Newcomer here

[LauraC.S.A.survivor]

I am laura and I am a c.s.a survivor . i was repeatedly S.A. by my stepfather from the age of 12 to 17 .I'm in a dark place . with self harm and thoughts of death last few months. I'm tired of dealing with ptsd, anxiety , depression and  bpd. I'm mentally and physically exhausted . I'm going to be 39 soon and I'm not quite sure I will see that birthday at this point . I'm just so tired. I got a new tattoo to prevent me from self harming . it has been a rough road.

Edited April 17, 2018 by LauraC.S.A.survivor
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[patriciag]

Hi Laura welcome to AS.  I am sorry for what you have gone through. I am also a survivor of CSA by my father. I can hear your pain in your writing and understand how you are feeling as I have fought the same battle and still do at times.I can tell you that you are not alone and many of us understand what you are going through.

I love your tattoo. I got my first one when I was in my 50's. It's about my abuse too. 

Patricia

[MeBeMary]

Hi Laura,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for the abuse you endured, but be assured that you have found a very supportive site. Our members are very understanding and kind. I must admit that I was on a similar path just over three years ago. Finding AS was a turning point for me, as I hope it will be for you. It takes courage to reach out and hopefully one of many that you will take with us. I wish you the best on this healing journey.

Mary

BTW...love your tattoo.  

[Struggling88]

Hi, Laura, and welcome! 

[silentg]

Hello Laura,

welcome to AS. I'm sorry that you endured so many years of abuse by your stepfather. The feelings you struggle with are understandable and many here can relate. I hope that you find the supportive community here helpful,  and know that you are not alone.  your tattoo looks great!

[LauraC.S.A.survivor]

thank you all for your warm welcome. I have been isolating myself for last few months . I have so many missed work days and I only work part time. I just dont want to leave my house anymore.

[Capulet]

Hi Laura!  Your tattoo is gorgeous, I love the teal colors!  

So...I want to welcome you to AfterSilence, I hope that being here brings you some peace and comfort.  This is a great place filled with supportive folks in the same boat, we're all in different points in our healing journey, but most of us can relate in many ways.  

Take good care,
Capulet

 

[BraveOne]

On 4/16/2018 at 9:07 PM, LauraC.S.A.survivor said:

I am laura and I am a c.s.a survivor . i was repeatedly S.A. by my stepfather from the age of 12 to 17 .I'm in a dark place . with self harm and thoughts of death last few months. I'm tired of dealing with ptsd, anxiety , depression and  bpd. I'm mentally and physically exhausted . I'm going to be 39 soon and I'm not quite sure I will see that birthday at this point . I'm just so tired. I got a new tattoo to prevent me from self harming . it has been a rough road.

Hi Laura. Welcome to AS. Thats an awesome tattoo, very brave of you to get it. I am very sorry about the years of abuse and the time youve spent trying to heal I know that's hard. Your not alone here, I also struggle with ptsd depression anxiety and bpd many people here struggle with those and other mental illnesses and everyone can relate on some level. Your right the road of a survivor is a very rough road. Sorry about your struggle with si (self injury) and the thoughts about death (I can relate to this one a lot lately) those are very hard to deal with much less get support from people irl that truely understand. Your free here to take your time and share on your terms. 

One

[LooksLikeRain]

On 4/16/2018 at 10:07 PM, LauraC.S.A.survivor said:

I am laura and I am a c.s.a survivor . i was repeatedly S.A. by my stepfather from the age of 12 to 17 .I'm in a dark place . with self harm and thoughts of death last few months. I'm tired of dealing with ptsd, anxiety , depression and  bpd. I'm mentally and physically exhausted . I'm going to be 39 soon and I'm not quite sure I will see that birthday at this point . I'm just so tired. I got a new tattoo to prevent me from self harming . it has been a rough road.

That tattoo is GORGEOUS

[LauraC.S.A.survivor]

3 hours ago, LooksLikeRain said:

That tattoo is GORGEOUS

thank you

[LauraC.S.A.survivor]

thank you so much

[Free2Fly]

On 17/04/2018 at 3:07 AM, LauraC.S.A.survivor said:

I am laura and I am a c.s.a survivor . i was repeatedly S.A. by my stepfather from the age of 12 to 17 .I'm in a dark place . with self harm and thoughts of death last few months. I'm tired of dealing with ptsd, anxiety , depression and  bpd. I'm mentally and physically exhausted . I'm going to be 39 soon and I'm not quite sure I will see that birthday at this point . I'm just so tired. I got a new tattoo to prevent me from self harming . it has been a rough road.

Hi  ,

lovely tattoo , sorry your struggle honestly your not alone kinda going through similar right now actually... I try to keep everything to myself and put on the "happy face" but all the hurts behind it.

safe hugs  if ok?

welcome to as.

[LauraC.S.A.survivor]

thank you so much for all the support. I finally had the courage to confront my stepfather. I wrote a letter to him and had a friend deliver it to him that he doesn' know. it took me ten years to write this.

[Free2Fly]

13 minutes ago, LauraC.S.A.survivor said:

thank you so much for all the support. I finally had the courage to confront my stepfather. I wrote a letter to him and had a friend deliver it to him that he doesn' know. it took me ten years to write this.

Your welcome safe hugs  if ok?

thats a safe way to do it  .

[LauraC.S.A.survivor]

1 minute ago, Free2Fly said:

Your welcome safe hugs  if ok?

thats a safe way to do it  .

safe hugs hun. I'm going sleep .always ok for hugs. need a nap my head pounding.

[Painnbroken]

Hello @LauraC.S.A.survivor

Welcome to AS! I am truly sorry for the trauma you've endured.  Please know you're not alone in this.  I can relate to a lot that you've said, I know how difficult it is to move forward and to not feel those feelings. Just hang in there and do your best to keep moving forward I do know how hard that is.  Best wishes to you on your healing journey. 

PB