I'm a newbie here

[RubyRosie]

Hey everyone! I just joined last night when I realized I need to be a part of a community of survivors who support each other. Some things I just feel like I can't talk about with my fam. I feel like they would pity me but not really"get it."

So far the strangest thing is trying to remember my username. I deliberately chose one that was a mashup of the name of a pet I had as a child and one of my cousins' names. The problem is I have to look it up every time. It's hard to remember certain things for me because of a TBI I got in a car accident 10 years ago. I have only ever been a member of one other forum and on there I just used my nickname and a number (ex - sammy123) Also, sammy is not my real name either. Anyways, my username was easier to remember over there.

I suppose I will get used to it soon enough. 

So, a little more about me. I'm in my early 40s. I love most crafty things. I'm trying to get more into watercolor paintings. Putting brush to paper is healing. I am currently actively recovering from a pretty bad bout of depression. I feel like I'm on the upswing, but I still have some really dark days where I feel like I'm emotionally in quicksand. I think that's all I'll say about that for now.

Ok, that's all for now. Thanks for reading this.

RubyRosie

[MeBeMary]

Hello RubyRosie,

Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry for the trauma that you have gone thru, but assure you that you will find much support here. It is often the case for others to not really understand. Do know this group will. You are not alone.

I find many survivors tend to be artistic in some manner. You comment on healing associated with it and I think that is a perfect description on why this happens. You will find within our site a creative forum, if you ever feel like sharing your expressions of creativity.  It is aptly called Healing Through Creativity. Members have put everything from poems, to art pieces, to crafts and music here. It's an option, if you feel comfortable in doing so.

I do like your user name and hope after signing in a few times it will be easy to remember. I'm sorry for the TBI, but am glad you felt reaching out to others was a good thing to do. I find being with others who are understanding and kind a really helpful thing. It isn't always easy reaching out, but I am glad you have. Wishing you many more forward steps on this path we call healing.

Mary

[RubyRosie]

Mary,

Thanks for the welcome.

Good news, I don't have to remember my username because my phone remembers it for me 😀

I kept getting anxious because I couldn't remember if it was RubyRosie or Rosie Ruby. Lol but I type the uppercase R and it just knows.

I used to hate this smartphone, saw it as an unfortunate necessity, but it does have some handie functions sometimes 😁 Like spell check. I'm an atrocious speller since the TBI. Just awful. But oh well, at least most of the time I can make a full sentence that others would understand. Which is an improvement over where I was 8 yrs ago. Baby steps, right?

I'm having trouble sleeping. Kindof can't get my brain to shut off. I'm excited because tomorrow is the big planting day for my container garden. It's finally warm enough here that we probably won't get frost again. Probably. Lol. Getting my hands in the dirt and helping some beautiful thing grow has always healed my heart.

I'm also stressed out because my mom popped by yesterday. By popped by I mean she drove 6hours one way to deliver some things to my sister and stayed for like a half hour. I live with my sister and my mom, who is a monster, just acts like we are on good terms, like is so far in denial that she doesn't know why I'm upset with her. 

I hate the pop in. Like she can show up whenever. It makes me feel deeply unsafe. I hate that I can't just tell her what I really think without causing more harm to the rest of my family (namely, my sister and her child ren) because my mom is emotionally manipulative and in denial as to what role she played in the abuse I survived as a child.

God I just need some sleep.

[missfrier]

Dear Rubyrosie

Welcome to After Silence.  I am sorry to hear of the trauma you have been through!

Being here has helped me so much.   Everyone is so caring and supportive here.  I am proud of you for reaching out.  I know that is hard to do.  I also know that you will find that needed compassion and support here within our community.  Know we are here for you and we will listen whenever you would like to lean on us.    

Take care and please do not hesitate to ask for any help if you ever need it.  

[8888]

Welcome @RubyRosie to After Silence.  I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support.  Good job taking this step in your healing process.  You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault.  Take your time exploring and post when you are ready.  If you have any questions feel free to message me. 

[RubyRosie]

10 hours ago, missfrier said:

 

Hi @missfrier & @8888 

Thank you both for the kind words. It's funny, I couldn't sleep and needed to talk and went Google searching for "s***** a***** survivor support" and found this forum. And then I needed to set up a profile and register and all that. I was anxious. And then for a while I was hoping I'd be rejected because "do I really want to tell the whole hellish thing all over again?" And then I just thought, "yeah, I kinda do. Bottling it up makes me feel like I'm going to throw up sometimes and I need to just get that story out of me and share with people who understand"

I need to talk to people who understand that certain sounds, certain smells, can unlock waves of fear and nausea from seemingly out of nowhere.

I need to talk to people who get it.

I need to feel not alone.

I need to hear other people's struggle and say "I'm sorry that happened to you. You didn't deserve any of it."

Thanks you guys,

💗

RR

[missfrier]

18 minutes ago, RubyRosie said:

Hi @missfrier & @8888 

Thank you both for the kind words. It's funny, I couldn't sleep and needed to talk and went Google searching for "s***** a***** survivor support" and found this forum. And then I needed to set up a profile and register and all that. I was anxious. And then for a while I was hoping I'd be rejected because "do I really want to tell the whole hellish thing all over again?" And then I just thought, "yeah, I kinda do. Bottling it up makes me feel like I'm going to throw up sometimes and I need to just get that story out of me and share with people who understand"

I need to talk to people who understand that certain sounds, certain smells, can unlock waves of fear and nausea from seemingly out of nowhere.

I need to talk to people who get it.

I need to feel not alone.

I need to hear other people's struggle and say "I'm sorry that happened to you. You didn't deserve any of it."

Thanks you guys,

💗

RR

Yvw    u didn't deserve to. Go. Though  what. You.   It wasn't ur fault.  It there. Fault they knew what they were doing xxx safe hugs 

[MeBeMary]

RubyRosie,

I am glad the phone is helpful. We don't want you not being able to get on. Just the little bit we've spoken, I'm guessing there are struggles from both TBI and SA? I can tell tho already, you seem to be a fighter. Baby steps are essential, especially since they equal up to huge steps.

I'm sorry your mom wasn't a protective and loving influence in your life. It hurts me to think so many families are broken because parents neglect their responsibility. I do hope she keeps away for awhile. I know you don't need the aggravation.

BTW...I saw that you donated to the site. Your kindness is apparent and appreciated. I do hope that you find much support and healing, as you walk with us on this journey of healing.

Just because I feel like it, I hope it is ok to give you a virtual hug?  

[8888]

3 hours ago, RubyRosie said:

Hi @missfrier & @8888 

Thank you both for the kind words. It's funny, I couldn't sleep and needed to talk and went Google searching for "s***** a***** survivor support" and found this forum. And then I needed to set up a profile and register and all that. I was anxious. And then for a while I was hoping I'd be rejected because "do I really want to tell the whole hellish thing all over again?" And then I just thought, "yeah, I kinda do. Bottling it up makes me feel like I'm going to throw up sometimes and I need to just get that story out of me and share with people who understand"

I need to talk to people who understand that certain sounds, certain smells, can unlock waves of fear and nausea from seemingly out of nowhere.

I need to talk to people who get it.

I need to feel not alone.

I need to hear other people's struggle and say "I'm sorry that happened to you. You didn't deserve any of it."

Thanks you guys,

💗

RR

I certainly do understand certain things can be triggering.  You are never alone here.  You certainly didn't deserve any of it.  It's not fair and I'm sorry to hear it happened to you.

[RubyRosie]

Hey guys,

I'm crying as I write this. Probably won't bee clear. It's just so good to have someone hear a bit of your story. Just a little crum of it, and not have them say "hmm, are you sure that was abuse?" And doubt you. Make you feel like they think you mad it up or something.

It's happy tears over a shitty thing. Thankyou.

Thank you all.

RR

[Poppy_]

Hi, @RubyRosie - 

Welcome to After Silence! From what I've read so far, it seems like you are feeling welcome here and enjoying it  It also sounds like you've been through a lot and I hope you know that you are certainly not alone. This community is full of people that have been where you are and understand how you feel. Keep looking around and post as you feel ready to do so! We are all here waiting with open arms  

If you need anything all, I'm just a quick message away! Feel free to PM me any time. 

Best wishes,
Poppy