What’s wrong with me

[Mae72700]

I thought I was over it. But I think there is something seriously wrong with me, like I’m just beyond repair mentally. I was 10, he was 17 and it went on for 3 years.  I believed him when he told me he loved me and that he would always be there for me.  He disappeared and I spent 20 years hating him for what he had done to me.  He broke me.  
I’ve been out of work lately and got in my own head so I stupidly googled him.  Well his number showed up on the first search.  I messaged him and asked if he was sorry. He broke down, I broke down and I had a conversation with the man who’s memory controlled my entire life. I felt relief, I felt the anger slip away because he regretted it and it ate away at him just as long as it did me.  All of a sudden the man I hated for 20 years had shown me a glimpse of the boy I knew who was family. 
He thanked me for reaching out and said he was happy that even after what he did I found my way in spite of him. 
so what is wrong with me that I feel like that little girl again who believed his lies. All of a sudden I feel like I just broke up with someone I love. Love. What the hell is wrong with me that I the anger is gone and now I’m left broken hearted because I love him. I’m not 10 anymore I’m not 11 or 12 with a crush who is naive enough to believe a man who’s only intention was to hurt me.  I know better so why does he feel better and I’m left a sobbing mess.  

Edited October 25, 2019 by Mae72700

[Struggling88]

@Mae72700 Welcome to AS! I’m sorry that happened to you. You were taken advantage of what ended up being a young adult. Someone who knew better, but chose to violate you anyway. None of this was your fault. You were just an innocent child. He took that from you. You did not deserve that. You are not alone here. AS is a very supportive community. You can message me anytime if you need anything. 

[8888]

Welcome @Mae72700 to After Silence.  I'm sorry to hear this happened to you.  There is nothing wrong with you.  Survivors react to trauma in a variety of ways.  Your feelings are valid.

[Running]

There is nothing wrong with you. Nothing at all.

[missfrier]

Dear @Mae

Welcome to After Silence.  I am sorry to hear of the trauma you have been through!

Being here has helped me so much.   Everyone is so caring and supportive here.  I am proud of you for reaching out.  I know that is hard to do.  I also know that you will find that needed compassion and support here within our community.  Know we are here for you and we will listen whenever you would like to lean on us.    

Take care and please do not hesitate to ask for any help if you ever need it.  

[Aliss]

There is nothing wrong with you, something wrong happened to you. It's very different. It's common to have mixed feelings and it can be very confusing. You could try writing down all of your different feelings about him, sometimes it helps clarify things. It's ok to feel affection for someone and also be angry at that person for what they've done to us. It just makes you human.

Don't hesitate to reach out if you need help. 

[Mae72700]

Thank you for your kind responses.  This has been a very rough week emotionally.  
 

There have been a few things since but I posted to the blog since it’s so long.  Would love your thoughts or just to know I’m not alone 

[Zaki]

I can ensure you that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you at all. He's the one who is messed up and the one that got an issue. Take care of yourself. You're strong.