Acknowledging rape years after it occurred. Is this normal?

[Sunflower198]

Hello!

In the amount of time I’ve had to myself while quarantining, I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on people and things from my past years. Somewhere along this timeline I have understood the reality that I was raped by my former boyfriend of 2 years. It took me till now to acknowledge that throughout our relationship, he had guilted me into performing sexual acts on him through the silent treatment, saying I owed him, etc, which led me to believe that I was doing something wrong and needed to do better. I feel stupid that I let this go on for so long, and this eventually lead to what I thought was us having consensual sex, which I now realize was rape. The entire day, I had exclaimed that I was not ready after agreeing to do so the previous day, and he spent the day telling me I had already said I would so now I had to, and during the act itself, even after I had hesitantly agreed, I was feeling uncomfortable and upset. I cannot believe I have not realized this till almost 3 years later, but I wanted to reach out in this page and see if this is a normal occurrence because currently I feel like an idiot for not realizing. I am not able to talk to my family about this issue for various reasons, so I am really grateful this website exists for people to share their stories and seek help 

[marcyabadeer]

@Sunflower198 Hello and welcome to After Silence. I am so sorry you recently realized these encounters were not consensual. You are not alone in this at all. I think as we get older we tend to realize a lot of things weren't how they seemed in the moments they were happening. I can relate to you myself with my own encounters! It was about 9 years after the fact that I realized these things for myself. Please know you are not at fault for knowing these things in those moments. The fact that you only realized this now doesn't take away from the horror of his actions or the validity of your pain and trauma. These are scary situations to navigate and there is no way to know what will happen to us in those moments- I know I tend to freeze up myself.

You are not alone in this pain. What happened to you was wrong and I hope being here with other survivors and their companionship can help you realize that your reactions and new realizations are all very normal.

Sending you support

 

sam 🖤🌻

[WannaMoveOn]

17 hours ago, Sunflower198 said:

Hello!

In the amount of time I’ve had to myself while quarantining, I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on people and things from my past years. Somewhere along this timeline I have understood the reality that I was raped by my former boyfriend of 2 years. It took me till now to acknowledge that throughout our relationship, he had guilted me into performing sexual acts on him through the silent treatment, saying I owed him, etc, which led me to believe that I was doing something wrong and needed to do better. I feel stupid that I let this go on for so long, and this eventually lead to what I thought was us having consensual sex, which I now realize was rape. The entire day, I had exclaimed that I was not ready after agreeing to do so the previous day, and he spent the day telling me I had already said I would so now I had to, and during the act itself, even after I had hesitantly agreed, I was feeling uncomfortable and upset. I cannot believe I have not realized this till almost 3 years later, but I wanted to reach out in this page and see if this is a normal occurrence because currently I feel like an idiot for not realizing. I am not able to talk to my family about this issue for various reasons, so I am really grateful this website exists for people to share their stories and seek help 

Hello Sunflower198 and welcome to After Silence 🌻

For starters, you are not stupid, you are not an idiot. You are brave for posting about this. 

SA and r*pe seldom happens like the stereotypes tell us, and the scenarios are often complex and involving someone you know previously, which can make the situation difficult to understand. Also, it is a coping mechanism to suppress memories. You figuring it out years after is not abnormal, everyone has their own timeline. 

He had no right to claim your body. I am so sorry for him doing you so wrong. I hope you know that none of this was your fault. 

Please feel free to reach out to me or any staff you'd feel comfortable with, feel free to check our forums and chat rooms out, and do not hesitate to ask questions. After Silence is here for you! 

Take care and happy to have you! 

- Wanna  

Edited June 29, 2020 by WannaMoveOn

[Struggling88]

Hi, Sunflower, and welcome!  I had a similar experience that happened with my ex-husband. You are not alone. 

[8888]

Welcome @Sunflower198 to After Silence.  I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support.  Good job taking this step in your healing process.  You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault.  Take your time exploring and post when you are ready.  If you have any questions feel free to message me. 

[MeBeMary]

Hi Sunflower,

Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry for what you went thru with your ex. It was not right, fair or consensual. He used manipulation and guilt to obtain his goal, after you indicated that you did not want to. Abuser can also be good liars. He lied when he told you things like you owed him, you did not. As a couple, you both needed to make a mutual and understanding agreement. This was not there. I understand tho, not realizing the truth until much later.

Believe it or not, it took me decades to realize this. I thought I had made a mistake and I should have been more clear or sure of what was happening. This happened and I was NOT in a relationship. So many other factors come into play, when you are a couple. Long-term manipulation adds to the confusion and anxiety of it all. Do know you are not alone.

Take your time and look around the site. Feel free to interact, as you are comfortable with. I wish you well as you walk this path of healing.

Mary

 

[Sunflower198]

Thank you so much for sharing that with me and for your response to my post, it really helps to know that I am not alone in this. I am so so sorry that you had to go through that as well, I’m always a resource here to talk if you need one and I wish you all the best with your recovery as well 

[Sunflower198]

9 hours ago, Struggling88 said:

Hi, Sunflower, and welcome!  I had a similar experience that happened with my ex-husband. You are not alone. 

Thank you for sharing that with me and I am so sorry that you had to go through that as well. It’s really helpful to know I’m not alone. We will get past it together

[missfrier]

Dear sunflower

I am sorry for all that you have been through.   You have been so brave in reaching out to us, please know that this is never easy!   We are all here for you and we want to support you.  You're not alone in your healing journey and are always welcome to lean on us for extra support.  You can post as much or as little as you like.  We are here to support you in the way you need.  I have found this community to be very helpful.  Everyone is so understanding and non-judgmental and I am hoping you feel the same way once you've gotten to know us a little.   

All my best,
missfrier

Lpp