Newbie: ritual abuse and mind control programming survivor

[SRA Survivor]

Hi I’m new here. Below is about a bit of my experience with RA...

There is the blank programming, which via his command, I would immediately forget his ritual sexual abuse of me, so that he would not get into trouble. With the location programming, he would command me to go to a place and I would go without a self-will. With perception programming, he has commanded me to perceive that he is always harmless, gentle, loving, caring and sweet to me, so that via this false perception, I did not know that he has actually abused me severely.

There is the worship program, which he commands me to worship him without a self-will, to lift him up. I have lost my mind completely. He had intentionally dissociated me, without knowing who I am anymore, while he knew who I am, but did not let me know. The real me was lost by the dissociation of my fragmented self-state alters, with memory loss and time gaps between switching. He has stolen the value of who I am and violated my innocence in unimaginable ways.

[missfrier]

Dear sra survivor

I would like to welcome you to After Silence's forums.  We are all here for you and want to support you in any way we can. I know that posting for the first time can be scary.  Please don't worry, though; you will always be given so much support from our lovely community and its members.  You're not alone - we are with you.

You will soon receive an official welcome message in your inbox.  Please feel free to respond to that PM if you have any questions about the forum or if you need some help finding your way around the site. 

Take care and keep reaching out!! 

 

Edited February 24, 2020 by missfrier

[8888]

Welcome @SRA Survivor to After Silence.  I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support.  Good job taking this step in your healing process.  You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault.  Take your time exploring and post when you are ready.  If you have any questions feel free to message me. 

[snmls]

Hi @SRA Survivor

Welcome to AS.  I'm sorry for the experiences and trauma you've faced. Please know that none of it was your fault and you did not deserve any of it. You are welcome to post on the site whenever you feel comfortable. We are all here to support each other, so don't be afraid to reach out. 

[MeBeMary]

Hi SRA Survivor,

Welcome to AfterSilence. I am sorry for the abuse you have endured, but there are many understanding members here. I am glad you realized what happened and was able to find a way out. Wishing you the best on a journey of healing.

Mary     

[SRA Survivor]

Thank you for all of your valuable responses. 

ive been finding it extremely hard to come to sense that I had such an extreme trauma history. I only knew this since age 20 and now am 24, but before the age of 20, I was highly functional and had full amnesia about this. I missed that time when I was so care free. I now am in complete polar opposite. Living on disability pension and couldn’t continue university. I have complex DID, but couldn’t switch by will so it’s all very gap-py 

[Struggling88]

Hi, SRA survivor, and welcome!