Hello

[AngelasAshes]

Hello, new here. I've been reading posts as a guest for about a week. Glad I found this place, it's been very disheartening to find how long it takes to get help after trauma. I'm on two therapists wait lists currently.

As a survivor previously, and the mother of a SA survivor - I never thought I'd be back in this place again in my life. I'm always so careful and guarded. I know ultimately the blame belongs to the criminal/monster but it's still fresh and I haven't moved past the "what ifs" yet. Thank you for the safe space to feel this and work through it. 💗

[8888]

Welcome to After Silence.  I'm sorry for what you went through but happy you are here reaching out for support.  That stinks you have to wait for therapy.  I hope this place will be to your benefit in the meantime and as you go to therapy.  It wasn't your fault; the blame solely belongs to the perpetrator.

[Poppy_]

Hi, @AngelasAshes - 

Welcome to After Silence! I also lurked on the site for a while after I joined before posting for the first time. Once I started posting though, I felt SO supported and welcome. I was truly glad that I decided to be a part of this site - and I still am glad! I'm sorry you're having to wait so long to get help, that is so hard. But like @8888 said, hopefully this site will be beneficial in the meantime. 

I am sorry you've found yourself in this place again. It seems no matter how hard we try to stay guarded, things still happen. But we are all here to support you! You're not alone here. 

Wishing you the best,
Poppy

[AngelasAshes]

Thank you @8888 I dont know if its just my area or if its everywhere but any place I call here has a waitlist. Some are 4-6 weeks. 

I have only told my spouse and my boss about what happened and it feels like its eating me alive. I just want to get it all out and find a way past it but I cant tell anyone I know.. I learned years ago when struggling through my daughters CSA that people will judge you, distance themselves from you and flat out deny things before accepting the truth - that there are monsters out there and they look just like everybody else. The few friends that survived that crisis with me cannot know this one. I just cant do that to them or lose them after coming through so much with them. Its nice to see a community of people that understand all of these feelings. 

[missfrier]

Dear @AngelasAshes

Welcome to After Silence!!

I'm sorry for what you have been through.  I find it is easier to talk on forums then out loud.  Being here has helped me so much, even from the first time I ever posted.  It is still helping me - I have so much support here and I know you will, as well.  Here at AS, we are like a big family and our members are kind and non-judgemental.

I am sending you lots of safe hugs! 

Take care!

[Mave]

Hello again, @AngelasAshes! Welcome to our community. I am so sorry to hear about what you went through and hope you're off the wait-list soon. Send me a private message if you feel comfortable and ever need anything. We are here for you!

[MeBeMary]

8 hours ago, AngelasAshes said:

Hello, new here. I've been reading posts as a guest for about a week. Glad I found this place, it's been very disheartening to find how long it takes to get help after trauma. I'm on two therapists wait lists currently.

As a survivor previously, and the mother of a SA survivor - I never thought I'd be back in this place again in my life. I'm always so careful and guarded. I know ultimately the blame belongs to the criminal/monster but it's still fresh and I haven't moved past the "what ifs" yet. Thank you for the safe space to feel this and work through it. 💗

Hi Angela.

Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry what has happened to you and also your child. I know it is difficult enough dealing with one's own struggles, but I can't imagine the heartbreak of being the mother of someone being victimized. There are just so many evil people out there. I am also sorry it is taking far to long to get the requested help you've asked for. I suppose there can be nothing more frustrating...trying to find the proper self-care and having to wait. Hoping this time passes quickly. I am glad that you have reached out her at AS. You will find all our members are supportive and kind. There is no judgment here, but that is we understand more than most people can. I do wish you the best as you walk this road of healing...for you and your child.

Mary

[8888]

@AngelasAshes Once you have ten posts here you will have access to a forum called Share Your Story.  You are welcome to post your story there if you want.  

[AngelasAshes]

@8888 I saw that when I read all the bulletins before joining. I don't know if I can go there or not yet - even after the 10 posts. Its all so fresh and I think I will want to read other stories but only end up triggering myself.  Its been 7 years since the CSA was discovered with my daughter, the court ruling and getting her safe. Its only been the last 2 years that I have been able to move forward with life without crippling PTSD and panic attacks.. She has CPTSD and has been hospitalized for depression. Shes tough though, we have been fighting to rise above this for years.

Its like I finally found a way out of the darkness just for this new crisis to find me.

[AngelasAshes]

@Poppy_ @missfrier @Mave @MeBeMary thank you for the welcomes and the support. They mean more than I can say right now. 

[8888]

@AngelasAshes You know yourself best, don't do anything you aren't ready for.  So sorry to hear about all you've been through.  

[RisingStrong]

On 8/29/2019 at 4:28 PM, AngelasAshes said:

Hello, new here. I've been reading posts as a guest for about a week. Glad I found this place, it's been very disheartening to find how long it takes to get help after trauma. I'm on two therapists wait lists currently.

As a survivor previously, and the mother of a SA survivor - I never thought I'd be back in this place again in my life. I'm always so careful and guarded. I know ultimately the blame belongs to the criminal/monster but it's still fresh and I haven't moved past the "what ifs" yet. Thank you for the safe space to feel this and work through it. 💗

@AngelasAshes Auuurghhhh... I’m sorry you’re here. But welcome. I feel everything you feel. It’s truly awful, and after the whole journey before.

You are supported, believed, heard, safe. 

Here for conversations. 

[Capulet]

Hi @AngelasAshes and a very hearty welcome to After Silence! I'm so sorry for the trauma both you and your child have experienced.  I'm glad you've been looking around for a little while and that you are liking what you see, here.  AS has truly been a godsend for me, and I'm sure many others will echo my sentiments.   

You are so right about those what-ifs sometimes becoming a hinderance to our progress.  I do hope that those therapists get back to you in a timely fashion.  Until then, yes, please, do lean on us - so many others (to include me) have their own what-ifs and you're definitely not alone.

Here for you if you need anything.

All the best,

Capulet

[AngelasAshes]

Thank you @Capulet for the welcome and kind words. 

[AngelasAshes]

Thank you @RisingStrong I'm sorry you know those feelings too  

It truly saddens me that there are so many people who experience these things.

[RisingStrong]

@AngelasAshes yes. That’s the thing I’m struggling with. I also have to resist the urge to yell at women telling them not to trust the men they are with. Or if it is truly 1 in 5, I keep looking at women I know and thinking “how are you coping???”. How do people do this? The life part? The back to work and socializing and everyday-ness? Someone taught me “box breathing” recently. It kinda helps when it’s bad. Here to talk to if you need. 

[AngelasAshes]

@RisingStrong I totally get that. I think it might even be one in four. I tend to start counting the women in the room, or thinking that I might make the 1 in 4 for multiple groups. Somehow survivors are hit multiple times? This last instance would make my third instance as a survivor and Im also a secondary survivor to my daughters CSA. I want to know the statistics on that... Or if I just permanently have a bulls eye on my back.

I want to do some shouting as well. I hope we find a way back to peace from this, together.

 

[RisingStrong]

Aurgh... I’m so so so sorry. No, you don’t have a target but I wish the people who broke your trust did. I’m still in revenge mode so... 

1 in 4 and where I live there are no support groups. So no one to speak to except here. Friends don’t really understand. I think they get tired too... of sitting through the difficult parts. Understandably. 

How you managing anger?