hope everyone is doing okay

xxxxx

[missfrier]

Dear tnd

I would like to welcome you to After Silence's forums.  We are all here for you and want to support you in any way we can. I know that posting for the first time can be scary.  Please don't worry, though; you will always be given so much support from our lovely community and its members.  You're not alone - we are with you.

You will soon receive an official welcome message in your inbox.  Please feel free to respond to that PM if you have any questions about the forum or if you need some help finding your way around the site. 

Take care and keep reaching out!! 

 

[Iheartcupcakes]

I would definitely bring it up. That is very disturbing, especially for a child. I think you have every reason to feel how you do. My T once told me that parents watching porn in front of their kids, talking about inappropriate sexual things (not like informing), etc can be considered sexual abuse. I would say this falls into that. 

[MeBeMary]

Hi TND,

Welcome to AfterSilence. I am sorry for all the abuse and trauma you have gone thru, but do know that you will find support here. This community is filled with understanding and kind members. You are not alone.

I agree with Iheartcupcakes and her T. There are many, many forms of abuse and I would consider this one. Being exposed to sexual situations as a child is wrong. This was highly inappropriate, even if she thought you to be asleep. This should have never been done in the same room and there is no way she couldn't guarantee you would awaken or take notice. If her intent was there or not, this was wrong. It also has had an affect on you, so yes. This can be considered an abusive situations.

I am glad you decided to join our community. Feel free to look around and interact when you feel ready. I wish you the best in your struggles and your healing.

Mary

[8888]

Welcome @TND to After Silence.  I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support.  Good job taking this step in your healing process.  You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault.  I agree with Iheartcupcakes and Mary, it's not appropriate for a parent to do that, children shouldn't be exposed to sexual things, they simply aren't mature enough.  It very well could be considered abusive.  Take your time exploring here and post when you are ready.  If you have any questions feel free to message me.