Hello:)

[Sorayaa]

Hello, 

I recently found this site and decided I should try to contribute. When I was 15 ( I am 20 currently) something happened to me. I say “something” because I don’t really remember what exactly happened that day. I won’t go into details though I should say I’m certain I wasn’t raped. I always knew something uncomfortable  had happened but I didn’t really remember anything else until I was around 18. Even then, I only remembered it in pieces. I still don’t remember it all but once or twice a year I’ll either remember more details or I’ll dream about it and it feels like I’m reliving the whole thing all over again. For a while I didn’t think it actually happened. I thought it was a dream that felt too real. But now I’m 100% sure it happened.

Whenever I remember more details or dream about it, it turns my life upside down. It always seems to happen at the worst possible times, like when I have a lot of work due or exams to sit and it has made it really difficult for me to continue education. It sometimes feels like I’m acting instead of living my life. Recently it’s started to make me feel like I’m not in my body or that I’m watching myself do things.

I’ve never actually told anyone what happened to me. I can’t mention it to my family because they’re not the most supportive. I tried somewhat mentioning it to a psychiatrist but it really isn’t something I can talk about. I can’t get my words out, I cry and every time I attempt to talk about it I fall into a deep depression. 

I think the worst thing to me is knowing that if I ever felt strong enough to report  it or even tell someone, I wouldn’t know what to say because I don’t know exactly what happened. I keep asking myself how I can expect people to believe me if I didn’t even believe myself at first? I know that it’s never the victims fault yet I blame myself everyday. I desperately want to go to therapy to begin repairing my life but i really don’t think I am strong enough to do that yet. I’m hoping talking about it on here will make me feel comfortable enough to seek professional help.

I am sorry for the incredibly long post but I guess I’m on here mainly to see if other people struggle to remember what happened to them and how they deal with it.

Edited May 29, 2020 by Capulet
Just darkened the font.

[Poppy_]

Hi, @Sorayaa - 

Welcome to After Silence! I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I do want you to know that you are not alone in feeling what you're feeling. I can't say my situation is exactly like yours, but there are some things that I can relate to. First of all, blaming yourself or not remembering the entire event does not change what happened to you. You are having a traumatic response... that's how you know that something DID happen. You wouldn't be feeling this way if it was something you made up or it wasn't real. 

Also, I know how you feel about not being able to talk about what happened. I started therapy a little over a year ago and it took a LONG time for me to open up about what happened to me. But I will tell you that my T had a good plan with me. She got me on medication that I needed and worked with me on coping skills. I didn't understand this at first, but then I realized that she wanted me to be able to cope with the difficult emotions that come with talking about and processing trauma. I said that to say that if you DO decide to seek professional help, you don't have to disclose everything right away. They will work with you and hopefully they will help you from slipping into that depression. If it's something you don't feel ready to do, don't feel pressured to do it! I just wanted you to know that they shouldn't rush you or pressure you - they are there to HELP you. 

I hope something I've said here has been helpful to you. If you have questions or need to talk about anything, you can message me! I'm very passionate about therapy so I tend to get long-winded on the subject. But I can relate to missing pieces of what happened and the self-blame and even thr doubt about what happened. So, if you need to talk, I am here  

Wishing you all the best,
Poppy

[missfrier]

Dear soayaa

Welcome to After Silence!!

I'm sorry for what you have been through.  I find it is easier to talk on forums then out loud.  Being here has helped me so much, even from the first time I ever posted.  It is still helping me - I have so much support here and I know you will, as well.  Here at AS, we are like a big family and our members are kind and non-judgemental.

I am sending you lots of safe hugs! 

Take care!

[8888]

Welcome @Sorayaa to After Silence.  I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support.  Good job taking this step in your healing process.  You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault.  Take your time exploring and post when you are ready.  If you have any questions feel free to message me. 

[MeBeMary]

Hi Sorayaa,

Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry for what happened to you at 15. Whatever the details, both remembered and not, should never have happened to you. Nobody has the right to hurt another this way. As for the memory, do know that many survivors have no memory or only parts. This can be for a variety of reasons, but it is a normal occurance. It doesn't make the trauma you experience any less than it was. It is true tho, that many non-survivors do not understand what happens to a person during a trauma and after. It is a falsehood to say that it's an easy thing to just get over. If you ever come across anyone that tells you that, don't believe them. The effects can last long after.

Who you ever decide to tell is your choice. I know it is difficult and sometimes it is better, if you can't find that trust. Being vulnerable in front of others can be very difficult. IRL, I've told only two people in my many years...one friend and my doctor. This site is a good sounding board and safe. Do take your time and look around and you will become comfortable.

I just want to add that reporting these crimes, as right as it seems, is very difficult. In fact, the majority of survivors do not go thru this ordeal of reporting and trial, for many reasons. Justice is rare and light, even if everything is done exactly right. It is a difficult choice, one that nobody can make for us. There is no shame if we haven't, as we need to do what is best for us. Causing further harm with what may be little result just may not be worth it.

I am glad that you found us and hope you stick around to see all the supportive and kind people we have here. The understanding you will receive is insurmountable. You are not alone. I wish you nothing but the best as you continue your journey in healing.

Mary

[Romani]

I also am very new here, but I'm in my 30s and started getting repressed memories poping up at random times or dreams about 10 years ago.  Personally I found when such an event occurs I'll "argue" with my emotions with logic.  Like "its over now, and I'm currently safe from said event.  Stop being scared" no solution is perfect but I thought I would share a tactic that helps me calm unwanted feelings/emotions sometimes.  The staff here seems very kind and supportive, I'm going to try to take that helping hand myself for the first time hope you do too.  Good luck

[BraveGirl]

I am also experiencing a lot of memories.  I have never told anybody about it either.  I really hope I can relate to people here.  

Welcome to After Silence 

[Sorayaa]

Thank you guys so much for taking the time to reply! I didn’t think reading your responses would affect me so much. Ive tried so hard to keep everything a secret  and I didn’t realise how much I needed to read your support.

I’ve always braced myself for people not believing me so reading your messages feel kinda surreal. 

This lockdown has given me far too much time to overthink it and I’m happy I can share in this setting rather than driving myself mad on my own. 
 

[Sorayaa]

@BraveGirl  It sounds like you can relate to me. I really hope you receive the help and support you need ☺️

[Sorayaa]

@Romani thank you for your reply! I definitely will try your method. I tend to just try to convince myself that I'm making it up but that clearly hasn't been working for me so I'm open to try anything.

[Elizabethmaryc]

Hi @Sorayaa 

    After I saw your response to mine I decided to see if you had an intro! I’m so sorry about what happen to you. I too struggle with remembering or I go a long time without even thinking about it and then “BAM!” It’s right in my face and I consistently try to fight it away. I am currently in therapy dealing with another trauma that happened to me when I was 20 (about 7-8 years ago) and I’ve gotten some resources that I hope will also help me with this new trauma. If I find any good resources, I will let you know!

[Sorayaa]

Hello, @Elizabethmaryc

Thank you for your kindness☺️ i also have long periods sometimes where it doesn't affect me and then all of a sudden its back again. 

I'm really happy that you're in therapy, I hope to start one day.