Confused

[Ghostly Lilian]

Hi, I'm new and..... I don't even know if I belong here. I still feel guilty for labeling myself as "survivor" when I sent my request for joining the community. I'm confused about what happened to me and I don't want to seem disrespectful towards anyone there if it should turn out that I'm just... taking it too seriously, that's it.

I'm 22, Not from an English speaking country, so I apologize in advance if it may take a lot of time and energy for me to read and answer to a thread or a message, which won't surely be written in my native language.

Anyway, just to make this post less depressing and less like a huge apology, I'll say something ordinary about myself 
I have lots of interests, especially in art, drama (acting, theater, that one), but I like to talk about and learn things about ancient history, geology, biology and astronomy. But my big love is psychology, and related neuroscience. I also enjoy dealing with children so much!  I love fantasy and dragons and yes, I'm sort of a goth, and I joke with children a lot around this, they usually find it peculiar and funny. Some of the youngest ones are sometimes a little scared at first, but they overcome it quickly  

Thanks for reading

[fallenstar]

Hi @Ghostly Lilian welcome to After Silence. I understand how all of this can be confusing, and often there are mixed feelings to go along with it all as well. It's nice to meet you! There are some members whose first language is not English here, too. I'm hoping that you find what you're looking for at this forum Best wishes for your healing!  

[silentg]

Hello @Ghostly Lilian,

Welcome to AS!  If you feel the need for support, then you belong here.  What happened to you has left you feeling traumatized and needing support, and we are here to listen and support you.  Many of us feel confused about what happened to us,  and AS can be a good place to start to understand more.  There must be reasons why you feel the way you do, or you would not seek out a site like this. So you are very welcome here,  and I wish you the best on your healing journey.

 

 

[Ghostly Lilian]

Thank you so much to both of you. Problem is... There were so many things in my life that make me feel bad also in the present, and I really don't know if one of them is what I'm confused about. Maybe I'm feeling in need of support for other things, or maybe, on the opposite side, I still don't realize the impact it had on me because my head refuses to. I don't really know what to think, and I feel really ashamed right now, for getting all this comprehension, kindness and support from people that really suffer and really struggle. What if I am wrong and nothing happened?

If someone other wrote this, I would think he would be talking like the typical gaslightening victim, but I feel so guilty that I could really give it up and run away as fast as I can.
Ok, I wrote it.

I feel I have absolutely no right to sneak in there and seek validation or support from people who went through such big and real and delicate troubles and to pretend I am one of them. Do I really need to? Was I really hurt so bad?
But yet, something happened, damn it. Maybe I just need some more time to realize it.

[Struggling88]

Hi, Ghostly Lilian, and welcome! 

[Ghostly Lilian]

Thank you struggling 

[MeBeMary]

Hi Lilian,

Welcome to AS. I am sorry for whatever happened to you. Please know you are validated here. Not one of us has the exact same trauma, but there is a thread that binds us all. When I first came, I thought as you. My trauma was minor...maybe I don't belong. But there were struggles and the members here were kind and understanding and accepted me, like they and I are accepting of you. You cannot think of maybe yours was not as bad...all abuse is bad. Many of us feel guilt and self-blame or somehow deserved this. This is a huge falsehood. Being hurt is not right or ok. Overcoming it takes time, but it all starts with one step, like this post. Reaching out is a big step and it is what I hope is one of many as you try to understand what happened to you, learn to know it is not your fault, and start a path of healing.

Mary

[Ghostly Lilian]

Thank you @MeBeMary, and thanks again to all of you. I feel a little better now.
The more I explore the forums, the more I feel home. I deeply understand so many posts, it definitely seems like I do share something with the community 

 

[Painnbroken]

Welcome to AS ghostly! I'm sorry for the trauma you've endured.  Take you're time look around say as much or as little as you like.  Many can relate in there own ways.  You have support here.  Best wishes on your healing journey.  

PB

[HonestHeart]

Just wanted to welcome you and say hi.  I'm one who almost always feels unwelcome and like I don't fit in anywhere (except for here), so I wanted to make a point of welcoming you.

I don't know what has happened to you in your past, but it sounds like you're discovering that you've found a home here.  We all respond to trauma differently, and your responses are just as valid as the next person.

So welcome.  Hope you find the support and understanding you're no doubt looking for here. 

[Ghostly Lilian]

Aw thanks to both of you 
HonestHeart I am already starting to feel unwelcome and not fitting actually  Not anyone's fault, it's just chronic. I'm trying o deal with this, I know it probably isn't true. Nothing and no one gave me a reason to think so. 
I just feel like I'm writing a lot, and writing stupid things or maybe hurtful ones and people will get fed up with me  "I'm not smart enough" you know, "I secretly want to hurt people without even knowing it" and so on  But I'll deal with it, I can do it 
PS: that's the cutest thing ever :3   

[deeppoet]

@Ghostly Lilian, 

Hi, I'm Kate, I enjoy fantasy, fiction and writing a ton too. I went to college for human services and psychology.

Recently I haven't been on AS due to a lot of struggles with depression and anxiety but I'm trying to get back to it. I have found a lot of support here. I hope with time, you'll find that comparing ones trauma to others isn't helpful. 

When I've been to support groups and first started on AS I felt much the same way. Felt as if I were exaggerating the things that happened to me. I had a constant fear of offending others. But no matter how our histories compare to others, it still impacted us dramatically and traumatically. We all respond to situation differently and that's ok. This is a safe space to field the path to healing. Please feel free to talk or not talk as much as you want here. We are here for you!

Love and hugs, if ok,

Kate

Edited May 22, 2018 by deeppoet

[Ghostly Lilian]

Hi kate. i wish I could write something a bit more enlightened, but in these last few days I'm overly tired.
Thanks for your words and nice to meet you 
It really isn't helpful constantly comparing myself to others to measure if I'm worthy, I know... I don't know how else to understand it though