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I’m a mess

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I found this website while desperately looking for somewhere to vent. I had just been raped a second time, by someone that I knew. It happened on Good Friday and I had to spend that Easter weekend with my family, smiling like nothing happened. The first time I was raped, I was in high school and I knew him too. I buried that rape for a very long time, and my PTSD was just starting to surface when I was raped the second time. I’m currently a mess. I struggle with self image and eating disorders, on top of my overwhelming PTSD. I never reported either of my rapes for a variety of reasons, and I never sought counseling. I’m afraid of other people’s judgements. When I came forward to “friends” after my first rape, I was met with plenty judgement. Why didn’t I fight him? Why did I think I had the right to withdraw my consent? I should have known better, and most importantly I didn’t need to tell anyone else that the football star was a rapist. I’m trying to heal, but it’s hard. Sometimes I can’t even get out of bed. My mom doesn’t know, so she just tells me and everyone else she knows that I’m lazy. I need support. Please someone help me. 

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Hi taylor,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry about your recent trauma and the one that happened in high school, as well. It is never ok for someone to hurt you that way. I'm sorry support hasn't happened, but unfortunately when people haven't gone thru it, they really don't understand. I, and many others did not fight...we did not flee. The third "f" reaction is often not understood or acknowledge, but exist for many of us. Freezing is a reaction, but it doesn't make what happen any less wrong. Coming forward and telling anyone is difficult, yet we are not the one who has done wrong. You will find we understand this here at AS. You will receive tons of support and you will be believed and NOT be judged. I wish you the best as you walk this path of healing.



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@taylorml123. I am very sorry these people attacked you and that you have not found support, and that your friends weren't there for you when you really needed them.  I'm sorry your trauma is now compounded with a second R. I'm glad you came here to find people who really will understand what you are going through. It is a powerful thing to not be alone with this kind of experience and the difficulties and feelings we face. 

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Hi @taylorml123. Welcome to AS . I joined here after my second r*pe in Febuary too. I haven’t reported either and this site has been great for venting and support when you feel alone, ecspecially if you’re not ready to talk to the people around you. It’s terrifying opening up but everyone here is great and do not pass any judgement. It has helped me a lot. I hope you find it just as helpful. I understand the fear of reporting. My first r* was also by a star athlete and it can feel like you’re taking on a hole community rather than one person. Here for support if you need it. You’re not alone. Safe hugs if ok? 

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I'm very, very sorry for your suffering.  Many of us here have the same story....you are not alone.  For years I blamed myself for my assault because I froze.  I knew what was happening, my intuition told me it was wrong, but I turned to stone.  Therefore, I decided it was my fault.

I think you'll find many supportive friends here who share the same story. 

Edited by goldraindrops
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Welcome to AS! I’m so sorry for the recent trauma you’ve endured.  You’ve found a safe place here.  Please know you’re not alone here.  Take your time and look around and say as much or as little as you like.  Best wishes on your healing journey. 


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Hi @taylorml123 welcome! I'm so sorry about what you went through. You deserved better responses from your friends in high school. You were not to blame then or the last time. I understand how hard it is to talk about it. It's also incredibly difficult to keep it inside. I'm glad you did this for you: joining a support site for survivors. Like others said, you'll find no judging here. :supportu:

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