Where to start

[Trihedral]

Thanks so much for allowing me into the Secondary Survivor community.  I'm a male whose partner recommended this site as she's been on it for some time as a Survivor herself.  I have a great deal of unsaid words and unexpressed emotion for which I've been casting about a place to let it out.

I am really struggling to deal with some things that have happened recently, even though I have known about her sexual assault since soon after we began dating.  I will need every bit of help and advice anyone can offer.  

And although I trust her 100%, I'm not ready for her to hear my deepest thoughts just yet.  Are Survivors able to browse this part of the forum, or is it restricted to supporters and secondaries like me?  

Thank you all.

[WhoAmI?]

I can completely understand why you may not be ready for her to hear everything just yet.  This site is amazing for that very reason.  I had never opened up and shared my whole story with anyone so this site helped me to do that and I feel it's already started a healing process for me. 

I'll have to let a moderator answer your question because I'm honestly not sure what the answer is.  It shows above that you posted in Public: Welcome so I'd say the forum you posted in is public and anyone could browse this part of the forum. 

Anyway, welcome to AS.  I'm sorry for the reason you are here but glad you are if that make sense. 

[silentg]

3 hours ago, Trihedral said:

Thanks so much for allowing me into the Secondary Survivor community.  I'm a male whose partner recommended this site as she's been on it for some time as a Survivor herself.  I have a great deal of unsaid words and unexpressed emotion for which I've been casting about a place to let it out.

I am really struggling to deal with some things that have happened recently, even though I have known about her sexual assault since soon after we began dating.  I will need every bit of help and advice anyone can offer.  

And although I trust her 100%, I'm not ready for her to hear my deepest thoughts just yet.  Are Survivors able to browse this part of the forum, or is it restricted to supporters and secondaries like me?  

Thank you all.

Hi @Trihedral,

Welcome to AS!   I am sorry that your partner experienced trauma and for the effects it has on you and likely your relationship. I am glad you are here,  and just by reading through the secondary forum and other threads you may find some of your questions answered or feelings validated.  It is a good place to learn more about how to support your partner and get some advice .  Survivor members do have access to the secondaries forum however.  You can ask her not to look at the specific board for Secondaries,  if you two can agree on something there that would be ideal but-  we can't guarantee that it won't be seen by your partner.  It can be tricky when you and your partner are on the same site. There are likely ways to work it out though,  and there are other forums too.

The only thing I can think of that might help, is if you post in the Secondaries forum,  and describe your situation a bit, and ask if anyone would be willing to pm with you about your questions or your feelings, then someone might engage in supporting you by private message that no other members (except moderators) could see - but that is up to them.  

I hope this helps and I wish you the best in supporting your partner and coming to terms with your own feelings about her trauma and how it may affect your relationship.

Edited November 27, 2018 by silentg
corrected information

[waterlily13]

Hi @Trihedral, welcome!

I second everything that @silentg said.  This is a very safe place, with very kind, helpful people, I hope you are able to find the peace and comfort that you need  

xWaterlily

[Kmkz]

Welcome to AS @Trihedral, hopefully you find a safe and comfortable way to express and process your emotions. This is a supportive, caring and safe site. Wishing you both all the best on your paths to healing. 

[Capulet]

Welcome to AfterSilence, @Trihedral! 

It truly makes my heart happy to see a Secondary Survivor sign up - it is always wonderful to see that there are registrations created for the purpose of seeking out ways to successfully support someone you care about who is a survivor of some form of trauma.  I am sure that you will find that there is lots of feedback to be gained from being here and conversing with both survivors as well as with other secondaries.  

If there's anything I can help you with, please feel free to use the Help Desk (that is only visible to the site's administrators and moderators) or you may send me or any other staff member a private message.  But @silentg is correct - a survivor CAN see the Secondary Survivor forums and there's no guarantee that your partner will not come across it.  I do have to say honesty is the best policy, perhaps you can work out an agreement amongst yourselves that you will not read each other's posts for a while as you're both trying to figure out some things individually?  And of course, as always, you should keep communicating offline in addition to utilizing the site's benefits - that's usually the absolute best way to support one another.

Anyway - welcome!!  I hope you are finding the site to be a helpful resource, so far!

- Capulet

 

[Struggling88]

Hi, Trihedral, and welcome!