Hello!

[minkowski]

Greetings, 

I am here out of pure desperation. I am a male, I am a scientist and I travelled all around the world, helping people, solving problems. 

My best friend is the victim here. She is the most intelligent, determined, compassionate and honourable person I know. Trust me when I say, I know a lot of people.

I have a lot of knowledge about a lot of subjects, but I have no idea how to help her. I have been trying to talk to people, researching, studying, but so far I have had no epiphany yet. She will only talk to me. She refuses therapy of any kind and she could have the best doctors in the world to treat her. I've done my best so far but I need help. I desperately need help so I can save her life. She has already admitted she's losing the fight.

I fear the worst may eventually happen. I need to know how people, women or men cope with such an assault on their physical and psychological integrity. 

I thank you all for having me. Hopefully I may be of some help to someone as well.

[MeBeMary]

Hi minkowski,

Welcome to AS. Thank you for being a good friend to this woman. Many times trauma experiences like this is minimized and not understood by others who have not experienced it. Even when someone supports and sympathized, understanding is still very difficult.  I know you want to help her or as you say, you want to save her life. I know your intention is good, and I hope you don't take this the wrong way. You can't. I know you want to, but you can't fix a trauma.

She is speaking to you, which is a very good thing. She hasn't shut down completely. She wants and needs your support, which means that you are there for her. Let her speak. Do not judge her, her actions, or her emotions. You can encourage her speaking to a therapist, but do not push her. That is a decision only she can make. I know this is not the answer you were hoping for. Healing is not easy, but it is something each of us has to do for ourselves. Support and friendship tho is a true benefit to her. Even if you feel it's not enough.

I'm sorry she was hurt and I am sorry you are watching her hurt. I do wish you both the best.

Mary

 

[QuietPainter]

I think it sounds like you're an awesome friend to her! Sometimes I know myself I just need someone to listen to me and believe me. That's huge. I hope you find what you need here

[minkowski]

8 hours ago, MeBeMary said:

Hi minkowski,

Welcome to AS. Thank you for being a good friend to this woman. Many times trauma experiences like this is minimized and not understood by others who have not experienced it. Even when someone supports and sympathized, understanding is still very difficult.  I know you want to help her or as you say, you want to save her life. I know your intention is good, and I hope you don't take this the wrong way. You can't. I know you want to, but you can't fix a trauma.

She is speaking to you, which is a very good thing. She hasn't shut down completely. She wants and needs your support, which means that you are there for her. Let her speak. Do not judge her, her actions, or her emotions. You can encourage her speaking to a therapist, but do not push her. That is a decision only she can make. I know this is not the answer you were hoping for. Healing is not easy, but it is something each of us has to do for ourselves. Support and friendship tho is a true benefit to her. Even if you feel it's not enough.

I'm sorry she was hurt and I am sorry you are watching her hurt. I do wish you both the best.

Mary

 

Thank you for your kind words.

I understand the trauma, physiologically speaking. I understand how the brain works after a PTSD, scientifically speaking. I just don't have the words, or rather, I'm afraid of hurting her mind even more by speaking the wrong words. I don't want to trigger anything that may make her feel worst . I've heard what she has to say. There is no way of convincing her to talk to a therapist. As I said, I could make sure she would have the best professional help in a few hours. She's as stubborn as she's determined and intelligent. I've known her for quite some time and I know for sure there is no way she will see a therapist. There are other reasons and factors behind her decision to not see a professional. Privacy.

I trembled when you said there is no way to fix a trauma. I know it's true though. But I need to try something. I know it will be a long process but since I've wasted years of my life helping people I don't know, I will dedicate all my remaining "energy" on her and her alone. I know a complete healing is wishful thinking, but she's a strong woman and she's handled a lot of bad stuff.

Thank you again

 

[minkowski]

7 hours ago, QuietPainter said:

I think it sounds like you're an awesome friend to her! Sometimes I know myself I just need someone to listen to me and believe me. That's huge. I hope you find what you need here

Well, I've managed to talk to someone, finally. You know, I kind of feel guilty myself for what happened to her. Things could have gone very differently in my head. It's not only friendship and love, it's a sense of duty towards her.

[MeBeMary]

Even tho I said there is no way to fix a trauma, it doesn't mean she can't heal and still have a better future. I meant that as you can't erase what has happened. She will have to deal with the effects of the trauma in her own way and her own time. She will not be the same as she once was, none of us are. Continue to be her friend. Let her lead in what and how she moves forward and let her know you aren't going anywhere. Words can be difficult, but just let her know you will sit with her and listen when she wants and needs to. Friendship and support may not seem like much, but believe me, it can be. Many survivors do not have that support or the judgment free zone. She did nothing wrong, but sometimes it feels like the world is against you. Sometimes our own mind can fool us too, which is another fight altogether. Just keep being the friend you are. Believe me, it is appreciated.

[minkowski]

31 minutes ago, MeBeMary said:

Even tho I said there is no way to fix a trauma, it doesn't mean she can't heal and still have a better future. I meant that as you can't erase what has happened. She will have to deal with the effects of the trauma in her own way and her own time. She will not be the same as she once was, none of us are. Continue to be her friend. Let her lead in what and how she moves forward and let her know you aren't going anywhere. Words can be difficult, but just let her know you will sit with her and listen when she wants and needs to. Friendship and support may not seem like much, but believe me, it can be. Many survivors do not have that support or the judgment free zone. She did nothing wrong, but sometimes it feels like the world is against you. Sometimes our own mind can fool us too, which is another fight altogether. Just keep being the friend you are. Believe me, it is appreciated.

I'd gladly give my life for her without hesitation. That is how I think, how I feel. Honour, science and loyalty. It's not only about that though, it's about true Love. Not the romantic Love, but the real Love for a friend, for an exceptional person. Ah, I wish you guys could know her. Or rather, could know her before all this happened.

The "procedure" I was going to try was to expose her to everything that happened that day. Write it down, repeat it out loud. The problem with sexual abuse is that our brain doesn't have a spot for it, like it has for so many different things. It doesn't understand it. What I want to do is for her to acknowledge what happen and learn to deal with it. That is done by consistently expose her to her own interpretation of what happened. 

Edit: Socratic Questioning

Edited September 5, 2018 by minkowski

[Struggling88]

Hi, minkowski, and welcome! 

[minkowski]

Thank you

[MeBeMary]

15 hours ago, minkowski said:

The "procedure" I was going to try was to expose her to everything that happened that day. Write it down, repeat it out loud. The problem with sexual abuse is that our brain doesn't have a spot for it, like it has for so many different things. It doesn't understand it. What I want to do is for her to acknowledge what happen and learn to deal with it. That is done by consistently expose her to her own interpretation of what happened. 

Do not try anything without her permission. You take away her control and you will make things worse. I know you said you wished her to see a therapist, but because she won't, please please please don't try to be one to her yourself. You are not. It would be very inappropriate for you to try and take on that role.

[Hoping8]

Her consent, her timing, her control are what matter.  

Maybe talking to a professional about your own needs and feelings would help you to put them in perspective?  You are going to need support too, and it concerns me that you talk about “blackmailing” her with your own health in an attempt to get her to do what you want/need her to do.  Likewise the idea of performing a “procedure” that she is not asking for.  She gets to choose.

Edited September 6, 2018 by Hoping8

[minkowski]

6 hours ago, MeBeMary said:

Do not try anything without her permission. You take away her control and you will make things worse. I know you said you wished her to see a therapist, but because she won't, please please please don't try to be one to her yourself. You are not. It would be very inappropriate for you to try and take on that role.

Yes, I promised yesterday I wouldn't do anything else without her permission. I did mess up yesterday. I won't take the role of a therapist, even if I was highly trained in this I wouldn't be able to be effective.

Patience and a lot of Love.

Read here for more details.

Edited September 6, 2018 by minkowski

[minkowski]

5 hours ago, Hoping8 said:

Her consent, her timing, her control are what matter.  

Maybe talking to a professional about your own needs and feelings would help you to put them in perspective?  You are going to need support too, and it concerns me that you talk about “blackmailing” her with your own health in an attempt to get her to do what you want/need her to do.  Likewise the idea of performing a “procedure” that she is not asking for.  She gets to choose.

In the beginning I was so enraged with the whole thing, I didn't understand why she wouldn't see a therapist. I told her that if she wouldn't see a therapist, I wouldn't see a doctor either. I was stabbed twice. On my neck and right arm. The wounds infected and that is when I told her I would only go to the doctor if she talked to someone. She started talking to me. Alas, I was still very shocked with everything that had happened the days before. It won't happen again. I'm here talking about this with her permission, even though she says it is a waste of time.

I kind of tell the story in parts here

Edited September 6, 2018 by minkowski