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Hello,

After 32 years, I am finally realizing and confronting the damage of my childhood trauma. There are so many things I never knew about, and am connecting so many dots right now. I don't really have anyone I can talk to about it, besides my therapist. All I can afford is a student therapist, but she is the first person that really listened to me. I have rewritten this post about 7 times. I keep getting negative. So, I have 4 spoiled cats that are siblings. They will be 15 this year. I don't have any children, and have never been married. I am 38 tomorrow. I am trying to leave my boyfriend of 9 years, but it is hard. I kind of hope he'll leave me for lack of intimacy. He has never been supportive or genuinely compassionate anyway. I'll leave it there. 

I finally graduated college at 35. I went online, otherwise never would have finished. I currently volunteer at a zoo, and will be volunteering at a wildlife place soon. I just discovered that I really really like kayaking. I used to work at an animal hospital when I was young. I used to do ballet until I was 24. I did Kung Fu when I was 18, but the instructor was inappropriate. Another long story there. I was hoping to do it again soon though, with another instructor of course.

My favorite comedian is Sebastien Maniscalco. Reminds me of my Italian side. Some of my favorite TV shows are, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, 30 Rock, and Baskets. Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, and I Love Lucy comfort me for some reason. I like spy and action movies the most. I like history, investigating, and solving problems. I like real paranormal stories, and have had some experiences. I also can feel energy in my hands. One time, I concentrated on it, while play fighting with my boyfriend and knocked him down with one punch. I secretly felt so powerful. 

I just recently found out the identity of my perpetrator, and he died many years ago in prison. I wanted to sue the institution where I was assaulted because they were liable for certain reasons I won't get into. I talked to a lawyer, but she said the SOL is up. I am realizing I have been so angry most of my life, and have directed it at myself. I have been brutal to myself because I never knew his identity. I never could direct my anger at he who was responsible because it was just a mysterious evil entity for most of my life. I am having a hard time with the not getting justice part, and hope to find some insight and support here at AfterSilence. 

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@octavia8 I am sorry for what happened to you :( but you have found the right place to be for comfort and people who understand. 
 

your interests sound a lot like mine! I look forward to getting to know you here on the forums :) 

sam

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Thank you. I feel like I wrote a lot more than others. I am normally very quiet. 

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@octavia8 you are fine to write as little or as much as you’d like! It was nice reading it and getting to know a little about you honestly :) 

sam

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Welcome @octavia8 to After Silence.  I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support.  Good job taking this step in your healing process.  You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault.  Take your time exploring and post when you are ready.  Volunteering at a zoo sounds cool.  And Happy Birthday!  If you have any questions feel free to message me. 

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Hello Octavia,

Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry for the trauma of you have experienced, and the struggles you currently face.  It can be difficult to deal with the struggles, but do you know you are not alone. This community is filled with understanding and kind members. Take your time and look around when you feel comfortable, feel free to interact.

Must be a very interesting to be able to work at a zoo. I love animals and that would be the ultimate place to be. I only have one cat, but she is my sweet baby. 🥰

I am glad you decided to reach out, and do you know that you will find support and kindness as you walk down this path of healing.

Mary

:notalone:

 

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Hi @octavia8

Welcome to AS.  I'm sorry for the things that brought you here, but I'm glad you found the site and decided to join. It is never too late to begin the healing process.  It is common for survivors to take years before they realize and are able to process what happened to them.  This site is a safe space and we are all here to support each other. Connecting and talking with other survivors can be really helpful in the healing process. 

You should like a really interesting person and have had the opportunity to do some neat things during your life.  I also find Sebastien Maniscalco to be really funny. I look forward to seeing you around the site.  Keep reaching out for support. 

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Dear octavia8

I am sorry for all that you have been through.   You have been so brave in reaching out to us, please know that this is never easy!   We are all here for you and we want to support you.  You're not alone in your healing journey and are always welcome to lean on us for extra support.  You can post as much or as little as you like.  We are here to support you in the way you need.  I have found this community to be very helpful.  Everyone is so understanding and non-judgmental and I am hoping you feel the same way once you've gotten to know us a little.   

All my best,
missfrier

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Wow I read what you wrote and it basically sounds like me with a few exceptions. I will be 38 soon. I am married. No children. Have a dog child. My favorite comedian is also sebastian maniscalco. I also after 24 years are connecting dots and realize I am more damaged than I thought I was. Welcome to after silence

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