Wish I wasn’t here, like the rest of you

[liability]

Hi, all. I’m 23, female, USA. I was molested between ages 7 and 10, then had negative sexual experiences (some would call rape, but not me) in early adulthood due to risk taking.

I’ve been diagnosed with BPD, PTSD, alcohol use disorder and major depressive disorder. But none of that defines me.

I’m mostly a happy person with a lot of love in my life and consider myself a very fortunate person. Therapy and amazing people will do wonders.

Edited May 2, 2018 by liability

[Dahliaa]

Hey @liability. Welcome to AS :) I'm sorry you have to be here due to such horrific circumstances. Still, I hope you find healing on the forum and whatever else you need. We're all here to support you.  I'm glad you know that those labels don't define who you are.

[Capulet]

Hi, @liability....welcome to After Silence.  I have found this place to be incredibly supportive, safe and judgement-free and hope you do, too.  I am sad to hear of the circumstances that have made you sign up but hope being here brings you peace and healing.

Best wishes to you!

Capulet

 

[liability]

4 hours ago, Dahliaa said:

Hey @liability. Welcome to AS :) I'm sorry you have to be here due to such horrific circumstances. Still, I hope you find healing on the forum and whatever else you need. We're all here to support you.  I'm glad you know that those labels don't define who you are.

Thank you, it’s over, but I know I’ll be cleaning up the mess my whole life.

2 hours ago, Capulet said:

Hi, @liability....welcome to After Silence.  I have found this place to be incredibly supportive, safe and judgement-free and hope you do, too.  I am sad to hear of the circumstances that have made you sign up but hope being here brings you peace and healing.

Best wishes to you!

Capulet

 

Thank you, hun <3

[silentg]

Hello @liability, and welcome to AS, although I'm sorry for the trauma that brings you here.

I'm glad that you know those labels don't define you, and that you have some love and support in your life that can make a big difference, although you can never have too much support and we are here to lend an ear also

I am sure it feels like you will be dealing with this your whole life, and in some ways these traumas never fully leave us, but I have great hope that since you are starting your healing so young, you will have lots of happy times ahead.  I didn't start dealing until I was 40, so well done you, it's quite brave to be tackling your 'stuff' and getting support now. 

[Struggling88]

Hi, liability, and welcome! 

[pattyr]

Welcome, sorry you need to be here, but glad you came!

[liability]

On 4/30/2018 at 12:27 PM, silentg said:

Hello @liability, and welcome to AS, although I'm sorry for the trauma that brings you here.

I'm glad that you know those labels don't define you, and that you have some love and support in your life that can make a big difference, although you can never have too much support and we are here to lend an ear also

I am sure it feels like you will be dealing with this your whole life, and in some ways these traumas never fully leave us, but I have great hope that since you are starting your healing so young, you will have lots of happy times ahead.  I didn't start dealing until I was 40, so well done you, it's quite brave to be tackling your 'stuff' and getting support now. 

Thank you. I started DBT therapy last year and I’ve made tremendous strides. The difference a year has made is incredible.

Right now, I mostly struggle with bigger questions...just coming to terms with not being as strong as I’d like or as autonomous. Or just the fact that none of us are.

I’ve definitely faced what happened to me more in the last year than I had since it started over 15 years ago. I’ve done a lot of forgiving and letting go.

But I’ll probably always have PTSD. I’ll always have borderline personality disorder. I’ll always have a drinking problem. The inclinations don’t go away, but I can turn the volume down enough that they don’t rule me and learn not to act on unhealthy emotions

Edited May 2, 2018 by liability

[Painnbroken]

On 4/30/2018 at 4:40 AM, liability said:

Hi, all. I’m 23, female, USA. I was molested between ages 7 and 10, then had negative sexual experiences (some would call rape, but not me) in early adulthood due to risk taking.

I’ve been diagnosed with BPD, PTSD, alcohol use disorder and major depressive disorder. But none of that defines me.

I’m mostly a happy person with a lot of love in my life and consider myself a very fortunate person. Therapy and amazing people will do wonders.

Welcome to AS!  I’m sorry for the trauma you’ve experienced.  Just know you’re not alone here and you have support as well.  Best wishes on your healing journey. 

PB

[ihopetosave]

I have been diagnosed with bpd. I'm glad that the stigma is fading. Not to belittle your story. Your an inspiration, hope to see you posting more soon. I want to go to a therapist, but I don't want to confess that I've stopped taking meds. Not to say anything is wrong with taking to them. So I write a lot. And choose a few people to spill all my beans to, God primarily. Anyway, take care.

[liability]

1 minute ago, ihopetosave said:

I have been diagnosed with bpd. I'm glad that the stigma is fading. Not to belittle your story. Your an inspiration, hope to see you posting more soon. I want to go to a therapist, but I don't want to confess that I've stopped taking meds. Not to say anything is wrong with taking to them. So I write a lot. And choose a few people to spill all my beans to, God primarily. Anyway, take care.

Honestly, I’ve been prescribed medication and I don’t take it. I think it’s a personal choice unless you’re at a rock bottom point.

Once in a while I’ll take Valium to soothe my anxiety. But I prefer a more holistic approach to wellness. Mindfulness can do wonders.

[ihopetosave]

22 minutes ago, liability said:

Honestly, I’ve been prescribed medication and I don’t take it. I think it’s a personal choice unless you’re at a rock bottom point.

Once in a while I’ll take Valium to soothe my anxiety. But I prefer a more holistic approach to wellness. Mindfulness can do wonders.

Yes! I just pray I don't get into mania again. it sent me to the hospital. I try not to drink too much coffee, get plenty of sleep, and pay attention to my thoughts(impulses, listening to voices of any kind is a nono). Instincts are tricky with me because ive been been diagnosed with sad and what seems to be instinct can be... paranoia. I don't know. I just try to be conscious. Thank you for your input. I thought I was the only one that stopped my meds. Haven't told my family. I don't want to scare me Aunt.

[liability]

4 hours ago, ihopetosave said:

Yes! I just pray I don't get into mania again. it sent me to the hospital. I try not to drink too much coffee, get plenty of sleep, and pay attention to my thoughts(impulses, listening to voices of any kind is a nono). Instincts are tricky with me because ive been been diagnosed with sad and what seems to be instinct can be... paranoia. I don't know. I just try to be conscious. Thank you for your input. I thought I was the only one that stopped my meds. Haven't told my family. I don't want to scare me Aunt.

Sometimes you get to a point where meds become necessary. But not everyone gets there. My therapist is if the opinion that the mental health community over medicates.

BPD in my case refers to Borderline Personality Disorder, but bipolar II hasn’t been ruled out and one therapist I saw said it’s highly likely I have it as well.

With BPD, therapy (DBT) is the proven method of treatment. Medication is less effective, thought you can treat anxiety and depression that way.

 

[Rudolf]

I' proud of you for the holistic approach. I hope you find it a comfort as I do reading others posts that your not alone.