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Hey, thanks for having me. Been reading all the stickies and public posts and you seem like a nice bunch.

I’m here because of CSA. It wasn’t dealt with very well in my family. I’m mid-30s and been in and out of primary MH interventions and therapy for 15 + years, antidepressants, substances and other unhealthy coping mechanisms, etc. Recently (since lockdown in fact) tried “sober” for the first time ever. Did about 70 days. AA is many things, most of them good, but you can’t take your trauma there. That’s not what it’s for apparently.

I am just so sick of being a big paranoid emotional, avoidant, socially anxious mess. I hate hate hate myself, smoke more than anyone I have ever met and hadn't been sober for more than a couple of days for my entire adult life. I have always held down a job but it’s HARD. Sure everyone here understands. All my relationships have failed. I’ve isolated myself from friends. Things just keep getting worse as I get older, and I need to sort this out so I can make some kind of normal life for myself (or just survive, but not like this).

Wrote an intro and deleted most of it but just makes you realise wow there’s just so much to say.

Anyway, been with my therapist for 3ish years and he's a good one, we have done some good work I guess but I know I still need to “process” all the stuff. I don’t talk about it (even in therapy really, just skirt around it) because it always creates a nasty atmosphere with people. They don't know what to do with the information and I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. 

So, after lots of frustration I thought I'd try and find somewhere like this and talk about it. So hiii, let's see if this helps me get a bit further down this road 😉 This is all a bit grim but just imagine I'm saying it with a smile on my face. It's all good even if it's not really xx

I'm a nice person I like dad jokes and Fleetwood Mac and love cats (you're never allowed one if you are a private renter, but I'll get there one day).

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QDear sj85

I would like to welcome you to After Silence's forums.  We are all here for you and want to support you in any way we can. I know that posting for the first time can be scary.  Please don't worry, though; you will always be given so much support from our lovely community and its members.  You're not alone - we are with you.

You will soon receive an official welcome message in your inbox.  Please feel free to respond to that PM if you have any questions about the forum or if you need some help finding your way around the site. 

Take care and keep reaching out!! 

 

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Welcome to AS @Sj85  I am pretty new to the group as well and I met some wonderful supportive people. Post what makes you feel comfortable and reach out when you need us!  I am here if you need a friend ❤️  Sending safe hugs :hug:

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Hi @Sj85

Welcome to AS. I'm sorry for the trauma you have faced in your life, but I'm glad you found the site and decided to join. This is a wonderful, caring community and we are all here to support each other through the healing process. This is a safe space and you will not be judged here. Talking with other survivors who are dealing with similar issues and emotions can be beneficial for the healing process. It is never too late to heal and you are strong and brave enough to do it. Take some time looking around the site and then feel free to post whenever you feel comfortable. You can post and share as much or as little as you want to. Just browsing and reading other posts is also an option. I wish you the best in your healing and hope you end up finding this site to be as helpful as I do. 

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Hi Sj85,

Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry for the childhood trauma you've experience and the struggles that have resulted from it. I think one huge step for any survivor is identifying those unhealthy coping mechanisms. We can fall into such a huge variety of different coping methods and they are not always easy to change, as you know. I do believe even joining a site like ours and interacting with others who understand can be such a step forward in change, especially when there is little else that will connect your struggles with your cause like this. I am glad you have a T that is a good one, tho doesn't seem to be a trauma specialist.

Do know that the emotions and struggles are actually normal, for the un-normal circumstances you went thru. We hope to turn some of those thoughts around. You aren't worthy of hating, no matter the circumstances. We hope you learn, in time, to let go of this viewpoint. You undervalue yourself, as it takes a strong person to survive the aftermath of such horrible things. None of this was your fault and you deserve better.

Once again, welcome to our community. I am wishing you many more forward steps on this journey of healing.

Mary

:notalone: 

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Welcome @Sj85 to After Silence.  I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support.  Good job taking this step in your healing process.  You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault.  Take your time exploring and post when you are ready.  If you have any questions feel free to message me. 

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Posted (edited)
On 6/26/2020 at 7:30 PM, Sj85 said:

Hey, thanks for having me. Been reading all the stickies and public posts and you seem like a nice bunch.

I’m here because of CSA. It wasn’t dealt with very well in my family. I’m mid-30s and been in and out of primary MH interventions and therapy for 15 + years, antidepressants, substances and other unhealthy coping mechanisms, etc. Recently (since lockdown in fact) tried “sober” for the first time ever. Did about 70 days. AA is many things, most of them good, but you can’t take your trauma there. That’s not what it’s for apparently.

I am just so sick of being a big paranoid emotional, avoidant, socially anxious mess. I hate hate hate myself, smoke more than anyone I have ever met and hadn't been sober for more than a couple of days for my entire adult life. I have always held down a job but it’s HARD. Sure everyone here understands. All my relationships have failed. I’ve isolated myself from friends. Things just keep getting worse as I get older, and I need to sort this out so I can make some kind of normal life for myself (or just survive, but not like this).

Wrote an intro and deleted most of it but just makes you realise wow there’s just so much to say.

Anyway, been with my therapist for 3ish years and he's a good one, we have done some good work I guess but I know I still need to “process” all the stuff. I don’t talk about it (even in therapy really, just skirt around it) because it always creates a nasty atmosphere with people. They don't know what to do with the information and I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. 

So, after lots of frustration I thought I'd try and find somewhere like this and talk about it. So hiii, let's see if this helps me get a bit further down this road 😉 This is all a bit grim but just imagine I'm saying it with a smile on my face. It's all good even if it's not really xx

I'm a nice person I like dad jokes and Fleetwood Mac and love cats (you're never allowed one if you are a private renter, but I'll get there one day).

Hello @Sj85 and welcome to After Silence! 

Good thing you've already recognized the members as a "nice bunch", I can assure you this platform makes a wonderful support system. Please join in on the this bunch, and know that After Silence is a safe place to vent, share your story, receive support and exchange experiences. 

I am sorry for what you've been through. I hope you can find After Silence as a comfort while processing. 

Welcome :flowers: and I love cats too 🐈

 

Edited by WannaMoveOn

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