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Hannahliel

Trying to understand what happened

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Hi, 

Last night I was in a really dark place as I had to report a man to the police for raping and beating me. I feel a lot of guilt for what happened because I didn't fight. As he choked me out I didn't even struggle. My brother molested me as a child as well and I think that has to do with why I didn't fight back. I just feel worthless. Like I am just here for other people to do whatever they want and I don't get a choice. Since I didn't fight back I didn't believe I could report him for what he did. He abused me for about two weeks. I had bruises all over. I just was too afraid to do anything and it makes me feel horrible. 

Anyways I was referred here by the suicide help line and I'm hoping to find some help from people on here. 

Thanks, 

HD

 

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Hello, @Hannahliel,

Welcome to AS.  I'm so sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here, but am glad you've found us.  This is a fantastic site filled with people who understand the effects of what you've been through....no two backgrounds are identical, but we share a common pain that we are all trying to heal from and to make sense of our own inner questions.  

First off, not fighting does not equal consent - there are many reasons that we stop fighting, perhaps it will take some thinking and digging to figure out your own reason.  As stated, you have some previous experience with sexual assault; you may have momentarily felt as if you were a child again and what happened reminded you of your brother.  Either way, remember this, always....just because you didn't have the energy or mental willpower to fight this man does NOT mean you had a choice or that what he did to you was right.  He was 100 percent wrong!

I am SO proud of you for building up to filing the report.  I know that is a very difficult thing to do - some people do not.  I did not.  (It's too late for me to attempt that now.)  And so when I read about others' bravery and courage (I know, it doesn't FEEL that way, but make no mistake - it is absolutely the case!) I have instant respect for them.

Stay strong!!!  I hope you'll let us know how everything goes for you.

Capulet

 

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Hi Hannahliel,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for the trauma you have endured, both as a child and now. What happened to you was very wrong, and as Capulet has said, not fighting back does not make it your fault. You would be surprised how often it happens, even tho it is the least talked about reaction to a trauma. Some are able to fight, some are able to take flight, but others like you (and myself, as well) freeze. Freezing is not consent and does not reverse the blame from the guilty parties to you. I am glad that you were referred to our site. Please look around and see that your reactions and your emotions are normal for the horrific things you experienced. You are worthy and you are not alone. I wish you the very best as you begin this journey of healing.

Mary

:notalone: 

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Hi! I'm new here too. I'm sorry we've both experienced horrible things that brought us here, but no longer than I've been here I think this is a good and safe place. I hope we find the help and healing we need. Hang in there :)

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Hello,  i'm glad you found this place and I hope you come back when you need support.

 

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Hi!  I am so glad you called a hotline for help, and that they sent you here.  You’ll find lots of support and company here, and just being among people who understand is very powerful for me.  

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