New: Hope Over Experience

[Hase]

Hello, I feel so ashamed, afraid, and alone. 

I feel a need to share my experiences in the hope that someone can understand and accept me.  I have many questions.

In real life, I have kept silent because I fear being judged, blamed, or rejected.  

I began confiding in a woman who loved me by asking, "How would you feel if I was raped?"

She replied, "You are such a good girl that I know that it could not happen to you."  So I said no more.

I wondered again if I had really been raped.  I already blamed myself for what had happened to me.

I still feel much more like a victim than a survivor (which is trivially true).

I hope that I can learn enough here to help make my future happier than my past.   Thanks for listening.

[BraveOne]

Welcome to AS @Hase. It was incredibly Brave of you to join and to make your first post! AS is full of warm friendly understanding people that are extremely caring and supportive. I am so sorry for the past trauma that brought you here. Your not alone in the keeping quiet many of us here have, myself included. Its ok to still feel like a victim we all go through our own unique processes and this takes time. Here at AS we are all on our own journey some may be a little ahead some a little behind where ever you are at on yours is 100% acceptable here, we are here to support and care for one another.

BraveOne

[Capulet]

Welcome to AS.  This is an awesome community and the people here are very supportive.  You're very brave to take these first steps toward healing - and these are the hardest ones, too!

I hope being here brings you peace, comfort and healing in addition to whatever clarity you seek.

Best wishes, and again, welcome!
Capulet

 

[Hoping8]

Glad to meet you, and I bet you’ll find lots of people here who accept you and believe in you.  I look forward to hearing more from you!

[Hase]

Thanks very much for all the kind words and good wishes.

"Hase" means "hare" in German.  My personality has been likened to a rabbit's: gentle, sweet, timid, full of life and yet easy to hurt (sigh).

Many people look down on rabbits as weaklings.  Yet I admire them for being resourceful enough to survive in a world full of predators.

Nature has made many kinds of creatures, and I acknowledge that some of us have more reasons than others to be afraid.

 

"Brave" is about the last word that would describe me.  It actually can trigger me in a way when said in the wrong tone.

I did not resist, defending my "honor", like a storybook heroine should.  I know that I am vulnerable and violable, and I submitted to the man.

Sensing that I might be close to breaking down and crying (which could make him uncomfortable), he said, "Be a brave girl, my dear."

So I was able to hold  myself together and just become an actress to please him.  Then he told me, "Good girl!"

Now I can recall how and why I was called a "brave girl" and a "good girl".  Their meanings cannot be always the same for me.

Of course, I don't mind it when well-meaning people use these words as compliments to describe me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Struggling88]

Hi, Hase, and welcome!