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Amsekhmet

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Posted (edited)

I have no idea what to say here, but here goes anyway. I became an active member yesterday. I'm here because I was assaulted by someone I thought I could trust back in 1996, and I'm trying to work through the remaining trauma. I posted what happened in Share Your Story, the Date/Acquaintance thread, and the Drugged Sexual Assault thread, and everyone I've encountered so far has been amazingly kind and supportive. I hope I can be the same for some of you. I was dosed with what was ketamine as near as I can tell from research and medical professionals, and one of the effects that it has in high doses  is paralysis. I was conscious for the whole thing but couldn't move or communicate, and there was no amnesia the next morning. From what I've read, that is fairly uncommon when the person is drugged, so it's been difficult to find others that went through exactly what I did. Having that connection is important insofar as feeling less alone, and I've found a few others on here already, but if what I'm saying sounds similar to what you experienced (or even if it doesn't) and you want to talk, please don't hesitate to reach out. Thanks for the welcome I've gotten so far. I am so glad this site was recommended to me as it's already doing some good. Thanks all. 

Edited by Amsekhmet

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Dear @Amsekhmet,

I'm so sorry what you went through and that you have a reason to be here.  At the same time, I'm happy you've already begun to feel how supportive everyone on the site is.  I think you will find many people here who are empathetic and understanding about your experiences, even if we all have slightly different circumstances.

Take your time to read through the different forums we have available and post whenever you feel comfortable.

Blessings,

Gold Raindrops

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Hello, @Amsekhmet - and welcome to After Silence!!!

I'm so glad you've been able to connect with some folks here and that you are finding that there is great benefit to belonging to a community filled with so many others who can relate.  I have found After Silence to be one of my biggest lifelines - and this site is indeed a second home to me! :)

My experience was also in 1996 - and although I was not drugged, I definitely can relate to not having a whole lot of support at the time - the loneliness, the feeling that no one understood.  I was a total wreck!  Thank god for this place - I've met so many wonderful friends here - and my significant other, too!

I also extend the invitation to reach out to me if you ever need to talk.  There's no limit on the amount of support you'll find here - we're happy to have you among us and I thank you in advance for your kindness and support, too.  It means the world to me and to many others, to hear this.

Wishing you all the best on your healing processes!

- Capulet

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@goldraindrops, Thanks! Someone on Reddit recommended you all and I'm so glad I checked it out. It's been really good for me so far. Thanks for all your work here.  

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@Capulet Wow, you're the second person I've met here whose experience was in '96. It's incredible how it lingers, isn't it? Right about the time you think you've gotten it resolved it comes right back in a vicious cycle. I'm so sorry for what you went through. Thanks so much for helping to provide this forum for so many that need it. It takes a lot of strength to channel it into something so positive to help others heal. All the best on your healing process as well! 

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Hi @Amsekhmet

Welcome to AS.  I am so sorry for what you went through back in 96, and for all the years of dealing with the trauma feeling alone.  I am glad you we told about AS and that you have found it useful so far.  my assaults were old as well when I joined and I felt very alone and isolated by them. finding others to connect with was so important.  i am so glad you have found our warm safe space to share. Wanted to point out that you are so brave to have shared you story and joined our sight, that is pretty impressive and I am glad that you can show your strength already.

cant wait to see more from you around the forums.

BraveOne

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@BraveOne Thank you!! I appreciate you saying all that, but it really isn't all that brave, at least not for me. The ones that floor me are the ones that have never told anyone before. Believe me, I've talked it to death with trusted loved ones and a therapist over the years, so discussing it isn't anything new although I've gone into a lot more detail in my posts than I normally do in person. Sharing it with perfect strangers who actually know where I'm coming from and who I "get" in return is new for me, though. I've wound up writing a lot more than I meant to, but hopefully someone will see it and something will click for them about their situation. 

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I get it.  I actually did not say a word for 10 years about what had happened to me and one day I just kind of lost grip with reality and ended up in therapy and then here.  i didnt have anyone i felt safe sharing it with, so I understand why people keep it quiet too.  As long as I never verbally said it I thought it would go away and it did for me till it didnt anymore and it all came up and I thought I had lost my mind.

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Posted (edited)

@BraveOne Yep. I talked about it a little, but I had such a fear of not being believed because of how it happened that I didn't bring it up unless something happened to bring it up for me, so for the most part I had it stuffed for about 13 years. I wasn't even sure I had a right to be upset because the next day the guy claimed I consented and just didn't remember. I was very drunk, and while I suspected I was drugged I couldn't figure out with what for a very long time. Alcohol on its own does not cause paralysis like that, but none of the drugs I was ever warned about fit either. There was another girl that had left me in the room with him, I thought she knew more than she was admitting, and after I threatened to go to the police to get to the bottom of it, all of a sudden she also claimed I had consented. Years went by, I was mostly ok, had it sealed off tight, and then a dear friend of mine died. I made it through that, but I didn't have the emotional strength to keep a lock on what had happened like I had been and the lid blew off. Panic attacks, uncontrollable crying jags, hypervigilance, sleep issues, the whole nine yards. The upside was that by then the internet had grown and I was finally able to do the research I needed to to get answers about what had happened to me, what had caused me not to be able to fight him off. I wasn't sleeping, I would sit at my computer for hours searching, and eventually I found what I needed. Having a solid explanation made me a lot more willing to talk about it and I finally went and found a therapist. I was diagnosed with delayed onset PTSD, and while I've come a long way and done a lot of work to learn how to cope with my triggers and such, I still feel I have more work to do so here I am.  

Edited by Amsekhmet

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19 hours ago, Amsekhmet said:

I have no idea what to say here, but here goes anyway. I became an active member yesterday. I'm here because I was assaulted by someone I thought I could trust back in 1996, and I'm trying to work through the remaining trauma. I posted what happened in Share Your Story, the Date/Acquaintance thread, and the Drugged Sexual Assault thread, and everyone I've encountered so far has been amazingly kind and supportive. I hope I can be the same for some of you. I was dosed with what was ketamine as near as I can tell from research and medical professionals, and one of the effects that it has in high doses  is paralysis. I was conscious for the whole thing but couldn't move or communicate, and there was no amnesia the next morning. From what I've read, that is fairly uncommon when the person is drugged, so it's been difficult to find others that went through exactly what I did. Having that connection is important insofar as feeling less alone, and I've found a few others on here already, but if what I'm saying sounds similar to what you experienced (or even if it doesn't) and you want to talk, please don't hesitate to reach out. Thanks for the welcome I've gotten so far. I am so glad this site was recommended to me as it's already doing some good. Thanks all. 

Hi Amsekhmet,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for what happened to you and the struggles you face still. It is never right for someone to hurt you this way. I am glad you are already seeing what a wonderful community this is. Our members are truly understanding and kind and many can relate to your circumstances and/or your struggles. It's not easy going it alone and it is truly one of the best things about this site, we no longer feel alone. I am very glad that the site was recommended and you decided to join. I wish you all the best on your journey of healing.

Mary

:notalone: 

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Hi Amsekhmet!!  My story is similar to yours in that a loved one hurt me while I was drugged.  I’m so very full of anger and hate toward him that is strangles me.  I fell like this rage is suffocating and am hoping to find an outlet here.  Welcome to AS.  

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