Some things just won’t wash out

[wontwashout]

Hello everyone... 

I signed up recently after reading a book about survivors of sexual abuse and realising that I kind of needed to find myself a place that I can share without so much limitation, in anonymity. I have been in counselling since the age of 7 and now at the age of 24 I am in the beginnings of doing EMDR. It is only in the last two years that I have even begun to talk about the abuse, to acknowledge to myself fully and to tell anyone else what happened. My problem is, I can’t identify my abuser, nor can I give away any information that may make it obvious about who my abuser was. If I thought any further children were at risk of abuse, I would 100% be forthcoming with this information and despite the trauma I feel it would cause me, I would put myself through that, to protect innocent children. I have recently come to realise, whilst I am struggling to accept it, that I was innocent throughout all those years of abuse. The abuser was to blame. I still carry so much shame and guilt but I am hoping I can heal from this. 
 

So this is just me, introducing myself I guess...

Just as a full disclaimer, I do have DID but my ‘alters’ WILL NOT be posting, I am aware that they are not welcome here and this is not the place for them. I hope this is not a problem, but if anyone has concerns about this I am happy to discuss. 

[missfrier]

QDear  wontwashout

I would like to welcome you to After Silence's forums.  We are all here for you and want to support you in any way we can. I know that posting for the first time can be scary.  Please don't worry, though; you will always be given so much support from our lovely community and its members.  You're not alone - we are with you.

You will soon receive an official welcome message in your inbox.  Please feel free to respond to that PM if you have any questions about the forum or if you need some help finding your way around the site. 

Take care and keep reaching out!! 

 

[MeBeMary]

Hi wontwashout,

Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry for the trauma you endured and the struggles you faced. It was wrong for you to be hurt and so unfair for anyone to do that to you. You are not alone, tho. This is a community filled with supportive and understanding members.

You are not alone as a survivor who has not identified or reported what happened. Sadly, it is quite common and you will never have to defend your reasons here. Even in the best circumstances, it often leads to more hurt and pain for the person identifying. This world is not a very understanding place. Many people do not understand what we go thru and often times there is victim-blaming. We go thru so much already, to just have others doubt. It's not right, but it's sadly the reality we live.

As for your DID, do not worry. I am glad you read the guidelines, as none of us are experts and it can confuse many when different parts come out. We do accept that you may be living in this reality, but it is best that we only speak you specifically. With this too, do know you are not alone. It has been an education for me to realize that many survivors do carry this this same diagnosis. We have a pinned thread in the Psychological Well-Being forum that you might want to check out. It is a very active thread called DID Support Thread. Other DID survivors post and interact here, tho you are able to post within all the forums.

I am glad that you decided to reach out. It is a brave step and please be assured this is a safe place when you can share as much or as little as you like. There is no pressure or judgment. I wish you the very best as you move forward down this path we call healing.

Mary

 

[8888]

Welcome @wontwashout to After Silence.  I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support.  Good job taking this step in your healing process.  You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault, it was absolutely your abuser's.  You certainly aren't the only one here with DID, as long as your alters don't post this is no problem.  Take your time exploring here and post when you are ready.  If you have any questions feel free to message me. 

[Hooves]

Awesome to meet you, though sad you are here. I'm really happy you've found a place to be open and forthright about your feelings and memories. Sending good vibes to ya' !
 

Also, side note... I didn't see anything about DID/not letting alters post in the rules... can someone help me?

 

EDIT: found it, no worries! sorry about that

Edited August 8, 2020 by Hooves
update

[SabineWren]

Welcome, and sorry you are here. I haven't started to work through my stuff yet, but admire your courage. I hope you find the support you are looking for here. 

[isawabird]

Hi. I’m glad you found your way to this forum. It took me a long time and multiple “situations” to bring myself here. I have friends who have DID and are also survivors. While I do not know about it from first-hand experience, know that I am very understanding and always here to talk if you feel that you need a friend or just a friendly ear. I hope things get better or at least easier for you soon.