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Mitchi

Trying very hard to open up

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I'm new here and want to share but I'm also very afraid. I have told some of my history over the years but there are other things that I've never spoken of. I've read that in order to really start healing, you need to let it out and speak your truth but when I think of sharing these other, secret things, I feel myself shutting down. I also have bpd so struggle with very intense emotions. I am in a much better state of mind than in the past, take medication that helps immensely and do have a strong support system now. I have had a bit of counselling in the past and it's been noticed that I don't look at the person I'm sharing difficult things with. Is that normal? If I can finally manage to tell my stories once, will it become easier?

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Hi Mitchi,

Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry for what you have been thru, it was unfair and wrong. I do hope you know you are not to blame. Nobody has the right to hurt you this way ever. You will find support in this community, tho. Our members are truly understanding and kind.

Telling our story is a huge thing, be it in person with friends or family, with a therapist, or in an online group like this. It is often survivors are reluctant because we do see instance of how society reacts to it. This is deeply personal, and there is a real fear of not being taken seriously or even victim-blamed. Revealing your story can help, but you should find a way that is helpful to you and involving people you trust.

Not looking at someone...stems from fear, embarrassment, and guilt. The latter too tho, is greatly unjustified, because no matter how you were hurt, it is only the person who hurt you that SHOULD BE embarrassed or shamed. We typically know tho, this is not often the case. There is no easy solution when sharing painful memories, just work on knowing it is an audience that you do trust and trying to validate yourself to yourself. We do validate what happen to you here, but there is a big difference when validating it to oneself.

I am glad you decided to reach out here at AfterSilence. Take your time to look around and interact where and how much you are comfortable with. It does get easier, at least in a community with kind people and the safety you get from anonymity, too.

I wish you the best, as you continue forward on this journey we call healing.

Mary

:youcanheal: 

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@Mitchi

Welcome to AS, I'm glad you found us. I found that everyone on the website is very supportive. 

Telling your story can be very difficult and helpful. It is a big decision - I would suggest that you take your time - don't push yourself to share more than your comfortable sharing; but you can certainly write as much as you want on AS without worrying about being judged by anyone. 

I also find it hard to look someone in the eye when i share difficult things - I think I do this because I feel guilty that somehow it was my fault, or that I won't believed, or that I will be judged for what I said.

I'm sorry that you have suffered - you didn't deserve it. Please be kind to yourself.

:notalone:

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Dear mitchi

I am sorry for all that you have been through.   You have been so brave in reaching out to us, please know that this is never easy!   We are all here for you and we want to support you.  You're not alone in your healing journey and are always welcome to lean on us for extra support.  You can post as much or as little as you like.  We are here to support you in the way you need.  I have found this community to be very helpful.  Everyone is so understanding and non-judgmental and I am hoping you feel the same way once you've gotten to know us a little.   

All my best,
missfrier

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Welcome @Mitchi to After Silence.  I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support.  Good job taking this step in your healing process.  You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault.  It's understandable to be nervous posting here.  Counseling has really helped me.  For some people it is difficult to make eye contact in counseling so yes, it's normal.  Take your time exploring here and post when you are ready.  If you have any questions feel free to message me. 

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On 6/26/2020 at 3:47 AM, Mitchi said:

I'm new here and want to share but I'm also very afraid. I have told some of my history over the years but there are other things that I've never spoken of. I've read that in order to really start healing, you need to let it out and speak your truth but when I think of sharing these other, secret things, I feel myself shutting down. I also have bpd so struggle with very intense emotions. I am in a much better state of mind than in the past, take medication that helps immensely and do have a strong support system now. I have had a bit of counselling in the past and it's been noticed that I don't look at the person I'm sharing difficult things with. Is that normal? If I can finally manage to tell my stories once, will it become easier?

Hello Mitchi. 

I totally understand your feelings about opening up. It is a huge step, but this is a safe place. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here, but happy we are having you.  

During my 1.5 years on After Silence, I have neither felt judged, confronted or not believed. This platform has a diversity of survivors, and you can post whatever you like about your healing and struggle. About wondering if not looking at the person you are opening up to... everyone copes in their own way, just give yourself time :) 

Welcome to After Silence! 🌻

- Wanna 

 

 

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Hi, Mitchi, and welcome! :wave: It does become a little bit easier to tell your story over time. :)

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Hi Mitchi,

Thank you for sharing! I have been in therapy for 11 years and it has truly rewired my brain and how I think, how I see myself and how I see the world. It might take some time to find someone you really connect with - it took me a few different counselors but now I have had the same one since I was 19 and she is really the only person in the world who knows everything about me and everything I have been through, and has never judged me. It's scary, sometimes I just sit and cry, those sessions are fewer and far between now but they still happen (two days ago for example). Sometimes I just want to listen and sometimes I talk almost nonstop for an hour. I will say, though, that it is easier for me to talk then it is to journal and I am still working on writing down my thoughts. I actually started writing my feelings into poems because I have been feeling so much and the words have just flowed as a result. Either way - I have found that getting it out of your mind and out into the world is so important, but I still have not shared everything that has happened to me to those closest to me and don't know if I ever will. I still struggle with shame and also with guilt - that my story is a heavy weight on the person listening. But those who love you and who support you will listen. You will share when you are ready, be patient with yourself and know that you are worthy of someone listening to your story. Even if that person is you, reading your story aloud and seeing it from a different perspective. You are worthy and so strong, even if you choose not to share ❤️

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Hello Mitchi,

I'm very sorry for what you've been through, but I'm so happy that you've found AS! This is truly a supportive platform where you can open up as much or as little as you wish. I understand your struggles and fears about speaking up as it is something I am currently trying to work through myself. Just know that whatever your feelings are right now, and whatever you decide, is completely valid. Remember to be kind and gentle with yourself as you heal and process everything.

Your story and struggles are not a burden you have to bear alone. 

I hope you find the comfort and community here that you're looking for. And again, welcome!

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