1 year anniversary

[NotrustMoco17]

Today is the 1 year anniversary of my rape. I feel alone, scared, ashamed that going out on a date or to hang out completely destroyed me. All it took is 1 selfish individual to ruin me. I haven't slept it seems like in a year. I've spent a year crying, in pain, in torment while he gets to go about life normal. My heart feels like it's shattering all over again. I wasn't drunk,  I wasn't high. I was simply a customer at a beer and wine store and went to buy beer only to be lied to in order to give my phone number to someone who worked there. Someone I'd been nice to several times. Within 24hrs of getting my number he raped me on my period. I freaked out didn't report it for 6 days. Found out the hard way the law is rarely on a woman's side and he is free. Breathing, eating, sleeping normal. Meanwhile I haven't been able to work since my assault and now face eviction. All by myself no family. How how how?

[Hoping8]

Can you take some deep breaths and watch your stomach rise and fall?  Find a soft toy to snuggle or a pillow to hit?  Is there a song or a story that you could listen to?  What can you smell in the air right now?  If you get really quiet, how many sounds can you pick out around you?  

You are so strong to have made it so far!  You’re smart to reach out for support here too.

[Struggling88]

Hi, NotrustMoco17, and welcome! I’m so sorry for what you went through. It was not your fault. You are not alone here. Safe hugs, if okay. 

[NotrustMoco17]

Thank you for your kind words. It sucks that anyone has to go thru this and the more research I do I find I am not alone. May we all find peace and healing 😢

[NotrustMoco17]

5 hours ago, Hoping8 said:

Can you take some deep breaths and watch your stomach rise and fall?  Find a soft toy to snuggle or a pillow to hit?  Is there a song or a story that you could listen to?  What can you smell in the air right now?  If you get really quiet, how many sounds can you pick out around you?  

You are so strong to have made it so far!  You’re smart to reach out for support here too.

I stayed up for 21hrs yesterday until thus morning. Remembering that on 8/10/17 all I did was walk into a store, was asked for my # under false pretenses, specifically telling the person I wasn't interested in dating anyone but I was focused on other things. I let this person beg and ask me to just be my friend and ask me out to dinner as a new friend. The next night 8/11/17 I found myself on the 1st day of my cycle, forcing myself to go out and allowing a person whose name I had just learned the night before violate me in the worst way. I quit my job, went back to work to save money to move out of state just to stick around for an investigation that was never happening. I let a female detective lie to me only to find out from the states attorneys office itself that there was no investigation. I was led on for 5 1/2 months thinking I would get justice and I didnt. I continue to live in the same neighborhood vicinity and only minutes away from the scene. Walking outside my surroundings, the smell of the air it all smells the same as 8/11/17. To know that the perp apologised via text then only to recant and lie to police and not having them press charges it all smells the same. 

I find that just sleeping thru the day when i can sleep is my only comfort. Not wanting to wake up and feel the reality of the pain, the reality if the situation is something I wish on nobody not even my worst enemy. It's debilitating in every human form. Not being able to pay your bills, sharing your story over and over, having people tell you to get over it and that life's not fair, having to beg people to let you borrow money just so you can have bare necessities, turning down jobs and interviews because you can't function. I mean the list goes on and on for victims and the perps get to walk 95% of the time. I still have flashbacks seeing him rip my jeans, my clothes off, remembering his voice, his strength on top of me saying who was i to say no to him.  Nothing helps 

[NotrustMoco17]

Thank you both for reaching out. Even though i feel weak hopefully I will regain my strength 

[patriciag]

Hi NottustMoco , welcome to AS. I am very sorry for what happened to you. It's not right what he did and the court system was not there for you. All of us here understand triggers and they are so hard. 

It's important for you to know you did nothing wrong.i agree with @Hoping8 try to find a smell that you like, for me it's pepermint. When I can't sleep I will but a little on my pillow. I find music to be very powerful to me, at times i will play a song over and over, do you have a favourite singer. These are little things you can do.

I am sorry to say you can't change what happened to you but know you are not alone in this journey of healing.  Many here understand what you are going through and we are here for you. 

Patricia 

[NotrustMoco17]

Thank you @patriciag and @Hoping8 for the thoughts. Funny enough I use to choreograph in the past and although my strength isn't there to dance joyfully in front of my mirror anymore and go to a studio, 1 thing for sure is music has helped me a lot. I put my headphones on for hours sometimes like you said repeating the same songs over and over to lift my spirits and remember what life was like before that day. Most days it helps, but when I get the sense that I'm too happy I look in the mirror and see a person who once use to workout 6 days a week whose gained 30lbs. Food has also unfortunately been a comfort. But thru many nights of prayer, studying my bible, listening to music those are the little yet big things that have helped me. It's unfortunate that we have to have forums like this where waaaay to many of us have similar stories but I'm glad for them because at least I know this feeling is not unique this experience is 1 of many I've read over and over. I'm hoping and praying to get on a better path trying to understand myself better and trying to let go of the anger. I hopefully will start working out again because running is definitely an escape to clear the mind. 

[Hoping8]

What songs???  I’ll listen to them with you!  “ )

Edited August 12, 2018 by Hoping8
I don’t want to seem to be pushing, just offering, ‘cause no way am I gonna get off of my couch and DANCE!

[NotrustMoco17]

Lol thanks for making me laugh. I listen to a variety. I go from Beyonce and all her girl power music, to Jlos ex Marc Anthony to make me feel lively to 2pac, usher, jay z, to country like faith evans and shania twain or anything I can imagine myself dancing too. I'll usually do a 2 step here and there but again once I do feel somewhat happy I look in the mirror and realize I'm sooooo sad and I'm pushing myself to feel happy. It doesn't feel natural anymore it's like a forced "you can do this" thing and I snap out of it and get sad all over again. I use to choreograph a lot of reggae and African dances so those upbeat tempos bumping in my ears help put me in a safe place, a place I use to enjoy but can't now. I use to teach sexy classes, hip hop, slow sexy songs but those are so hard to dance to since everything about intimacy scares me now. But with that being said, I'm 33 years old and I still play video games or used to. I mainly wear jeans and t-shirts so I spent a year now trying to analyze every single outfit I wore to that store to see if I did anything to make him seek me out but the truth is I can't. I literally wear leggings and tees or jeans and tees and sweats and tees all the time unless I'm coming from work then I'm business professional. I say all that to say that unfortunately this person stole even that from me. My questioning what I could've  worn different, said differen, done different. The night it happened I was wearing jeans and a pashmina type of cape and a tank top underneath so it's by far the most difficult part to understand. It just has taken the joy out of everything 

[pattyr]

@NotrustMoco17 Sorry you are going through this aftermath of a horrendous crime. You are so right, it's not fair. I'm glad you can still enjoy and take comfort from music, even though it's not the same as before. Please remember that anniversaries can be especially hard. I wonder if you might find any access to counseling, through an advocacy center or rape crisis organization (I understand you don't have money right now. ). Sending you support, you are not alone. 

[Hoping8]

I’ve heard a lot of the music you mention, and I’ll look up some of the ones I don’t know.  You’re classes sound great; I love to dance, and love watching people dance.  I’m especially charmed when I see an elderly couple who move almost like one person in the old fashioned partner dances.  Sigh...

What if... when you start feeling happy dancing, what if THAT is the truth?  Are you sure it isn’t the mirror that is wrong?

And also what if... instead of thinking of it as forcing yourself and faking it, what if you are PRACTICING being happy?  Training, and rehearsing, and trying out a moment of joy?  

On a very practical note, I’ve managed to drag myself away from despair sometimes by literally posting and sending positive messages to myself—by email, text, on the background of my computer, scribbled on a grocery list... by the time I find them, I’ve kind of forgotten that I sent them, so I get a little pleasure from being “talked nice to”, and a little laugh out of being a goofball even when I’m distressed.  

I am thinking of you!  If you decide to turn that mirror to the wall and dance a step or two, I wanna hear about it!

[DakotaSun]

It’s one year since I left my perpetrator. We had been married 20 years. Behaviours escalated after I said I wanted to leave abd he raped me in my sleep just before 20th anniversary. It was profoundly shocking. Like you I had an apology after and texts  admitting it but I deleted all that I just wanted to leave and involved police by accident when he tried to exclude me from the kids lives and I asked Police if I could move back in and change locks while he was out. Police made me bring investigation but handled badly.People who haven’t been through think that if you share your story you will fall apart that you are vulnerable and weak in doing so. Wrong. It’s building resilience and courage.but choose carefully who to tell. It was not your fault. You did not deserve that. There’s this idea that men only respond to women’s cues that they can’t control themselves. It’s nonsense. There’s a notion that impact of an event makes it a crime when it comes to SA under uk law and if you seem strong to an officer investigating it didn’t happen or didn’t matter. No one says how upset you are is what makes burglary or murder a crime. But in SA cases that is exactly the logic. In court my healing process was used to dismiss me. I had over reflected on the experience was too articulate and too resentful. So one year more to sing out THIS IS ME.  Make no apology any more. Is my philosophy. I’m not going to tidy up my emotions. A bad day is a bad day and like you I’ll grieve it. Spotify is great for learning the music that helps and you can edit out triggers. Daily mix lifts me. You can do more than you know - look for achievements every day. I started with despite him I woke up. Despite him I got dressed and took care  of my appearance. I call a friend it’s a win. Make contact with SA outreach advisor or counsellor they do help but don’t go alone to it. ask A friend to hold your hand as you call them . Hand holding helped me so much when hugs were too much. Baby steps. Some will be backward but you are still here and you will thrive in time 

[NotrustMoco17]

Oh my goodness thank you so much for for sharing this part of your life. I am so sorry that this happened to you even worse it was a partner and someone you had kids with. But trust me when I tell you I more than understand your sentiments and I'm here with you and for you. Everything you said is absolutely correct. You are not a victim of sexual assault unless the police say so. If you are too calm,  if you leave out a detail you can't remember, if you don't have physical injuries, if you don't call police ASAP,  if you don't go to hospital right away, all those things the police are taught to believe you are lying or you're just another loose woman who provoked your assault and things didn't go your way so now you are screaming rape or assault. That is how they treated me. I went into shock and tried to commit suicide 4 days straight after the incident and by the time I shared it with a friend who advised me to report it, it was 6 days into it. The officer who took my report told me "are you sure you weren't asking for it and things just didn't go your way and now you're reporting it?" I thought to myself how does a female "ask for it" on her period, dressed and covered from head to toe not revealing anything,  simply accepted an invite to go have dinner with someone who begged her to get to know her as a friend.

Our bodies and minds respond differently during trauma and the more research I do the more I find my reactions were not unique, my response was how most victims respond. But the law is rarely ona woman's side. The police are taught that an accusation of such will ruin the man's life and we women are at fault for guess what? Being women! The law would rather see a rapist go on with a warning then to comfort a trauma victim. Yesterday and today I struggled to get out of bed. Have you ever felt so weak that you couldn't even lift a finger. Well that's how I felt for the last 2 days. It's like my body put itself in that moment it was in 1 year ago and I couldn't move,  I feel so weak no energy is what my mind and body feel like. 

But like you, I am trying my hardest to overcome, trying my hardest to heal and be happy and I know it'll take time but people who haven't been thru this don't understand the toll it takes on you. The feeling of worthlessness, powerlessness, the feeling of guilt and shame so they are quick to dismiss us. I thank you for sharing and encouragement and hopefully I will be able to soon see a therapist and get on a healthier path. But for now, I look at myself and say you are even lucky you survived a year. I am here if you'd like to to talk. Sending you hugs and xoxo

[NotrustMoco17]

@pattyr thank you for your warm and kind words. There isn't enough that I can say to express the pain and horror this has been, and I've had to get out of the it's not fair mode because article after article I read and do research on I find 1 more incident worse then mine. So I say to myself it could've been worse or I look at these young girls, defenseless babies who go thru it and I try and hold my head high and say at least you survived, at least this and at least that. But the truth is, it still hurts, watching your life crumble, watching yourself have no motivation to go on about life anymore. But, besides being a life lesson, a terrible journey, I do find comfort in knowing that God has the power to change any and everything for us. So thru music, meditation and lots and lots of prayer I have tried healing on my own. But you are absolutely correct in saying anniversaries are difficult because they way I've felt since Saturday is like my body and mind completely shut down on me. But in the last 3 days I've also realized I can't continue healing alone and definitely need to reach out even to a physical support group or seek therapy, it's just so draining repeating the same details over and over and over its like putting yourself in the scene all over again. But this time I have no choice because my body is literally giving up the fight and I think the only way now is going to be thru therapy. I appreciate your advice, kind words and support.  Sending you love and positive vibes as well

[NotrustMoco17]

@Hoping8 Thank you so much for the support. Like you I also enjoy dance to the fullest and watching people dance. When it comes to the mirror and looking at myself it's actually like I'm fighting to be happy but i look and I'm not. The sending yourself positive messages actually seems like a good idea I may do that. I laugh at myself sometimes when I good of at home or when I tell myself a joke. I grew up doing impressions so sometimes at home I'll look at something on tv and do an imitation or tell myself a quick joke and laugh so those little things help. I really do like the sending yourself notes and emails idea I think I'll really try that 😀

[Hoping8]

It works weirdly well—who better to believe in me than me!!??  Thank you for being in touch and telling your story—like I said at first, I am new here too, and your courage and honesty help me with my own doubts and worries.

[MeBeMary]

On 8/11/2018 at 3:36 PM, NotrustMoco17 said:

Today is the 1 year anniversary of my rape. I feel alone, scared, ashamed that going out on a date or to hang out completely destroyed me. All it took is 1 selfish individual to ruin me. I haven't slept it seems like in a year. I've spent a year crying, in pain, in torment while he gets to go about life normal. My heart feels like it's shattering all over again. I wasn't drunk,  I wasn't high. I was simply a customer at a beer and wine store and went to buy beer only to be lied to in order to give my phone number to someone who worked there. Someone I'd been nice to several times. Within 24hrs of getting my number he raped me on my period. I freaked out didn't report it for 6 days. Found out the hard way the law is rarely on a woman's side and he is free. Breathing, eating, sleeping normal. Meanwhile I haven't been able to work since my assault and now face eviction. All by myself no family. How how how?

Hi Notrust,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for the trauma you endured, but as you are finding, this is a very supportive site. It isn't fair that a selfish individual hurt you and you now struggle from his selfish act. I wish you the best as you continue on this healing path.

Mary