I don't remember...

[Kat7]

Hi All, 

As is always the case with me, in the beginning of the relationship i am very sexual, but after a few months I lose interest  and it becomes more of a obligation  than an intimate moment i would like to share with my partner. This has been the case with all of my past relationships. (I am also quite promiscuous when i'm not in a relationship). I have been trying to understand why i do this for going on 18 years... And i've hated myself for this behavior. Especially because i 'can't' control it. 

The thing is, I know that i was sexually abused by my cousin when i was 4 or 5, but i don't remember and i wonder if this has a lot to do with it? I have seen therapists in the past and at one stage i wanted to undergo hypnotherapy so that i could remember and deal with it and not feel crazy anymore, but she wouldn't do it with me and said that it might do more harm than good. And also, i don't feel it's helpful speaking to someone who hasn't been through the same thing... How are they meant to understand? 

I'm hoping that someone here has gone through something similar and could guide me in the direction of healing. I don't want to feel guilty or dirty or shameful or afraid anymore...

There's a lot more to my story, but i'm not sure how to put everything in words right now...

 

 

Edited February 25, 2020 by Kat7

[marcyabadeer]

@Kat7 we understand you here and you are not alone in this.
I think when we are abused sexually in some way in our life, the idea of “sex” undoubtedly changes for us individually. Some of us can have a mindset of never wanting to do it again, while others need to do it now to try to mask the last memory of a “sexual encounter” they had even though it was factually rape or molestation. some of us want to do it a lot... for various reasons! It is a much more common reaction than talked about, which is a little unnerving because the victims end up being blamed for those actions if they want to come forward, but nobody realizes it is just a typical psychological reaction to have to sexual trauma.

my personal experience is in the beginning of my marriage, I was fresh out of a sexually abusive situation. I think I measured my entire worth on how I could sexually please another person. So if my husband was tired in the beginning of our marriage, I took that personally and felt horrible! I didn’t understand what was so wrong with me that he didn’t want to touch me. I felt repulsive.  I wanted to have sex constantly; even though I was being forced to have sex constantly before. It was just what I became accustomed to. What I thought my existence was for. I think in a way, that situation in itself was healing because being able to talk to my husband about it after so long he reassured me that I was worth more than just having sex. Back then I didn’t understand because we married when we were 21 but now looking back i see i needed that. 

I also went through a stent last year where I felt like I physically could not have sex with my husband. I was not interested in sex I could not get aroused. I don’t know what that mess was but again I was still able to sit down and talk with my partner and for that, that was what it took to get back on the intimate path together. Right now we have a very healthy sex life. Probably the healthiest we have had in our entire relationship. I think communication is key. 

i hope I helped in some way, even if it was just to let you know you aren’t alone 

sitting with you if okay?

sam

[snmls]

Hi @Kat7

Welcome to AS. I'm sorry for the trauma in your life that brought you here, but I'm glad you found the site and decided to join. This is a safe space and we are all here to support each other. I'm sorry for the abuse you experienced as a child. Please know that it was not your fault and you did not deserve to be treated that way. You are not a dirty or shameful person. I don't have much advice for you concerning your relationship issue, but I'm sure there will be many people on this site who have dealt with similar experiences who may be able to offer some guidance and help you to feel less alone. You are welcome to post and share on the site whenever you feel comfortable. Don't be afraid to reach out for support. 

[8888]

Welcome @Kat7 to After Silence.  I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support.  Good job taking this step in your healing process.  You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault.  Take your time exploring and post when you are ready.  If you have any questions feel free to message me. 

[Struggling88]

Hi, Kat7, and welcome! 

[GreenBayGirl]

Hi @Kat7 I am so sorry that you have a reason to be here, but I want to welcome you and let you know we understand. My assault was not when I was a child, like yours, but I can only imagine that would be so much harder to process! There's nothing wrong with you! Your brain and body are trying to work through your trauma and protect itself the best way it knows how. It sounds like you've made a huge effort by going to therapy, but it doesn't sound like you're happy with the progress made. As someone with various experiences with therapy you may just be with the wrong therapist. You need to be able to trust and connect with your therapist, but on top of that, you may need to seek out different therapists for different topics. That being said just being here, gaining support from this place may be therapeutic for you. Of course, I recommend professional therapy for everyone here (this group should not replace that), but I've found more validation here than in therapy. 

Wishing you extra happiness today!

Peace and love,

GBG

Edited March 1, 2020 by GreenBayGirl