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Don’t know what I’m doing


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I’ve been to therapy and after five years it still feels like it happened yesterday. My family doesn’t understand and I don’t know where else to go to try to feel normal. I have given my life back to God and yet I’m still so angry with myself. Angry for letting it happen, not trying harder to stop it and angry that I wasn’t strong enough to report it. They may be out there hurting others because I was too afraid to come forward. Afraid of how people would look at me and how others would feel about me. I know it’s not my fault but I can’t seem to move forward in my life because I can’t forget. I have chosen to forgive, not for the, but for me, and that has helped. I was stronger until I fell in love. He offered me a safe haven and yet I still feel alone and don’t know how to be a good girlfriend. I want to start a family but I feel like there is something g unloveable about me even though he tells me he loves me. I don’t think he can until he knows and understands what I’ve been through. Should I sit him down and pour out my heart or should it be a secret I carry with me forever??

Edited by Kady
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Hi @Kady!!

Welcome to After Silence!  I'm sorry to hear that trauma has led you here, but am hopeful that being here will serve as a reminder that you are never alone and that many are in the same boat.  

I think that one day you will be ready to share with the man you love, but until then, please continue to take things at your own pace.  Maybe you can let him know that there are some things in your past/history that you'd like very much to tell him but need for him to stay patient with you - he seems to have already accepted things for how they are now and I am so glad to hear that you have his continued love and support.  Sounds like you've got a good one! :) 

Please take your time looking around and when you're ready, we will all be here and ready to listen and support.

Again, welcome.

Best wishes,
Capulet

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Welcome, @Kady.  I think self-forgiveness can be really powerful, and I'm glad you are finding some of that.  You will find lots of support here as well, and finding out you are not alone with certain experiences can make a huge difference.

I don't think you are weaker after falling in love.  New things, and especially in areas like intimacy, bring new challenges, and it can feel like we've stepped back or are not as strong, but it is because we are reaching for something that maybe before was too scary or challenging.

I wish you the best in your continued healing.

 

 

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Dear @Kady,

The beauty about After Silence is that you don't need to "know what you're doing" - just know we're here and that you are free to share as little or as much as you have a feeling to.  There are many kind and supportive people here who understand what it's like.  

I hope we can help you feel comfort and healing.  You are not alone.

Blessings,

Gold Raindrops

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Hi Kady, welcome to AS.

I think you will soon find by coming here that there are many others who have the same doubts, fears, emotions and concerns as you do.

Those feelings that you have of anger, uncertainty, guilt and shame will be recognisable to a lot  of others here including me.

Just take things slowly, its step by step from here. I think if your partner truly loves you then he will understand if you decide to tell him.

But just see how you feel and don't be pressured into doing anything if you are not sure.

There is always someone here ready to listen.

I am so pleased that you have the Lord back in your life and hope His presence can bring comfort and guidance to you.

Stay strong x

 

 

 

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7 hours ago, Kady said:

I’ve been to therapy and after six years it still feels like it happened yesterday. My family doesn’t understand and I don’t know where else to go to try to feel normal. I have given my life back to God and yet I’m still so angry with myself. Angry for letting it happen, not trying harder to stop it and angry that I wasn’t strong enough to report it. They may be out there hurting others because I was too afraid to come forward. Afraid of how people would look at me and how others would feel about me. I know it’s not my fault but I can’t seem to move forward in my life because I can’t forget. I have chosen to forgive, not for the, but for me, and that has helped. I was stronger until I fell in love. He offered me a safe haven and yet I still feel alone and don’t know how to be a good girlfriend. I want to start a family but I feel like there is something g unloveable about me even though he tells me he loves me. I don’t think he can until he knows and understands what I’ve been through. Should I sit him down and pour out my heart or should it be a secret I carry with me forever??

Hi Kady,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for what happened to you six years ago. It was wrong and not fair. Unfortunately these feelings you have are far too common among survivors. For the record tho, you did not let it happen. Our reactions are not planed actions, but the only ones we feel capable at the time. There is unfortunately a stigma attached to not fighting of fleeing the trauma...but many of us don't. We survived. I was one of those people who froze. I do understand how hard it is too rationalize...but there was nothing rational about someone hurting or disrespecting you. I am glad tho, that you have found someone...obviously you are indeed lovable! Take your time with it, as you become closer I think you will begin to know when to tell him...and it may be all at once or a piece here and there. This is your choice, based on your comfort level. I do wish you the best with him and your journey of healing.

Mary

:youcanheal: 

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Hi and Welcome to AS @Kady! I'm sorry for what brings you here. You have found a supportive, understanding community here. Take your time with sharing with your partner and do so when and if you feel ready. I wish you lots of courage as you walk your healing journey!  :aswelcomesu:

Kind regards,

AKB

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Thank you all for your words of encouragement and I am thankful that I was led to After Silence. I feel like it will be one of my better decisions so far in helping heal and live after what happened. 

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On 2/28/2019 at 11:05 PM, Kady said:

I’ve been to therapy and after six years it still feels like it happened yesterday. My family doesn’t understand and I don’t know where else to go to try to feel normal. I have given my life back to God and yet I’m still so angry with myself. Angry for letting it happen, not trying harder to stop it and angry that I wasn’t strong enough to report it. They may be out there hurting others because I was too afraid to come forward. Afraid of how people would look at me and how others would feel about me. I know it’s not my fault but I can’t seem to move forward in my life because I can’t forget. I have chosen to forgive, not for the, but for me, and that has helped. I was stronger until I fell in love. He offered me a safe haven and yet I still feel alone and don’t know how to be a good girlfriend. I want to start a family but I feel like there is something g unloveable about me even though he tells me he loves me. I don’t think he can until he knows and understands what I’ve been through. Should I sit him down and pour out my heart or should it be a secret I carry with me forever??

First of all I want to welcome you and tell you how brave this welcome post is.  I at first struggled to respond because I know all to well the shame of having not reported and the anger of not "having done" enough to stop it or not knowing it was gonna happen I know that fear of what if they are out there hurting others. I too choose to forgive them give it to God and try to continue on with life. You are not alone and there is healing and peace, its hard but you have a whole community here now to get extra support and love, you can do this and continue on your healing journey. I am really encouraged to see that you have found 💘, I can only imagine how hard it is to trust that safety.  I would suggest talking to your therapist about how to tell him as if maybe he can come in so you are supported while talking to him about it, and he can get some very good insight on how to support you and express love to you.  I'm glad you joined us on AS and look forward to seeing you grow.

BraveOne

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  • 3 weeks later...

So my life has made a few changes. My loving relationship is falling apart due to the fact that the love of my life seems to love drinking more than me. I thought we could overcome anything because we loved each other but the truth is sometimes love isn’t enough. He gets angry when he drinks and he treats me worse than my attacker did. That’s when I knew it was time to get out and give him time to find his way. It has been hard but my relationship has made me stronger and that is why I made the decision to speak up against what happened to me 5 years ago. I was in the military when it happened and I talked to the nice woman I had filed a restricted report with back then, and she told me there is no statute of limitations in the military for such things. So I changed my report this week and am going to have to relive the events of that night and others as well during this process. She told me to write down what happened so it would be easier to tell my story when the investigators contact me. As some may know writing it down and talking about it is like reliving it. I was taught that the more I am able to speak out about it the more power I am getting back from those that made me feel powerless. I am sure it will not be easy but I am thankful to have found this site so that I have others to turn to that know what I am feeling. It’s hard to tell someone that has never gone through it because I feel like they look at me with the same look I used to give myself, the look of shame. I don’t want people to feel sorry and so I have kept it to myself for so long. It’s time that I take a stand to make sure my silence doesn’t allow it to happen to someone else. I am a Law Enforcement major in college and we have been discussing, in great detail, criminal sexual conduct, or rape to most people. My instructor actually helped me to see that if I want to be able to help victims as a cop I need to take a stand myself and be able to move on knowing that justice will be served. I want attackers to know that no means no and that no one deserves to be taken advantage of, as was the factor in my situation. I listened to the horror stories and what people go through and realized that it could have been so much worse for me. My instructor said that being passive and not fighting back may keep the violence down but make the event last longer. Alcohol was my factor and that’s why I got sober. I decided that I will never make myself that vulnerable again and just because I didn’t fight back doesn’t mean that I deserved to be assaulted. So thank you to those who have offered me words of encouragement so far and I hope I will continue to get just as much support as I go through the process of seeking justice for what happened to me. As for my relationship, I have hope still that God will show him the light of happiness but he needs to see it on his own. I know he is a good person but he is hiding behind the alcohol rather than dealing with what is hurting him emotionally. I recognize his pain but perhaps for different reasons. I hope one day to be with him again but only God knows the future and I have finally given Him the control of my life again. Feels good to have that weight lifted. 

 

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