Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Hey all, Indy Rex here.

I just joined the site and am not really sure where to begin.

I've been struggling with PTSD for about a year now.  And honestly maybe struggling the most with accepting the fact that I am a survivor.  That it's a huge part of who I am, and has been controlling my behavior and emotions for so long. 

But I don't want it to. 

I want to be in control. 

I want to have a safe space where I can be open about what I've been through and feel accepted.  Which is what I hope to find here -- others who feel what I feel.  Others who understand me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi @Indyrex welcome to After Silence! 

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling a lot. PTSD can be very difficult to deal with. This forum has been my safe space to share, receive support and give support for many years. It's not judgmental and people here are kind and caring. It's a nice community where you don't have to constantly explain yourself. :aswelcomesu: :notalone::supportu:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)

Thank you for your kind words @fallenstar

I appreciate you :)

Edited by Indyrex

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Indy welcome to AS. I am glad you found this site. You will find this to be a safe place. Many of us feel we have lost control but it's possible to have it back.

:notalone:

Patricia

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Indyrex,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for the trauma you have experienced, but you have found a very supportive site. Take your time and look around. It's a big step to reach out and I wish you the best as you make more steps down this journey of healing.

Mary

:supportu: 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello @Indyrex

Welcome to AS! I’m sorry for the trauma you’ve experienced. Just know you’ve found a very safe place here.  Take your time look around the forums and say as much or as little as you like.  Just know you’re not alone here.  Best wishes on your healing journey. 

PB

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)

Welcome to AS @Indyrex, the AS community is non judgemental, supportive and understanding. I hope you can feel safe here and post/reach out when you feel comfortable and ready. Wishing you all the best on your healing journey. 

Edited by Kmkz

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you all  :wub: It's kind of overwhelming (in a good way) finally finding a place where people can relate to what I'm going through.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Indyrex, and welcome to AS!  I hope being here brings you peace and comfort!  I hope you'll find this is a very supportive place to be; many of us are in the same boat and the outpouring of support can be exactly what someone needs in order to proceed on their healing journey.  

Take good care,
Capulet

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi IndyRex!

Welcome to AS. Sorry for what you have been through that brought you here. Your not alone. Sending support and Streangth your way.

One

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you @Capulet & @Oneinamillion

I'm starting to feel it more and more in myself, but I think other survivors are some of the strongest and powerful humans I know :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/15/2018 at 2:09 AM, Indyrex said:

Hey all, Indy Rex here.

I just joined the site and am not really sure where to begin.

I've been struggling with PTSD for about a year now.  And honestly maybe struggling the most with accepting the fact that I am a survivor.  That it's a huge part of who I am, and has been controlling my behavior and emotions for so long. 

But I don't want it to. 

I want to be in control. 

I want to have a safe space where I can be open about what I've been through and feel accepted.  Which is what I hope to find here -- others who feel what I feel.  Others who understand me.

u'r right it controls our emotions and behavior.

and one of the first steps to taking back control is to want to.

I looked at it that the abuser may he rot forever has no right to destroy my life (which he very successfully did).

I am in a much better place now 2 yrs after the beginning of my therapy but this is a theme that comes up often. 

I get upset when my T points out something that i'm being controlled. IT'S NOT ME AND I HATE IT.

one very positive thing is to identify as a survivor as opposed to a victim. They are both true but as trying to heal ID' ing as a survivor really can help.

I'm so sorry for what you went through. the pain u must have went through must 've been terrible.

Indy Rex, you didn't deserve such pain and i think you can heal and have a better life. Safe hug if ok

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Indy Rex, some of the hardest parts with it all come months and even years later at times. Which make it such a challenge when trying to get back the control violently ripped away. Please just know that you are not alone in general at least with these emotions and thoughts. They tend to come up at the most inopportune and unexpected times. 

This is what makes getting it out so important. Even though timing with that can be a key. Not to mention how hard it is bound to be. What is ultimately best may not be easiest at first.

There can be added strength through greater unity. Even though we all have our own individual journey to take. Sadly enough, we cannot always control what happens to us. Though, we can determine how we'll react. All of this is bound to be a part of our life forever. We just have to try not letting it define us.

:luck:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
15 hours ago, elisand said:

u'r right it controls our emotions and behavior.

and one of the first steps to taking back control is to want to.

I looked at it that the abuser may he rot forever has no right to destroy my life (which he very successfully did).

I am in a much better place now 2 yrs after the beginning of my therapy but this is a theme that comes up often. 

I get upset when my T points out something that i'm being controlled. IT'S NOT ME AND I HATE IT.

one very positive thing is to identify as a survivor as opposed to a victim. They are both true but as trying to heal ID' ing as a survivor really can help.

I'm so sorry for what you went through. the pain u must have went through must 've been terrible.

Indy Rex, you didn't deserve such pain and i think you can heal and have a better life. Safe hug if ok

 

@elisand That is a great way of thinking about it - I am a survivor, not a victim. I get into ruts of feeling helpless, so helpless that I can't even call for help while just crying. I will remember to look at myself in the mirror for one of my talks and tell this to me. And it's my yoga mantra: I am safe, I am strong, I am in control.

Hugs to you. You are so supportive, thank you 💛 Sending healing to you too

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, Ian37 said:

Indy Rex, some of the hardest parts with it all come months and even years later at times. Which make it such a challenge when trying to get back the control violently ripped away. Please just know that you are not alone in general at least with these emotions and thoughts. They tend to come up at the most inopportune and unexpected times. 

This is what makes getting it out so important. Even though timing with that can be a key. Not to mention how hard it is bound to be. What is ultimately best may not be easiest at first.

There can be added strength through greater unity. Even though we all have our own individual journey to take. Sadly enough, we cannot always control what happens to us. Though, we can determine how we'll react. All of this is bound to be a part of our life forever. We just have to try not letting it define us.

:luck:

@Ian37 Yes that's the tricky part. I feel like right now where I am in life, it does define me. I can't control the emotions very well and have had to leave work because I panic and can't stop crying. Like for hours I can't stop. It feels like a damn being broken up with all this pent-up pain I never dealt with (I didn't remember for 6 years) so I'm trying to let it out without the pain consuming me.

Thank you for the reminder about unity. None of us are alone in this and as we step through our own journeys we can help each other along the way too 💛

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Indy Rex, the tricky part is almost like this constant cycle of chaos all around us. Circles always coming all the way back around. Meaning that we really are challenged moving along any sort of definitive line and therefore feel this deficit trying to push forward. 

All of this can seem so overwhelming at times. I am so sorry you have had to leave work like that. Please know that the tears you currently cry need not be negative ones. Maybe certain sadness can be like some forms of stress which push us to do just that little bit more. It really can all be such a Catch-22 though at times. Wanting to get all of this out without having it then intruding on everyday life.

That then making us tend to feel even less sense of control. The not knowing can be harder than realizing that negative at times. Though maybe not all of this even makes sense at the moment. Nor does it perhaps always need to.

:luck:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 hours ago, Indyrex said:

I can't control the emotions very well and have had to leave work because I panic and can't stop crying. Like for hours I can't stop. It feels like a damn being broken up with all this pent-up pain I never dealt with (I didn't remember for 6 years) so I'm trying to let it out without the pain consuming me.

It sounds so hard. I agree with what ian said. The pain is very complex. It's not in any way similar to what regular people go through all the time. It can totally alter a person's reality. Are you looking for therapy?

With you all the way.

Safe hug, you deserve :hug:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It is very chaotic @Ian37. Have you or @elisand watched Westworld? I relate so much to that because it's like I found my consciousness, but I've been driven to madness at the same time. I'll have these intense moments of clarity, sometimes I'll get lost in memories trying to piece the two halves of my life together, form an identity again. It's hard. But it's getting easier.

And I have decided to go back to therapy and have put off calling 2 days now 🙊I had a great counselor when I had my revelation and remembered my trauma in the first place. I had a different counselor to help when the panic attacks started but she was so unempathetic and unsupportive I had to leave. So here I am, building up the courage to try again.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Indy Rex, I have never seen that to be honest. I'd be interested to hear more about it if you don't mind. Though it is definitely the uncertainty of everything which makes finding any sense of comfort such a challenge as well. Even if it may be somewhat there. Not the same unless it is actually felt. I have always wondered if not remembering is somewhat better when it comes to specific details. Though the big thing I suppose is knowing that the actual abuse did happen. Not to mention accepting it as well. Just seems like every single step forward is followed by two more leaps back. All of those components to this and involving different dilemmas to unravel. Each possible answer followed with multiple questions.

That is absolutely awesome that you have decided to go back! This takes quite a bit of courage after not always having had the best experiences in the past. One of the biggest lessons I have learned along the way though is that all in life really is specific. Just because one thing does not work out doesn't mean the next similarity down the line is bound to fail also. Trial and error truly is the way to go. 

:luck:

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×