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GentleDiplodocus

Hi, a little scared and feel like an imposter

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Hello there,

I’m 24 and live in the UK. Without going into detail I was abused from the age of 8 to 18. I feel weird even just saying that though. “Abused” What happened to me wasn’t violent and I always just froze and let it happen. There were even times  (and I feel such shame admitting this) when I thought it was grown up and exciting even if a little scary, so I feel like when I say “abused” I’m lying somehow or belittling the experiences of people who did suffer violence. Also, he was only ten when it started so I don’t even feel fully comfortable blaming him, although this happened when I was ‘asleep’ so he can’t have thought it was consensual and the last time it happened he was 20. I don’t know. A lot of conflicted feelings and confusion.  

Anyway, I’m a bit nervous about joining this community because of that and also because I’m worried if I stop repressing and start addressing what happened I’ll just feel worse, especially since I’ve never confronted him and still see him regularly. I’m hoping this community will be good for me though.  

Sorry if this was too long. I ramble when I’m nervous. I’m really looking forward to meeting you all.  

Diplodocus x

Edited by GentleDiplodocus

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Hi and welcome.  It makes sense that you’re nervous, and you can take all the time you need to look around, get to know the site, and decide how much or how little you would like to share.  You are welcome here!

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Hi GentleDiplodocus,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for the trauma you've endured, bu you have found a very supportive site.  Our members are understanding and kind. Firstly, please know that freezing is an unspoken but very common response and you are not alone. Secondly, violence can be more than physical injuries. Personally, I think the psychological and emotional violence can often outweighs and outlast those physical injuries we have gone thru. Also, please know that when abuse starts at an early age, it often has confusing effects on a developing mind. How we react and who we perceive things are often skewed. So please know that your experiences are validated here. You did nothing wrong. Take your time in looking over the site. I wish you the best on a journey of healing.

Mary

:youcanheal: 

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I am sorry that you belong on this site at all- but know this- you DO belong and you are not alone. Never discount your own trauma. While  your experience and mine (or others) may be different what brings us here is the same. We all feel similarly and our trauma impacts us all in similar ways. Your feelings are valid. And you are not rambling. It’s carhartic to get it out. :) so welcome and like others have said peruse the site and enjoy the comradarie of a great group of people. 

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Thank you all so much for your replies. I really needed to hear that I have a right to feel traumatised by what happened. That sounds weird, but I guess the fact that I only hated it half of the time or only allowed myself to hate it and feel scared half the time has always made me feel like it’s my fault. And I know that’s really common among r* survivors but I’ve just always felt like I don’t count as a survivor so it really means a lot to me to be welcomed here and told my feelings are valid :) 

Edited by GentleDiplodocus

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@GentleDiplodocus Welcome!! You are definitely not an imposter and as you have guessed you are not alone in feeling the way you do. I understand the need to be validated and the relief you might feel when others confirm that your experience counts, and your pain is not insignificant in any way. Although nobody wants to have experienced what you have gone through, feeling like you are lying or exaggerating is often even worse. Especially because the pain is real, whatever way it expresses itself. I hope you find lots of validation and comfort here. You deserve it :)

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On 17/09/2018 at 3:00 AM, GentleDiplodocus said:

Hello there,

I’m 24 and live in the UK. Without going into detail I was abused from the age of 8 to 18. I feel weird even just saying that though. “Abused” What happened to me wasn’t violent and I always just froze and let it happen. There were even times  (and I feel such shame admitting this) when I thought it was grown up and exciting even if a little scary, so I feel like when I say “abused” I’m lying somehow or belittling the experiences of people who did suffer violence. Also, he was only ten when it started so I don’t even feel fully comfortable blaming him, although this happened when I was ‘asleep’ so he can’t have thought it was consensual and the last time it happened he was 20. I don’t know. A lot of conflicted feelings and confusion.  

Anyway, I’m a bit nervous about joining this community because of that and also because I’m worried if I stop repressing and start addressing what happened I’ll just feel worse, especially since I’ve never confronted him and still see him regularly. I’m hoping this community will be good for me though.  

Sorry if this was too long. I ramble when I’m nervous. I’m really looking forward to meeting you all.  

Diplodocus x

Hi,

im sorry that u have been through that, safe hugs :hug: if ok?

welcome to as.

Your not alone, some of us have been through stuff like that I know I have.

dont feel like an imposter .

 

free

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Welcome. Your experience is real and it has impacted you or you will not be here. We are all on the same boat and helping each other heal. Shame and undermining be experience and burying it is what I have felt with my whole life as well.but what you and I and everyone in site feel is real and it is impacting us everyday. No one will understand who has not gone through similar thing, and we need each other to validate each other experiences and say that everything you are feeling is real and valid and needs to come out. I encourage you to keep going with sharing.

so much love to you

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