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I'm new here. Anyway, I've been in 2 sexual abuse relationships.  One was for a total of 23 yrs and I finally walked away leaving my daughter because I had no choice. The other was 25 1/2 yrs. I left just May 24th.  I am now 63 yrs old.  I've never had a good relationship that wasn't abuse.  I don't know how to act in a normal relationship.  It's hard for me to believe that someone wants to make me happy for me not for himself.  It boggles my mind.  I now live in a 8 ft by 8 ft bedroom I am renting from a friend.  I am not in a relationship now but I don't know if I would be able to handle it without... Sometimes I think I will only like sex with pain because that's the only way I've had it.

Now I'm trying to deal with depression, anxiety and some PTSD if it gets triggered.  The nights are the hardest.  The loneliness, darkness, alone.  I've stuck a note up on my desk.  It says:  One Day at a Time - Just Breathe.  I am trying.


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5 minutes ago, Softblue said:

One Day at a Time - Just Breathe.

I love, love, LOVE this. ❤️ 

It's true, too.  One day at a time is the ONLY thing we can do.

So - I wanna be the first to welcome you to After Silence.  I'm so sorry to learn that you've only known abusive relationships.  Until I met my fiancee twelve years ago, I'd only known toxicity as well.  I'm glad though, that you are, for the moment, safe.  I do hope that being here and being surrounded by those who understand will help for you to feel more supported and a bit less alone.

Hang in there - these dark times can become overwhelming but hopefully you will find that they are only temporary.  Please take gentle care of yourself - you deserve peace, comfort and healing.

Wishing you all the best in your healing journey.

Best wishes,

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Hi Softblue,

I am very sorry for the traumatic relationships you endured. It truly is unfair and undeserved. You will find much support here, as our members are understanding and kind. What you experienced was truly unfair and undeserved. I know leaving a relationship is never easy and there always seems to be a controlling manipulation to go along with the fear. I am sorry you had to leave your daughter. I know that wasn't easy. You made decisions that were best at the time, when any decision was not a good one. It does take courage to leave abusers, tho, and I am glad you are away from that.

Take your time and look around the site. We sadly have many members, of different ages and backgrounds and I'm sure many can relate with your experiences and/or your struggles. You are not alone. I wish you the best as you begin this path of healing.



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Dear softblue

I am sorry for all that you have been through.   You have been so brave in reaching out to us, please know that this is never easy!   We are all here for you and we want to support you.  You're not alone in your healing journey and are always welcome to lean on us for extra support.  You can post as much or as little as you like.  We are here to support you in the way you need.  I have found this community to be very helpful.  Everyone is so understanding and non-judgmental and I am hoping you feel the same way once you've gotten to know us a little.   

All my best,

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Hello @Softblue I wanted to give you my warmest welcomes and tell you that I am truly sorry for all what you have been through and are coping with. I hope to see you around here. 


Stay safe 

- Wanna ☀️

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Welcome @Softblue to After Silence.  I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support.  Good job taking this step in your healing process.  You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault.  Take your time exploring and post when you are ready.  If you have any questions feel free to message me. 

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Im so sorry you had to go though all that.  For most of my life i was in abusive relationship and when i was able to leave I thought I made a mistake because I had to start over.  Its going to be hard but you can do it.  You've already made a big step just by leaving.  It will get easier, it just takes time.  

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