Angers getting worse

[Needpeace1]

Hi everyone

First time here.

My CSA started as a young child by my grandfather. It ended when I was 18. I'm now 37.

I don't remember much from my childhood I've either blocked out the memories or took to many drugs years ago to numb myself.

I've never had support from a therapist.

I don't really talk about it.

My temper is awful and I need to deal with it so here I am.

Thanks for listening

[Free2Fly]

18 minutes ago, Needpeace1 said:

Hi everyone

First time here.

My CSA started as a young child by my grandfather. It ended when I was 18. I'm now 37.

I don't remember much from my childhood I've either blocked out the memories or took to many drugs years ago to numb myself.

I've never had support from a therapist.

I don't really talk about it.

My temper is awful and I need to deal with it so here I am.

Thanks for listening

Hey, I'm sorry you've been through that, honestly maybe try some meditation stuff to help calm your anger, for me breathing exercises sometimes helps.

[MeBeMary]

Hello Needpeace,

Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry about your childhood trauma. This is never ok for someone to do this. It is not uncommon for children of abuse to repress memories, so you are not alone. You will find tons of support here, tho. We have a community filled with understanding and kind members.

I never had therapy either and this community was my first step after years, so I get that. I have found it helpful tho and that I haven't felt as alone as I once did. You will have a support system here. You will also not be pressured to share anything you are not comfortable with, just take your time and interact to what feels right for you.

I am very glad that you have found us. It's a big step to reach out. I wish you many steps on this path of healing.

Mary

 

[Needpeace1]

5 minutes ago, Free2Fly said:

Hey, I'm sorry you've been through that, honestly maybe try some meditation stuff to help calm your anger, for me breathing exercises sometimes helps.

Thankyou for your reply

Yes I've tried the self help books, hypnotherapy meditation and breathing exercises. All seems hopeless

[marcyabadeer]

@Needpeace1 hello and welcome  

we are glad you are here with us 

 

sam🖤

[Free2Fly]

1 hour ago, Needpeace1 said:

Thankyou for your reply

Yes I've tried the self help books, hypnotherapy meditation and breathing exercises. All seems hopeless

Your welcome :) , I'm sorry you've tried all that and haven't had any success, don't give up though there might be more out there that you could try.

[Poppy_]

Hi, @Needpeace1 - 

Welcome to After Silence! I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now. It's okay if you don't want to talk about it - you don't have to. You're free to share as much as you want when you feel ready. I'm sure there are others here that can relate to the issues you're having and they will be able to lend some advice. Until then, continue to look around and make yourself comfortable! If you need anything, I'm always here   

Wishing you all the best,
Poppy

[Mave]

Welcome to After Silence, @Needpeace1! I am so incredibly sorry that you experienced all of that. You did not deserve any of it. If it’s any consolation, I’m experiencing some incredibly angry feelings towards your grandfather. You have every right to be angry! Thank you for your courage in surviving and coming here. Share whatever you feel comfortable sharing. We’re here for you!

Mave

[missfrier]

Dear needpeace1

I am sorry for all that you have been through.   You have been so brave in reaching out to us, please know that this is never easy!   We are all here for you and we want to support you.  You're not alone in your healing journey and are always welcome to lean on us for extra support.  You can post as much or as little as you like.  We are here to support you in the way you need.  I have found this community to be very helpful.  Everyone is so understanding and non-judgmental and I am hoping you feel the same way once you've gotten to know us a little.   

All my best,
missfrier

[Hawkgirl]

@Needpeace1

Welcome to AS.   I am sorry for all that you have been through.  I can relate to where you are.  Have you tried writing?  I know that sounds so trite, but I find it most helpful to express things when I can't find the verbal words for them.   I am not always a huge fan of self-help books because they are sometimes too vague.   But I find writing helps immensely.  I have a special journal set aside just for that.  It helps me to decompress a bit and I am able to put words, feelings and yes even anger on the pages.  It helps me because then it is not just rolling around upstairs. It is out of the attic and on paper.  It allows me to permit myself to feel whatever it is I need to feel without it becoming destructive.  For me some of my anger came from the fact childhood wasn't normal.  It also shows me the decisions of others has an impact in my life and honestly, that makes me angry.  I think it is normal to be angry.  It is just having to stuff it growing up is what makes expressing it hard now.   Something I started doing was writing a book (creative fiction) with elements of my own story in there.  That helped me as I could describe the characters of others who had contributed to the abuse any way I chose.  I think this may help you.  There is a seminar that is done yearly on trauma writing.  I think it is something that you may like to consider.

[Needpeace1]

38 minutes ago, Hawkgirl said:

@Needpeace1

Welcome to AS.   I am sorry for all that you have been through.  I can relate to where you are.  Have you tried writing?  I know that sounds so trite, but I find it most helpful to express things when I can't find the verbal words for them.   I am not always a huge fan of self-help books because they are sometimes too vague.   But I find writing helps immensely.  I have a special journal set aside just for that.  It helps me to decompress a bit and I am able to put words, feelings and yes even anger on the pages.  It helps me because then it is not just rolling around upstairs. It is out of the attic and on paper.  It allows me to permit myself to feel whatever it is I need to feel without it becoming destructive.  For me some of my anger came from the fact childhood wasn't normal.  It also shows me the decisions of others has an impact in my life and honestly, that makes me angry.  I think it is normal to be angry.  It is just having to stuff it growing up is what makes expressing it hard now.   Something I started doing was writing a book (creative fiction) with elements of my own story in there.  That helped me as I could describe the characters of others who had contributed to the abuse any way I chose.  I think this may help you.  There is a seminar that is done yearly on trauma writing.  I think it is something that you may like to consider.

Thankyou so much

This is so helpful and quite weird that only yesterday I was sat watching telly and I googled help for csa and I came across someone saying to write a letter. I picked up a pad and paper I only managed to write one page and it was full of anger but I did feel a weight lifted. I felt t like some of the aches and pains in my body I live with every day somehow disappeared for a while. I paced up and down my living room crying. A little bit of me thought I was going a little bit crazy but I always manage to talk myself back from a breakdown.

Do you get angry towards your mum?

I do

I moved back i with my mum and dad as i cant seem to get my shit together.

I live in the house where it happened and I know I need to move out but it's not going to happen yet.

 

Thankyou for your help and kind words

[Needpeace1]

8 hours ago, MeBeMary said:

Hello Needpeace,

Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry about your childhood trauma. This is never ok for someone to do this. It is not uncommon for children of abuse to repress memories, so you are not alone. You will find tons of support here, tho. We have a community filled with understanding and kind members.

I never had therapy either and this community was my first step after years, so I get that. I have found it helpful tho and that I haven't felt as alone as I once did. You will have a support system here. You will also not be pressured to share anything you are not comfortable with, just take your time and interact to what feels right for you.

I am very glad that you have found us. It's a big step to reach out. I wish you many steps on this path of healing.

Mary

 

Hi Mary

Thankyou very much for your kind words.

I would never want anyone to go through this but it is helping me knowing that there are people out there who understand. 

I hope you are healing Mary

And there are lots of happy days for you

[Needpeace1]

7 hours ago, samantha2009 said:

@Needpeace1 hello and welcome  

we are glad you are here with us 

 

sam🖤

Thankyou

[Hawkgirl]

50 minutes ago, Needpeace1 said:

Thankyou so much

This is so helpful and quite weird that only yesterday I was sat watching telly and I googled help for csa and I came across someone saying to write a letter. I picked up a pad and paper I only managed to write one page and it was full of anger but I did feel a weight lifted. I felt t like some of the aches and pains in my body I live with every day somehow disappeared for a while. I paced up and down my living room crying. A little bit of me thought I was going a little bit crazy but I always manage to talk myself back from a breakdown.

Do you get angry towards your mum?

I do

I moved back i with my mum and dad as i cant seem to get my shit together.

I live in the house where it happened and I know I need to move out but it's not going to happen yet.

 

Thankyou for your help and kind words

 

@NeedPeace

 I live where nearly everything happened too.  Although the first place is within driving distance or a bus ride of here.  No I don't get angry at my mom, I get angry that she married a man she only knew for 3 months (90 day fiancée)    When I look at the price i paid for that decision,, yes I was seeing red.  I had never wrote out my experiences before until one day a friend asked me to write about it.    I kept those emotions inside locked away and never breathed a word about it.  Everything was fine but I was not.  So i sat down and tried to write abou tit. I started writing and crying which...is not a pretty picture for me at all.  But I could no longer handle the stress and writing became my outlet for it.   It is quite therapeutic to do it and it allows you to say whatever you want to say about it.   I am glad you were able to write a letter and that it helped some.  Honestly, I know it feels like you are going crazy by crying.  That is how I felt at first when I finally started crying again.  People are concerned when you don't have an emotional reaction to something.  I had to tell myself it's s perfectly ok for me to cry..  I go over all the reasons that crying is ok.  It is helping me to relieve the pressure cooker that is my temper.  It is helping me address some of the pain I am feeling.  It is helping me come to the place where I can admit that this hurts.  There is nothing wrong with me admitting that I am actually in pain and have been for a long time.  As hard as it it to live where these things happened, I don;'t think it is a thing of not being able to get your s*** together and more so things feel really out of control right now.  For be, being at home has been difficult.  A lot of the things that were happening before are happening now.  Habits that don't stop are all around me.  Yet, for me, my mom felt I could not live on my own because I would not answer the phone.   I wished my mom had thought about some of these things but the truth is, many women grow up and marry men similar to their fathers.   I don't want to make that mistake.  But I find as I walk the path, I  am learning more about myself.  I am able to cry if I need to and i fully give myself permission to do that.  I consider it part of self care.  If you decide to write a story or a book in creative fiction, let me know.  I can send you some prompts and then you go from there.  I think you will find it healing and you will find a place to channel your anger too.   Telling  your story may help another to find healing too.   Keep swinging for the fences.

http://dcrcc.org/counseling/no-straight-path/      I think you will find this helpful.  

Edited May 1, 2020 by Hawkgirl

[8888]

Welcome @Needpeace1 to After Silence.  I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support.   Good job taking this step in your healing process.  You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault.  Take your time exploring and post when you are ready.  If you have any questions feel free to message me.