need someone who understands

[Looking for peace]

Hello,

I am new here and came because I am having a very hard time allowing myself to get into a new relationship and wonder if anyone has any helpful advice.

It took me a long time and some therapy to really except that my husband sexually abused me.  I felt like because he was not physically forcing me to have sex that what he was doing was ok.  He bullied me, put me on a sex schedule, would not sleep in the bed if I didn't want to have sex, toss and turn if he actually slept in the bed and would not let me go to sleep until I gave in.  Sex became something I hated and resented.  He ended up having an affair and blaming me because I was not any good.  I finally divorced him but I have  trust issues and I am scared to have a relationship because I have so many triggers. I really don't want to be alone but I don't know how to exist with a partner.  Any advice out there??

[Capulet]

Hi @Looking for peace, welcome to AS!

I too come from an abusive marriage - my ex-husband did not sexually abuse me, though - his was more of the emotional/controlling type.  Even so, it sounds like your ex-husband had some controlling tendencies/manipulation tactics (the bullying, when he wouldn't sleep in the bed with you until you gave in to sex, a schedule he 'expected' followed, etc) and I'm very happy to hear that you're no longer married to him.  You deserve so, so much better than that.

However, if you want my honest opinion/advice, I think you need to hold off on a romantic relationship and just be by yourself for a little while and work through some of the emotional wreckage that your ex-husband left in his wake.  

I am sensing that you have a myriad of trust issues, but this isn't surprising, considering the toxic relationship you just got out of.  I have these little issues with trust, too...so I do understand all of that.

I would definitely suggest seeing a T (therapist) if it's within your power to do so.  Just to talk out some of these feelings you're having.  I mean, this is a great place to turn to in order to meet people who are in the same boat, but sometimes we just need a little bit more.

If therapy is not an option right now, that's okay, too.    

Maybe you could focus on further developing your current relationships (even if they're just friendships) with the "safe" people in your life that you feel you can confide in, learn to trust, etc.  Make spontaneous plans with friends.  Schedule outings, meet for a meal, go shopping.  Enjoy yourself.  Do things that you want to do, that you CHOOSE to do, because you want to...because now, you're free.

I think, in time, you'll feel better about maybe starting a new relationship with someone, should this person come along.  I think that your being 'scared' is a strong indicator of your simply not being ready for a relationship beyond friendship right now, and that's okay.  Listen to yourself, acknowledge what your heart, body & mind is telling you.  When you're ready to take the next step, you will just know - that fear will have subsided a bit.  And your chances of it being a healthy relationship will be so, so much greater then.

That's just my opinion, feel free to take it all with a grain of salt.  I'm hoping others will chime in, soon.   

Again, welcome to AS!  I'm sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here but am happy to meet you.

Best wishes,
Capulet

 

[Looking for peace]

Thank you for the advice.  I have talked to a T and will most likely go back.  I have a very good friend who really does want to have a relationship and I worry that I will lose a very special person.  

 

[Ghostly Lilian]

Hi and welcome 

I pretty much agree with Capulet. Unluckily, that's not the kind of thing that you can wipe away with some advice.
Can't your friend wait? Does he know something? Could you just tell him that you don't want to lose him, but with your husband things didn't end in the best way and you need time before starting another relationship?
Make sure to be truly ready to make something sexual again before doing it, it could take a lot of time, and it could also be not so easy to figure out. Personal experience.

[Struggling88]

Hi, Looking for peace, and welcome! 

[BraveOne]

Hi @Looking for peace welcome to AS. Though I am sorry for the trauma that brought you here.I wish I had some advise to give you I have been single for a very long time avoiding relationships altogether its just easier for me to be alone. I do understand not wanting to be alone, and I am sure if your friend wants a lasting relationship they will be ready to wait for you to get a chance to start healing. I am glad to see that you have started with a therapist and I would say it would be a good thing to continue to work with a t while you go through this you could even talk to the T about your feelings. 

I want to point out AS is a safe place to share and receive/give support. Please take your time look around share at your pace. 

Edited June 5, 2018 by BraveOne

[MeBeMary]

On 6/4/2018 at 6:04 PM, Looking for peace said:

Hello,

I am new here and came because I am having a very hard time allowing myself to get into a new relationship and wonder if anyone has any helpful advice.

It took me a long time and some therapy to really except that my husband sexually abused me.  I felt like because he was not physically forcing me to have sex that what he was doing was ok.  He bullied me, put me on a sex schedule, would not sleep in the bed if I didn't want to have sex, toss and turn if he actually slept in the bed and would not let me go to sleep until I gave in.  Sex became something I hated and resented.  He ended up having an affair and blaming me because I was not any good.  I finally divorced him but I have  trust issues and I am scared to have a relationship because I have so many triggers. I really don't want to be alone but I don't know how to exist with a partner.  Any advice out there??

Hi Looking for peace,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for the trauma you experienced at the hands of your husband, but you have found a very supportive site. Even with him being your husband, he had no right. Physical force does not happen in all abuse cases and in more cases than not, it is by someone that you know and should trust. He broke that trust. I hope you find your way thru your triggers and struggles. I wish you the best on your healing journey.

Mary

 

[Looking for peace]

I really appreciate people to talk to who have the same type of experiences.  I have looked for support groups in my area and there are none close enough.  I think this is a good place for me.  @BraveOne I have felt the same way and been alone for awhile.  I am so much happier alone than I was with him that I was content to be by myself.  I am angry I cant feel the same way about men that I used to.  The guy in my life has been a friend for a long time, I actually knew him before my husband.  He has been very supportive but I think he is worried he is waiting and I may never be ready.  I am afraid I will never be ready.  

[Looking for peace]

Its wonderful to have a male opinion.  My ex made me feel like all men are just like him.  I learned how much I was manipulated once I was out of the relationship.  I often get angry that I didn't figure that out sooner.  I stayed in the relationship far too long and hate that I let him get away with so much.  I feel I am doing much better with my self esteem now and I have accepted that I have had trauma in my life and that it is not my fault but I have to deal with him on a regular basis because we have kids.  I am nice to him for the kids sake but that is very tough.  It's like healing and then ripping the scab off.  I definitely have triggers that cause me great anxiety.  I just hope it keeps getting better.  Thanks for listening