Dealing with resurfaced trauma

[tiffanylynn55]

Lately, I feel like I’m losing it. I feel like I’m slipping down a slope of depression and anxiety that hasn’t been visible for at least ten years.

When My assault happened, I was 19. I’m realizing now that I never really dealt with what happened to me.  Recently, another woman filed charges against the man who raped me and was put in touch with me by a mutual acquaintance.  I spoke with her for hours, and that helped me deal with this recently resurfaced trauma. But now, it’s all I can think about. To help her convict this man, and to help have the maximum sentence imposed, I’ve offered to help as much as I can. My assault happened during college.  I had him kicked off campus through a “special hearing process.”  My University is unable to send me a physical copy of these records, so I’m traveling to campus to “inspect” them, and I’ve been informed that the state’s attorney in her case will be subpoenaing my university for them.  I can’t stop thinking about the many different emotions and situations associated with this terrible memory.  I’m anxious to view the file and remember details that I have suppressed for 15 years. I don’t know where to go from here.  I’m not the me I was six weeks ago, and I don’t know how to be her anymore. 

[MeBeMary]

Hi TiffanyLynn,

Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry for what happened to you at 19. It was unfair and wrong and I am sorry you have struggled and now face new struggles. You have found a very supportive site tho, with many understanding and kind members. You are not alone.

I do understand how this being brought up has had memories and triggers resurface, but may I say it is brave for you to help on getting this monster tried and convicted? Justice typically is rare in crimes like this and is why many do not even come forward. I am hoping that your experience will help in bringing him down. He deserves nothing more than a tiny little cell for years and years. Thank you for standing with her to try and get this to happen.

I believe trauma changes us all. We want to be that same person, but it is very difficult, if not impossible to do. We must learn to be a new self and find ways to adapt and grow. Healing is never easy, but we can strive for a better tomorrow and hope to string many better tomorrows together.

Again, I welcome you to our community. I wish you will as you move forward down this road of healing.

Mary

 

[missfrier]

Dear  tiffanylynn

I am sorry for all that you have been through.   You have been so brave in reaching out to us, please know that this is never easy!   We are all here for you and we want to support you.  You're not alone in your healing journey and are always welcome to lean on us for extra support.  You can post as much or as little as you like.  We are here to support you in the way you need.  I have found this community to be very helpful.  Everyone is so understanding and non-judgmental and I am hoping you feel the same way once you've gotten to know us a little.   
 

[Jade.Nook]

First of all I want to say your incredibly strong for being able to go over the past trauma and then help to get them tried! Secondly, I'm so sorry you ever had to go through it, no one deserves to be left with trauma. 

Even in the darkest times remember you're not alone, I'm new to this website but reading through some stories I can tell it's a safe space to be 

[8888]

Welcome @tiffanylynn55 to After Silence.  I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support.  Good job taking this step in your healing process.  You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault.  Take your time exploring and post when you are ready.  If you have any questions feel free to message me. 

[tiffanylynn55]

Thank you all for your kind words.  I'm very lucky to be in an amazing relationship with a very supportive partner now.   I leave tomorrow, and I'll be inspecting the records Wednesday morning.  I know this won't be easy, but I sincerely believe it's something I need to do in order to fully heal from this.  

Thanks again for your support. It means more than you know!

[WannaMoveOn]

On 6/27/2020 at 6:31 AM, tiffanylynn55 said:

Lately, I feel like I’m losing it. I feel like I’m slipping down a slope of depression and anxiety that hasn’t been visible for at least ten years.

When My assault happened, I was 19. I’m realizing now that I never really dealt with what happened to me.  Recently, another woman filed charges against the man who raped me and was put in touch with me by a mutual acquaintance.  I spoke with her for hours, and that helped me deal with this recently resurfaced trauma. But now, it’s all I can think about. To help her convict this man, and to help have the maximum sentence imposed, I’ve offered to help as much as I can. My assault happened during college.  I had him kicked off campus through a “special hearing process.”  My University is unable to send me a physical copy of these records, so I’m traveling to campus to “inspect” them, and I’ve been informed that the state’s attorney in her case will be subpoenaing my university for them.  I can’t stop thinking about the many different emotions and situations associated with this terrible memory.  I’m anxious to view the file and remember details that I have suppressed for 15 years. I don’t know where to go from here.  I’m not the me I was six weeks ago, and I don’t know how to be her anymore. 

Hello @tiffanylynn55 I really admire you helping this woman, being prepared to put up with the triggers and suppressed memories. I completely understand that you don't feel like yourself, and that the future might seem uncertain right now.

Just know that whatever happens next, both regarding the investigation and your own coping, you can come and find support here. Our community has a great diversity of survivors, and you can post whatever you'd like to get off your chest. 

I am sorry for what happened to you when you were 19, and that you went 10 years with suppressing. I am happy though, that we are having you. Welcome to After Silence! ☀️

- Wanna