Scared Newbie

[Myalovesyouall]

 

Hi Everyone.. my name is Mya. 

 I am a college student athlete who plays D1 tennis, and have suffered 2 experiences of sexual assault and abuse within the sports/training world. I was assaulted, by my best friend who I used to practice with. I was 14, he was 19 and  I didn't even process what had actually happened to me un till I was 19. It was my first experience with alcohol, and first experience with a boy. I live in a super misogynistic, machismo household with 3 brothers who all play sports. So I internalized that entire experience as my fault, and have had so many repressed feelings of guilt, and shame. My mentality has always been ingrained to repress and keep pushing so thats what I did for so long. 

Between 15-21 (I am 21 now) I started to work with this trainer. As of about a month ago, I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I was sexually abused, and groomed by my athletic trainer for almost 7 years. I began to train with him in a vulnerable headspace to begin with, and he capitalized on it and sexually and psychologically abused me for years. I guess I will go into the ins and outs of that in the share my story thread, but I was referred to this website by my aunt, and my moms best friend. Probably one of the only two people who fully validate my experiences in my family. Once I confronted that I was abused by my trainer (who was well liked in my family), to my family all hell broke lose. Everyone is trying to take legal action, and push me to it and fix years of abuse as fast as they can and I feel so overwhelmed, nervous, scared, ashamed, embarrassed and literally all of the above. I know deep down i want justice, and that there are other girls in that gym suffering. But I know how victims are treated and I am petrified of the legal process, and of him so I am terrified. 

I also have so much external pressure to return to my senior year of sport in the fall, but the thought of training or playing tennis right now just does not feel good.  I am happy I found After silence, and can be surrounded by people who knows how it feels. I feel such a mix of feelings and a lot of them criss cross and contradict with eachother on what action steps I want to take next. The first time I even opened up to my therapist about this trainer was about a week ago, and a report had to be made because the abuse started when I was 15... and he was like 38. Anyways, I plan on staying and sharing more little by little. This whole process was really scary for me, even signing up for this I felt nervous.  But I am happy to be here and thankful for this safe environment with so many strong individuals. Sending love to everyone.

 

 

Mya

[Enigma87]

@Myalovesyouall Hi Mya, welcome to AS! I’m so sorry to hear all you have been through and are currently going through. That sounds like so much to deal with.  Might I say, you are so brave for telling someone and reporting it. That is super hard to do, but very admirable. Please know that unfortunately, many of us here can relate to your experience and are here to support you. ❤️ 

I was 15 too, when my 33 year old art teacher began sexually abusing me. It carried on until just before I turned 19. I’ve just begun to understand what he had been doing was very wrong too, and just opened up to my therapist and this website about it a couple of months ago myself. So I totally get that feeling of trying to make sense of things that seemed kind of routine, and come to terms with it. It’s still registering in my mind that he was wrong.

Again, welcome! and please know you are not alone. Sending you much support!  

-Engima ❤️

[8888]

Welcome @Myalovesyouall to After Silence.  I’m sorry for everything that brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support.  Good job taking this step in your healing process.  You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault.  Take your time exploring and post when you are ready.  If you have any questions feel free to message me. 

[MeBeMary]

Hi Mya,

Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry for the trauma you endured at the hands of a couple people you trusted. It was wrong and unfair that they put you thru such betrayal. None of this is your fault, but I do understand the internalizing and the confusion of how could "good" guys hurt anyone, let alone you. I am glad you realized the trainer capitalized on your vulnerability and groomed you into this abusive situation. Often times a survivor only questions themselves, which is natural, but the wrong place to look.

I'm sorry you were pushed into a court case. Be assured, most of us want that justice, but justice is difficult and you are right...the victim is re-victimized in most cases. It should not be a surprise that the majority of survivors are in no place to move forward with charges...or even speaking out. It is an unfortunate reality of the justice system and the partial viewpoint of society. You are not alone tho. You will find tons of support...while you deal with process and as you begin moving forward on your healing path.

Mary

 

[goldraindrops]

Dear Mya,

I am so sorry for the experiences that brought you to us.  It is terrible that people used the context of tennis (something you love) to take advantage of you.  

I also agree that the justice system is agonizing, so if you are ready and you do want to pursue it, make sure you have all the time and supports that you will need.  It is long and arduous.  

Anyway, it is courageous of you to reach out to us.  I hope it brings you comfort and healing.

Gold Raindrops

[missfrier]

10 hours ago, Myalovesyouall said:

 

Hi Everyone.. my name is Mya. 

 I am a college student athlete who plays D1 tennis, and have suffered 2 experiences of sexual assault and abuse within the sports/training world. I was assaulted, by my best friend who I used to practice with. I was 14, he was 19 and  I didn't even process what had actually happened to me un till I was 19. It was my first experience with alcohol, and first experience with a boy. I live in a super misogynistic, machismo household with 3 brothers who all play sports. So I internalized that entire experience as my fault, and have had so many repressed feelings of guilt, and shame. My mentality has always been ingrained to repress and keep pushing so thats what I did for so long. 

Between 15-21 (I am 21 now) I started to work with this trainer. As of about a month ago, I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I was sexually abused, and groomed by my athletic trainer for almost 7 years. I began to train with him in a vulnerable headspace to begin with, and he capitalized on it and sexually and psychologically abused me for years. I guess I will go into the ins and outs of that in the share my story thread, but I was referred to this website by my aunt, and my moms best friend. Probably one of the only two people who fully validate my experiences in my family. Once I confronted that I was abused by my trainer (who was well liked in my family), to my family all hell broke lose. Everyone is trying to take legal action, and push me to it and fix years of abuse as fast as they can and I feel so overwhelmed, nervous, scared, ashamed, embarrassed and literally all of the above. I know deep down i want justice, and that there are other girls in that gym suffering. But I know how victims are treated and I am petrified of the legal process, and of him so I am terrified. 

I also have so much external pressure to return to my senior year of sport in the fall, but the thought of training or playing tennis right now just does not feel good.  I am happy I found After silence, and can be surrounded by people who knows how it feels. I feel such a mix of feelings and a lot of them criss cross and contradict with eachother on what action steps I want to take next. The first time I even opened up to my therapist about this trainer was about a week ago, and a report had to be made because the abuse started when I was 15... and he was like 38. Anyways, I plan on staying and sharing more little by little. This whole process was really scary for me, even signing up for this I felt nervous.  But I am happy to be here and thankful for this safe environment with so many strong individuals. Sending love to everyone.

 

 

Mya

 

Dear mya

I am sorry for all that you have been through.   You have been so brave in reaching out to us, please know that this is never easy!   We are all here for you and we want to support you.  You're not alone in your healing journey and are always welcome to lean on us for extra support.  You can post as much or as little as you like.  We are here to support you in the way you need.  I have found this community to be very helpful.  Everyone is so understanding and non-judgmental and I am hoping you feel the same way once you've gotten to know us a little.   

All my best,
missfrier